U.S. President George W. Bush delivered a prime-time speech Tuesday night to help assuage concerns regarding a possible full-scale financial collapse, to garner public support for an impending $700-billion bailout package, and to underscore the possibility of a military strike in response to the national emergency.
Said a somber but resolute Bush, "As with any crisis, there's always fear that things will, you know, get testy with the public. But I have faith in the American people, that they won't let their frustrations manufacture themselves in violent ways."
He continued. "But clearly somebody needs to be taken to task for this disaster. And we plan on holding those evil-doers accountable. Therefore, at some point, we expect to launch a full-scale military invasion." When questioned as to whom or what would be targeted, Bush said, "That's something me and (U.S. Defense Secretary) Gatesy have to talk about. But I don't think it's a secret that the Amish are right at the top of the list, as they haven't contributed to the U.S. economy for decades. At some point, they need to be held accountable. And if need be, we'll bomb 'em right back into the last century. "
Added U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, "When we encouraged the public to go shopping after 9/11, most patriotic Americans went out and snapped up Escalades and Excursions at a record pace while the Amish slunk into their workshops, repaired the rickety wheels on their horse-drawn carriages for the millionth time, and fashioned antibiotics and shelving units out of their summer beet crops. These people are just too resourceful for their own good. It's un-American, and it needs to stop."
Obadiah Wilbertsunn, an Amish father of eleven boys and one "dirty little strumpet who we caught just yesterday with one of those infernal back massagers," was asked by reporters as to whether or not his community would be prepared for a preemptive strike by the compromised yet still potent U.S. military. Said Wilbertsunn, as he headed outdoors to tend his farm, "Nope."
Still, there are signs that the president's bellicose doctrine has become somewhat blunted in recent months.
Dr. Howard Stark, a resident scholar at the Brookings Institution, a non-partisan think tank, and an expert on financial markets under duress, stressed the significance of Bush's restraint, notwithstanding his displeasure with the Amish. "It's actually pretty amazing," said Stark. "Here we are, a country on the verge of a cataclysmic disaster, and not one air strike has been ordered, not one carpet bombing decreed, and not one strand of electrical wires clamped onto a pair of a manacled prisoner's testicles. Clearly, Bush is playing it safe."
Thomas Dixon, a national defense expert and author of the bestselling children's pop-up book entitled Bunker Buster Buddy and Extraordinary Rendition Ronnie Skip to School! concurred. "There are quite a few people out there who applaud the president's restraint thus far."
Dixon continued. "But as Americans, we have always needed some dramatically gruesome act - be it the bombing of Pearl Harbor, the attacks of 9/11, or the cinematic release of "Smokin' Aces" - to unify us against a common enemy. And if I were in the president's cabinet, I'd have to strongly advise him to forget the Amish for now and nuke at least one U.S. city, just to remind everyone what this country's capable of. Maybe Bakersfield. Or, better yet, Fresno." He added, referring to the beleaguered mid-sized city located in Northern California, "It's been hit extremely hard by the recession; but even before that, things were fairly grim."
When asked, Dixon described Fresno as "Detroit minus all of the charm," though he did mention the city's first annual Great Meth Cook Off this past May as proof of a burgeoning civic pride.
Stark agreed with Dixon's overall assessment. "Fresno should be targeted, no question, though I doubt a nuclear warhead would be necessary. Just air drop a reheated to-go order of stuffed jalapeno poppers onto the freeway during rush hour and watch the magic unfold."
As the day drew to an uneventful close, some of Bush's most ardent supporters had already begun to question the president's resolve in confronting the slow-moving cataclysm of the financial crisis.
Drew Scobie, a top-ranked professional jet skier from St. Petersburg Florida, was vehement in his disapproval. "I'm a big fan of our president: I've voted for him all three times. But talk is cheap. I wanna' know what's takin' him so damn long to blow somethin' up. I keep clickin' refresh on Foxnews.com, but still no bombings."
Added Scobie, "As an American citizen, I expect action when things aren't goin' good. Bomb somethin', torture somethin' - I don't give a shit what or who, just do somethin'." Scobie, growing more cantankerous by the moment, continued. "Dubya's lost his guts, his edge, and his pride just because he's facing a little adversity. It's sad and it's pathetic - and worst of all, it's pussy. Did I lose my edge and my pride when I had my nipples lanced off by a vert ramp last summer? Hells no! I cauterized the wounds with Crazy Glue, stuffed my nips into a Ragu jar packed with ice, and won one for the motherfuckin' Gipper!"
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