Results of the latest Gallup/USA Today presidential poll were released to the media Thursday, revealing a stark contrast between the two presidential hopefuls’ respective voting demographics, and giving Republican candidate John McCain’s flagging campaign a possible last-minute jolt.
The poll, given over a five-day span, beside the Cumberland Corners mini-mall in Pomona California, surveyed a broad spectrum of registered voters on their overall attitudes toward the two major candidates. The venue, chosen for its diverse cross-section of customers, comprises an eclectic assortment of businesses - including Tino’s Bail Bonds, Nika’s Nails and Rub, !Video Store Now, and You Get Me Donuts.
The poll’s lopsided results sent shock waves through both presidential campaigns.
“If this data’s accurate, then it’s distressing news for us,” said Obama campaign pollster Cornell Belcher. “We still feel like we have strong momentum going forward, but lets face it: the batshit insane demographic is critical and is something Senator Obama’s been working hard for.” Belcher later added, “Swing voters are so 2004. Everyone in politics right now knows that the crazy-asses are the tipping point for this election.”
38 percent of the poll’s respondents who consider themselves McCain supporters are currently suffering from schizophrenia, amnesia, traumatic brain injury or paranoid delusions. Perhaps even more startling, an additional 24 percent of the Arizona Senator’s overall pool of supporters were composed of individuals who were huffing paint or glue fumes while filling out their questionnaire.
Said Peter Floyd, an occasional patron of Tino’s Bail Bonds, “I refuse to finish filling this thing out until you feed my fuckin’ unicorn. Feed her! Feed her fire and wisdom!”
The poll also revealed that 17 percent of McCain’s supporters believe the earth was birthed by a giant androgynous hydra in Star Year 14497345677. Additionally, out of the 12 respondents who claimed to communicate telepathically with actor C. Thomas Howell, all but one strongly supported McCain.
“Know what I like best about C. Thomas?” asked LaVizeena Charles, a local resident who rents what she referred to as “Wildlife Erotica” from !Video Store Now. “He always seems to know when I wanna’ talk. I just close my eyes real tight and recite the title of his greatest film 20 times - and there he is, right inside my head. Red Dawn. Red Dawn. Red Dawn…”
Not surprisingly, the poll’s data shows the Arizona Senator garnering much of his support from respondents who describe themselves as “very religious or belonging to a religious organization.” 64 percent of McCain’s supporters said they “attend church, chapel, or blood-drenched sacrificial rites on a frequent basis.” Moreover, 18 percent of the Republican candidate’s backers consider themselves Allosaurian, a religious sect that subscribes to the belief that Jesus Christ was not crucified by Roman soldiers but was instead devoured by a pack of ravenous Allosaurs – large carnivorous dinosaurs that roamed the earth approximately 10 million years ago.
“Okay, that 10 million years ago figure flat-out ain’t true - sorry to break it to ya,” complained Dirk Redmond, co-owner of Bumper Boat Fiesta in neighboring Rancho Cucamonga, and member of the Southern California Allosaurian sect since 2002. “There’s hard scientific proof that dinosaurs lived during Christ’s lifetime. It’s called The Internet. Use it.”
Added Redmond, “Look, I don’t mean to get all ornery, but by now these things are pretty much common knowledge.” According to Redmond, other truths firmly held by the Allosaurians are that praying makes one’s farts smell like peaches, “Pooty Tang” won the 2001 Oscar for Best Film in an alternate universe, and sacrificing organs at The Altar of Kirk Cameron leads to purity of one’s soul.
If I didn’t truly believe in this thing,” said Redmond, “I wouldn’t have sacrificed both my salivary glands. I mean, do you have any idea what it’s like to never again be able to lick a stamp or eat solid food or spit directly into another person’s mouth? No, you fuckin’ do not.”
Said Belcher, “Right now it’s not clear if or how these individuals will mobilize. But if most of them can somehow find their way to the polling stations on November 6th, we could be in a world of trouble.”
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