Washington's Smithsonian Institute was awash Saturday with members of the U.S. Congress, as they spent the day auctioning off some of their services and personal belongings to help defray the cost of a financial bailout plan that is expected to exceed $700 billion.
White House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi (D-California), a vocal advocate of the bailout package, spearheaded the bipartisan auction. Standing beside a steamer trunk full of her donated items, a beaming Pelosi said, "This entire process has been a daunting task, but we owe the American people something tangible in return for their faith in us. And so, because of that, I will be auctioning off the entirety of my Franklin Mint Raggedy Ann and Andy Dinnerware Collection. Furthermore, because I represent the glimmering, shimmering city of San Francisco, I will also be auctioning off this mint condition 1982 Donruss Atlee Hammaker rookie card."
Connecticut Senator Joseph I. Lieberman, another strong proponent of the rescue package, said he also felt an obligation to give back to the American public. "So, for the starting bid of $200, I'll be offering up two passes for dinner and intense scolding at The Kosher Spike, Connecticut's first and only Orthodox Jewish S & M club."
Some Congressional members opted out of the auction and instead donated their goods directly to the needy.
Said Texas Republican Senator John Cornyn, "You know, I've always had something of a soft spot in my heart for the underpriviliged youth of inner-city public schools. In fact, when it came time to send our first daughter to school, we made sure that we had the chauffeur drive her past Martin Luther King Jr. Elementary at least once a week, just to ensure that she never lost perspective. And so today I will be donating my daughter's slightly distressed Apple II Plus computer, complete with dot matrix printer and floppy drive, to Walker Jones Elementary right here in D.C. And an Apple - not bad, huh? Who said Republicans weren't hip?"
Current Vice-President Dick Cheney also made his way down to the Smithsonian for the occasion, his first public appearance since May of 2003. Said Cheney, "Like Cornyn, I also have a soft spot in my heart for the minorities and the ethnics - the Mexicans, etcetera. That's why I'll be auctioning off a rare tape of an Al Jolson Jazz Singer black face impression I did at a Kissinger roast back in '78. It's so spot on."
Nevada Governor Bill Richardson, who made an unsuccessful run for president earlier in the year, was auctioning off never-used campaign shirts that presumed his - and his running mate's - nomination. Printed on each sparkling white T-shirt were the words "Richardson-Lords '08." Said Richardson, "Yep, you guessed it: Tracy Lords. That's right, I came up with the idea of having a smoking-hot trailer trash running mate standing beside me to deflect the fact that I'm old, boring and vacuous way before any of those geniuses over at McCain Central even considered it. So, basically, you all could've had Tracy Lords to leer at for the next four years, but instead you get a flat-assed tundra tramp from North Titifuck. Nice going, American public - per usual."
Republican presidential candidate - and current Arizona Senator - John McCain was also on hand to sell autographed copies of his most recent compilation of erotic poetry entitled, Screaming Between My Glistening Thighs: A Journey
Said the 72-year-old McCain, "The term Renaissance Man I think is thrown around a bit too frequently these days. But it's not just about public service for me, as I am a man of many passions: erotic poetry, erotic sculpture, erotic archery, and, of course, erotic macrame."
But despite the air of bipartisan unity, the day unfortunately ended with a verbal altercation between Pelosi and an irascible Jim Bunning (R-Ky), who muttered, "Hey, Pelosi! Maybe we should just hold this thing up in your district so we could round up your constituents and auction off gay blowjobs."
Moments later, after storming Bunning's adjacent Thomas Kinkaid tent, a fuming Pelosi fired back. "Why go all the way to San Francisco for a gay blowjob when half the Republican Senate is standing right here?"
The two eventually had to be separated and Pelosi physically restrained.
According to congressional aides, as much as 4 percent of the auction's proceeds will be placed into a fund that will, on some scale, contribute to portions of the bailout.
I definitely want the Joe Lieberman package-I need intense scolding over the weekend. It brings consistency to my life since I get so much of it at work!
Posted by: Barbara Halpern | October 23, 2008 at 02:21 PM