The 2008 NFL season opened this past weekend to sold-out stadium crowds and record television ratings, proving that the litany of recent rule changes championed by commissioner Roger Goodell have already begun to broaden the league's fan base.
Although the NFL rulebook has undergone minor modifications over time, this year's changes are a stark departure from the league's usual conservative approach to addressing such issues.
Speaking from the NFL league's headquarters in Midtown Manhattan, Goodell revealed his impetus for revamping the venerable NFL rulebook. "Overall, the NFL's popularity has never been higher. We found, through exhaustive research, that 73 percent of all adult males are watching NFL football on a given fall or winter Sunday. That's a staggering statistic."
Goodell continued. "Yet we've done nothing to attract that other 27 percent. So this past spring, I sat down and asked the big question: What are they watching? And, as it turns out, they're not watching TV at all." When questioned as to the Sunday afternoon activity in which the NFL's elusive demographic participates, Goodell responded succinctly: "Small-game hunting."
"Dispatching of small, fluffy animals," said Goodell. "You know, mostly squirrels, rabbits, woodchucks, and the odd chipmunk. So obviously, these are men for whom a simple game will not suffice. They live for the action and life-and-death thrill of the hunt and, for years, we've neglected to appeal to that sensibility. And let's face it: we were getting soft."
Of all the changes expected to be instituted in the league this season, the most dramatic will be the reconstitution of the playing field.
Said NFL referee Jeff Triplette, "The actual size of the field will remain unchanged(100 yards long, 50 yards wide). However, the team emblem, usually imprinted at midfield at all NFL stadiums, will be replaced by a gaping fire pit that descends into the earth's infernal core. If a player falls in, at any point during play, he will be considered "down."
It didn't take long for the Cincinatti Bengals to become familiar with the perils of the fire pit as they lost two key offensive players on opening day - wide receiver Chad Johnson and all-pro quarterback Carson Palmer.
As head coach Marvin Lewis crumbled to his knees, sobbing over his fallen players, running back Kenny Watson remained pragmatic. "Shit, they were both over-hyped, overpaid prima donnas anyhow. I mean, seriously, anyone who's ever known Chad could only hope in their wildest dreams that he'd one day get swallowed up in a firey inferno."
Another new feature to all league playing fields will be the addition of poison-dipped metal spikes, which will now line the previously benign sidelines. Said Buffalo Bills linebacker Kawika Mitchell, "Fucking awesome rule. I've been waiting and waiting for them to do something like this." Mitchell, unknowingly juggling his pectoral muscles while uttering each syllable, added, "Now, those sweet-ass wide receivers have two choices: take me on, or run out of bounds like a little bitch and get impaled on a poison spike. I suspect a lot of 'em will choose the spikes."
But, of all the new rules and features employed thus far, the release of underfed apex predators during the fourth quarter of every game has garnered the most attention. Speaking from his hospital bed following a 26-24 upset over the San Diego Chargers, in which he lost both arms and part of his pancreas to a tiger mauling and a komodo dragon ambush, Carolina Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme said, "Sure, the phantom limb stuff will be a tough go, at least for a while. But bottom line is we need W's right now."
While head coaches already have the option of throwing red flags to request instant replays of questionable calls, they now have the additional option of throwing a black flag to request the beheading of an opposing player (there were 18 such instances on Sunday) or a rainbow-colored flag for when they are prepared to publicly come out of the closet.
Despite the initial boon to NFL coffers, the new rules have tested the full gamut of league personnel, from players and coaches to on-field officials. Said veteran NFL referee Ron Winter, "For us, these past few months have basically been like having final exams every single day, with all the heavy implementation (of the new rules). It's going to need some ironing out for sure - like, for example, we're still waiting for the league to inform us about what happens to a player who gets mauled by a Kodiak Bear in the middle of a play. Does that team now have to play shorthanded? Do we contact the player's loved ones? Who has to get the squeegee? And what if the bear eats the ball? Like I said, there's some loose ends; but we'll work it out."
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