Creaky Wheel: Palin Weighs in on Obama, McCain, "Iranistan"

Republican vice-presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, dedicated much of her 40-minute speech Wednesday night to railing against Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama's current social and economic platforms - along with his alleged paucity of political accomplishments - on the penultimate night of the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minnesota.

But she also allotted time for a glimpse into her family life; offered effusive praise of her running mate, Arizona senator John McCain; and gave the nation a possible preview of her stance on the current wars in both Iraq and Afghanistan.

Said Palin, "It will be comforting to know that, when John McCain is president, we'll have a leader in the White House with real policy experience, with real first-hand knowledge of how to fight a war, and with real insight on how we'll go about the process of finding and killing Bin Laden - even if we have to traverse the entire country of Africa to do so."

Palin, in displaying the breadth and depth of her foreign policy knowledge, quickly silenced media critics, who had trumpeted it as her political soft spot as recently as Tuesday.

"And let's not forget about Iranistan," added the cocksure Alaska governor. "We still have a war to win there. With Senator McCain's knowledge of foreign affairs, and with the help of our brave Canadian allies, we will surely prove victorious."

Palin, a native of Wasilla, Alaska, also extolled the virtues of small town denizens, and vowed to remain a fierce advocate of their plight.

"When Big City Mr. U.S. Senator Washington Beltway Ivy-League Smarty Pants was having cocktail fundraisers in Hollywood, I was fighting for the little people of small town America, like Dayna Mizerak, a mother of six who watched in vain as the price of Pall Mall menthols skyrocketed to five dollars a pack. Like
Damian Biggs, a convenience store clerk who had to resort to selling drugs to minors to help pay for the new "fuck" tattoo on his neck. And people like Stewart Thomas, a drifter from Anchorage, who's doing everything he can not to crumble beneath the mounting fines for violating his ex-common law wife's double restraining order."

A social conservative, Palin clearly asserted her stance on abortion, as well. "It's immoral and wrong. And the only reason why the Democrats haven't had a problem with it all these years is because, as we all very well know, they love to murder babies."

Then, after a long, thunderous applause by the exuberant convention crowd, Palin said, "Don't get me wrong, had either of us believed in abortion, two of our children probably wouldn't be with us in this this evening. Bristol, Piper? Stand up for Mommy." Then, after gesturing to her two daughters standing in the crowd, Palin added, "We love you, sweeties!"

Following another jubilant applause, Palin added, "Todd and I sat both of them down at very young ages - I believe they were three - and told them they were Daddy's little mistakes and would have both been aborted if not for our political opposition to it. Children really appreciate the honesty."

Many of the party loyalists in attendance at the Xcel Energy Center held aloft makeshift pro-Palin signs that conveyed messages like "Hockey Moms 4 Palin," and "We Love You, Sarah."

Mary Tucker, a Republican delegate from Jackson Hole, Wyoming, waxed rhapsodic about the first ever female Republican vice-presidential candidate. "Sarah Palin's not just a courageous role-model for all women. She's also a reform-minded change-maker. She's a Washington outsider who's an agent of change, who will change the climate of politics-as-usual in Washington." When pressed to elaborate on the specific policies Palin has employed as governor to deserve such distinction, Tucker replied, "Tear her down all you like, but her children are beautiful!"

Palin also used her first nationally televised political address to introduce her own personal narrative to millions of Americans. "You've already met Bristol and Piper. But all five of our children are simply amazing. As for my husband, he and I have been together since high school, and we're just as passionate about each other today as when we skipped our SATs so he could rush me to the delivery room."

Palin then added, "This may not be the most appropriate place to admit this, but when we make love, the knowledge that he's my half-brother just completely fades away. Perhaps it was all his days spent out at sea on a fishing boat, but he somehow knows exactly how to touch a woman like me."

Then, in dedicating the conclusion of her speech to her husband, Palin recited a quote from Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton's 1983 mega-hit "Islands in the Stream." Said Palin, "We rely on each other - Ah-hah. From one lover to another - Ah-hah."