In a weekend forum held at Orange County's Saddleback Church meant to showcase the two presidential hopefuls' religious convictions, presumptive Republican presidential nominee, John McCain, offered a gesture that is certain to burnish his dubious conservative credentials with evangelical Christians.
When questioned by influential author and spiritual guide, Pastor Rick Warren, about when a human life begins, McCain asserted that, "Without at doubt, life begins at the earliest of possible human reproductive stages - earlier than most so-called scientists would have you believe." When further pressed by Warren to expound upon his position, McCain gave a long pause, then said, "Life begins when a young man - or, perhaps an older gentleman - achieves an erection, a boner if you will."
McCain's words were followed sequentially by collective gasps, sounds of human retching, and then, moments later, thunderous applause.
"Come tomorrow, people will say I'm just saying this to appeal to you all in the evangelical base of the party," bellowed McCain, in a rare moment of rhetorical triumph. "But for years, boners haven't been taken seriously enough by the liberal left-wing elite of the scientific community. What they don't want you to know is that there's babies in there - little, tiny ones. Otherwise, why would boners look and feel like they do?"
McCain's rival, Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama, immediately responded, claiming that, "That is the most ignorant, uninformed statement I have ever had the misfortune of hearing in my entire adult life. Babies living inside an erection? Sorry, John, but wrong."
But McCain was undeterred. "Did you hear that, folks? Hussein Obama hates babies. And he doesn't support the troops! You heard it here first!"
Before leaving the stage, McCain left the congregation with a final thought. "It's high time that we put erections at the forefront of this human life debate," he concluded. "It's what the Straight Talk Express is all about."
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