Obama Wins: U.S. Besieged by Al Qaeda, Angry Blacks, Gays, Self-Congratulating Liberal White Guys

America's darkest fears were realized this week as a plague of noxious enemies bombarded the U.S. in the wake of Barack Obama's landslide presidential victory over Arizona Senator John McCain. 

Sequestered in one of current Vice-President Dick Cheney's designated undisclosed locations, the President-elect gave an emergency address to the American public via the Emergency Broadcast System amidst a backdrop of myriad Farah Fawcett and 1970s muscle car posters.

"As most of you know," said a shaken but resolute Obama, "within the past 72 hours, our country has come under relentless attack by a host of extremely dangerous elements, both foreign and domestic, from Muslim extremists to angry African Americans demanding their just due following centuries of oppression to needy twenty-something white guys toting messenger bags and wearing Vote Obama campaign buttons, skinny jeans and snug Che Guevara T-shirts."

Obama then added, "Right now, the best thing to do is to stay inside with your doors locked and your lights off and to await further instructions. But whatever happens, don't panic: It is in these, our darkest of hours, that Americans must band together and show their collective resolve. May God bless us all, and may God bless America."

Added current president George W. Bush, speaking from a separate secured subterranean bunker, "I knew it! How many times did I need to tell ya'll that if we didn't fight 'em over there, we'd have to be fightin 'em over here on our soil? All you sum'bitches made fun of me, but this here's a prime example of what happens when you stop arbitrarily bombing random shit." 

Moments later, the President added, "Right now, I also want to echo President-elect Obama's sentiments about staying put inside your homes - except before you do, make sure you've got between twenty and thirty rolls of industrial grade duct tape. But that should always go without saying."

By Friday evening, however, the situation had become grave.

In West Hollywood California, scores of homosexual men, emboldened by Obama's Election Night call for gay equality, vowed to hold marathon "Dexter" watch parties in tidy lofts across the state until Proposition 8, a ban on gay marriage, is overturned.

"We're not going anywhere until they give us the rights explicitly granted to every U.S. citizen in the Constitution," said Bryce Warner, a corporate attorney from Silverlake, sitting on the couch of his friend David's loft located above Santa Monica Boulevard. Warner then added glumly, "I'm so bloated with Haagen Dazs right now; I hate myself."

Said Warner's partner, Steven Beals, a William Morris talent agent, "You know that movie "A Day Without a Mexican"? Yeah, well, imagine this town for a day without us. Good luck getting your film directed or your sitcom produced or your husband's dick blown in a Bally's shower stall."

To make matters worse, Muslim Arabs - an ethnic group with alleged ties to the Al Qaeda, Hezbollah, and Hamas terrorist networks - were seen lounging lazily on the dining patios of numerous restaurants and eateries across the U.S. on Friday, chain-smoking Marlboro Light cigarettes and barking Arabic into their respective Blue Tooth headsets. 

In Tampa Florida, Olive Garden customer Bill Pitts, sitting with two business associates, observed a suspicious Middle-Eastern man sitting at a nearby patio table. "There's an obvious terrorist plot materializing here," he said. "It's not like I think all Muslims are terrorists or anything, but how suspicious is that? I mean, a guy just sits there, screaming into his phone, wearing pleated Cavariccis and a black leather jacket in 90-plus degree heat." Pitts then added, "And even though he hasn't lit a cigarette for at least 20 minutes, I can still see smoke billowing from his body. Is that normal?" 

As of Friday evening, the Department of Homeland Security, headed by Michael Chertoff, had yet to announce any significant intercepts of terrorist activity, though Chertoff claimed that all department operatives remained on high alert. Said Chertoff, "What makes this different from 9/11 is the technology currently at our disposal. After years of dredging through millions of pages of hardcore Internet porn, it'll be interesting to see if our filters can catch anything other than three chicks triple-teaming a male giraffe.

On Friday afternoon, New York City officials were also on high alert as African Americans swarmed local restaurants, coffee shops, and retail stores to perhaps retaliate for years of racial injustice. Said 24-year-old Raymond Holloway, a second-year NYU film student from nearby Washington Heights, "I can't speak for all black people, but I think this is a huge sign that racism is sort of fading from this country's social fabric - at least for my generation." When asked as to whether or not he felt the urge to douse an El Camino with gasoline and set it ablaze while screaming "KILL WHITEY!" he replied, "No. Plus, I have really bad allergies; smoke only exacerbates them." 

Holloway then added, "But I am angry, to some extent. Why Hollywood can't make smart, edgy black movies that don't involve fat comedians, rapper-turned-actors, or a bunch women sitting around an apartment whining about how they can't find a good black man is beyond me. 

Holloway continued. "Granted, I know movies suck in general, but where's our Pulp Fiction? Where's our Brokeback Mountain? Where's our Little Miss Sunshine? I mean...god dammit! Holloway's voice crescendoed into angry shouts and shrieks. Then, he added, "Come to think of it, maybe I will go set an El Camino on fire. Wait, what's an El Camino  again?"

As Holloway stormed out of the small Broadway coffee shop, a dog-eared copy of the screenplay "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" firmly in hand, a full-scale S.W.A.T. team summarily descended upon him, bringing the graduate student into submission with tear gas, tasers, and several hundred rounds of rubber bullets.

Said NYPD Police Commissioner Raymond W. Kelly, speaking at an emergency press briefing two hours later, "He's (Holloway) probably harmless. But, as you know, we just can't take chances with these people (blacks, darkies, negroes) right now. With the election of Obama, this city is a veritable powder keg. "And as for Holloway, I wouldn't be too worried. We'll bring him in, slip him some roofies, plant a chip in him, and place his naked, unconscious body in front of the Times Square Red Lobster at dawn. Tomorrow morning, he won't have a clue that any of this ever happened; and everyone can go on with their lives."

In Davis, California, coffee shops were overwhelmed with caucasian men in their mid-twenties, wielding Macbook laptops and wearing snug clothing accessorized with Obama campaign paraphernalia. 

Tanyon Farmer and Zack Gilroy, both attendees of nearby U.C. Davis - and both avid supporters of Obama - hunkered down on a couch inside a local Starbucks and asked nearby patrons for their input in compiling a mix CD representative of the President-elect's historic campaign run.

"What song do you guys associate with Obama?" asked Farmer to a group of startled teenage girls discussing Myspace page wallpaper options. "Me, I keep thinking something by Death Cab would be cool, ya know?" 

Echoed Gilroy, "Yeah, definitely Death Cab." Gilroy then approached a hulking, flannel-clad man reading the newspaper and asked, "What do you think, buddy? Death Cab?"

The man lowered his newspaper and replied, "Actually, I'm somewhat of a traditionalist. So why don't we go with that song 'Get the fuck out of my face before I pound the shit out of you, you little emo faggot.'" 

"It's been going on like this ever since Tuesday," said Starbucks manager Tavaris Sayles of the hoards of seemingly politically active young men infusing his establishment. They've basically scared all of my normal regulars away with their overall weirdness and inane chatter, which I've noticed never has anything to do with actual politics. Seems like they're just infatuated with the idea of associating themselves with someone who, at the moment, appears to be cool. But God knows if they've even voted. I find myself wanting to murder them with my hands."

As of noon Saturday, neither Obama nor Bush had released any strategies to ward off the vicious assortment of enemies.

Senator John McCain, speaking via telephone from one of his sprawling compounds in Mesa Arizona, said, "Okay, my friends, what did I tell you weeks ago about Barack Obama - other than that stuff I said about him being a Muslim and him being a Godless socialist and consorting with known terrorists...oh, and that stuff about him and his wife hating America? I said Barack Obama would not be ready to lead this country against foreign or domestic enemies on day one. And I was right."

When reminded of Obama's limited purview in these matters, due to the fact that he has yet to be sworn in as president, McCain said, "If it were me, I would've already gone into that White House, guerilla-style, and physically removed that useless miscarriage from office - Danang-style."

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