Responding to strident criticism from restive lawmakers on Capitol Hill this week, the Ford Motor Company offered some preliminary glimpses of their revitalized and expanded approach to remaining competitive in a rapidly evolving auto industry.
The embattled Detroit auto giant momentarily silenced critics yesterday by unveiling a fleet of new vehicle makes and models powered primarily by an array of fuel sources, a notion that may ultimately rescue Ford and its domestic competitors from the brink of collapse.
Said Jim Farley, Vice-President of Marketing and Communications for the Ford Motor Company, "The struggling economy has placed our industry in an extremely precarious position. However, much like the great Henry Ford did over a century ago, our engineers have answered the challenge by building vehicles that will serve the current needs of our customers while offering a glimpse into the future of auto transportation."
Indeed, Ford will offer three hybrid options, including the hybrid Explorer, an SUV that runs on a combination of gasoline and coal; the hybrid Excursion, a full-sized SUV powered by crude oil, paint chips, and weapons-grade plutonium; and the hybrid F-150, a full-sized pickup that runs on a mixture of gasoline, plastic, tire rubber, gay marriage licenses, and hamster semen.
Mark Sommers, Chief of Administrations at the Environmental Protection Agency, was effusive in his praise of Ford's latest prototypes. "Gas and coal? Wow. Just when you think they've thought of everything. I mean...wow. They've cracked it wide-open, it seems."
Sommers, a former CYA basketball coach and part-time Manpower temp prior to his hiring at the EPA, offered a blunt response when questioned about the environmental safety of a vehicle that expels a melange of gas, plastic, and rubber tire emissions. Said Sommers, "Look: They're trying, okay? That's more than I can say for any of you!"
"The thing is," added Sommers, following a table-flipping incident and then a subsequent self-imposed "time-out," "I'm not sure if there's ample evidence to suggest that any of those agents are harmful, alone or combined. Most of us regularly come into contact with gasoline, and how far would our cars travel without tire rubber? And as for plastic, how dangerous can it be? My four- and five-year olds' favorite thing to do when they're home alone is to play with plastic bags inside my tool shed. Point being, these are reliable consumer products that have been a part of our lives for years, and they haven't harmed us yet."
Due to roll off the assembly line sometime in late January will be the new Ford Inertia, the world's first zero-emissions automobile. A mid-sized convertible SUV, the Inertia is a stationary vehicle that runs on no fuel at all. With a price tag of just under $60,000, critics claim that the pricey Inertia's immobility could serve as a possible detriment to its utility. But Farley and others see things differently.
"Right now, people want security," said Ann Cummins, Assistant Executive Director of Marketing for Ford Motor Co. "They're pausing to take stock of the important things in life, such as family, friends, hearth, and home. Gas is expensive, the roads are dangerous, and the world has become one big, globalized, scum-ridden, smut-drenched, jiz-caked bath house on speed. The Inertia gives Americans the opportunity to catch up on the one essential thing they've been missing out on: Life."
Despite its inherent limitations, the Inertia's interior will come equipped with four Panasonic 27-inch LCD HDTV sets, a 300-watt Bose Dolby DTS Sound System, a Kenmore refrigerator, a cereal pantry, a spice nook, a sauna, and a mahogany china closet.
Said Cummins, beaming with confidence, "All the naysayers claimed we couldn't adapt to the market. But just wait 'till we come up with the Inertia LX in 2010. Not to give anything away, but can you say 'mounted buck's heads and bearskin rugs'? Oops! Spoiler alert!"
On the environmental front, the new Ford Jewpon, an economy subcompact, powered by the ground up remains of recently expired Ashkenazi Jews, promises to be the first vehicle in the world fueled by purely organic material.
"We're thrilled out of our shoes over this vehicle," said Ford spokesman Mike Moran. "The Jewpon is the perfect synergy, merging Henry Ford's dream of designing the quintessential econo-car with his feverish hatred of the Jewish population. Kudos really needs to go out to our engineers for doggedly maintaining the integrity of our venerable founder's vision for this project."
Although Ford may have fired the first salvo in the green automotive revolution for domestic carmakers, it is not without company in its newfound commitment to environmentally-friendly vehicles.
Chrysler, a second member of Detroit's "Big Three" automakers, plans to unveil its entire 2009 fleet of vehicles in various hues of green. Said Carl Millstone, head of the Chrysler's Eastern distribution division, "Based on all of our recent surveys, most people - other than urban blacks, Southern whites, and the Armenian Mafia - want to be most associated with the color green right now - and everything that it implies. Being green isn't just limited to having an awareness of the natural environment: It's a state of mind."
When questioned as to whether Chrysler's green-colored vehicles will be accompanied by higher fuel emissions standards, Millstone said, "Green is a state of mind."
So,why hasn't SNL hired you yet? Now, I know they are not idiots.
And why does the American public contiue to believe all the crap about how bailing out financial institutions, mega corporations,etc. will help the economy? Is anyone laughing?
Posted by: Ms. W | December 03, 2008 at 08:35 AM
Various people all over the world receive the business loans in different banks, because it's fast and easy.
Posted by: FranklinHolly | September 01, 2010 at 06:50 PM