Former presidential candidate, Fred Thompson, delivered a heartfelt four-and-a-half-hour panegyric, dedicated to his good friend and Republican presidential candidate, John McCain, Tuesday evening, at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minnesota.
During his sweeping address at the Xcel Energy Center, the inebriated former senator from Tennessee left no stone unturned, referencing one of the Arizona senator's former lovers, wolf-whistling at McCain's wife, Cindy, referring to McCain's Democratic adversary, Barack Obama as "she," and comparing former president Ronald Reagan to Jesus Christ no fewer than twenty-seven times.
Fueled by black tar heroin, uncut cocaine, and four full glasses of cabernet, Thompson laced his speech with profanities and myriad references to human genitalia, including usage of the term "filthy sanchez" twenty-seven times.
"Yeah, I'm fucked up! So what?" yelled Thompson in defiance, pounding out each syllable on the lecturn for added emphasis. "But that don't change a wit in terms of how I feel about Mr. Senator John McCain, my close friend and the future president of the world!"
The crowd of over 10,000 party loyalists roared with approval.
"In my mind," mused Thompson, "I equate John McCain with another individual of pure ideals and an unwavering moral compass. An individual who once led his people through a spiritual awakening in the darkest of times. An individual who, even after his death, continually looks down upon us through a warm halo of goodness. That individual? Ronald Reagan."
Standing firm in front of the sparse yet dramatic backdrop of a giant rippling American flag projected on a looming movie screen, the former Tennessee senator refused to cede the stage to the next scheduled speaker, Independent senator - and former Democratic vice-presidential candidate - Joseph Lieberman.
"Yeah, yeah: We all know it's your turn, Joe," growled a swaying Thompson, his face ruddy with spirits. "But the fact of the matter is, this crowd would rather me ramble incoherently for another two hours than have your sorry turncoat ass up here for two minutes. You are a sad, small little man. But good luck with your whoring!"
Minutes later, Thompson added, "But seriously, Good Americans: You all should let the government take away your guns and burn down all your churches - and abort all your unborn babies before you let traitor Joe, the devil's scrotum, take this stage tonight. Just something to consider. Good night and God Bless the U.S.A."
As a resilient Lieberman took the stage moments later to a chorus of jeers, Thompson punctuated his final words by yanking down his suit pants and sobbing uncontrollably.
If Fred Thompson needs a new agent, you're his guy. Hysterical!!!!!!!! Thanks.
Posted by: Barbara Halpern | September 06, 2008 at 01:12 PM