In an effort to counteract the current panoply of national voter registration drives, the Public Broadcasting Service announced yesterday that it will implement the country's first known anti-voting campaign for the final days of this year's presidential battle between U.S. Senators Barack Obama and John McCain. According to PBS executives, the main focus of the push will be to stem the deluge of ill-informed, ill-prepared and clinically retarded citizens, who have swelled voter registration rolls, from casting ballots on Election Day.
In a press conference held at PBS headquarters in Arlington, Virginia, spokesperson Rachel Burris explained PBS' strategy. "PBS has long provided citizens with the news, culture, and political discourse that are so vital to a thriving democracy; in this sense, we are stalwart champions of enlightenment and staunch opponents of ignorance. Therefore, we feel that it is our duty to the public - and to the global community - to prevent as many of these dumb motherfuckers from casting ballots as is humanly possible."
Indeed, recent polls suggest that many U.S. citizens are lacking even the most rudimentary knowledge of civics, geography, science, and mathematics.
As a result, 51 percent of all Americans reject the theory of evolution, 57 percent cannot name one supreme court justice, and 32 percent cannot identify the current U.S. vice-president.
Even more distressing, 32 percent of Americans identify Malaysia not as a Southeast Asian country but as a desirable name for a female child, 53 percent think Niger is a racial epithet, 34 percent think that Liberia is the region of the female anatomy located just north of the clitoris, and 60 percent cannot locate Iraq on a map of the Middle East.
On a positive note, 77 percent of all Americans can locate Iraq on a map, providing the map consists of one country.
"Jesus and Mary in a hot tub," squawked longtime PBS news analyst Bill Moyers when apprised of these statistics. "Growing up in Oklahoma, you'd think I'd be immune to the abysmal stupidity of most Americans by now. But you've really got to scratch your head when a person would name their baby daughter Malaysia. That's flat-out child abuse."
Moyers, along with PBS colleagues Gwen Ifill, Tavis Smiley, Ray Suarez, Jim Lehrer, and David Broncaccio, plan on spending the entire weekend canvassing Ohio and Pennsylvania, two swing states whose victory is requisite for a presidential victory. Speaking to a group of undecided voters outside an Applebees restaurant in Akron Ohio, a fatigued but resolute Ifill said, "Our message to you is clear: If it's taken you this long to figure out which of these candidates is the one who best represents your political and social views, please do this country and the rest of this world a favor: Stay the fuck home! Now say it with me: Stay the fuck home! Stay the fuck home! Stay the fuck home!"
Ifill's call was quickly adopted by the crowd and soon resonated throughout the parking lot. Within several minutes, the chants gained momentum and were said to be heard a mile away, over the din of a sold-out Styx reunion tour concert at the Montgomery County Fairgrounds.
Sitting at a nearby Stop! Wait! Pleeeease Don't Vote! promotional table, journalists Tavis Smiley and David Broncaccio offered free Hometown Buffet coupons, 12-gauge shotgun shells, morning-after pills, and bags of Funyons and Spicy Hot Cheetos to individuals willing to sign a sworn affidavit pledging their abstention from voting on Election Day.
The shotgun shells went first, followed by all 200 remaining items.
Said Broncoccio, "Who knew that people would be willing to sell their most fundamental right as Americans for a box of shotgun ammo?" After pausing pensively, he then added, "Uh, well, it seems like we knew. I guess that's sort of why we're here."
Added an optimistic Smiley, "I know we're swimming against the current with our campaign, but this gives me a profound sense of hope for our nation. After today, the biggest winner is the future of the United States of America."
And the biggest loser?
"Anything cute and furry that walks on all fours around here."
But Burris and other PBS officials conceded that their challenge is daunting, if not impossible. The Choose or Lose campaign, for example, a voter registration program initiated by the cable giant MTV, has the benefit of years of corporate nurturing, myriad celebrity endorsements, and seemingly unlimited funds from parent company Viacom. "Basically, with Choose or Lose and Rock the Vote, we're up against two media juggernauts," said Burris. "We can state our case as rationally and convincingly as possible to the public, but the nanosecond that that MTV whorehouse on wheels sleazes around the bend, we're basically done for."
Still, it hasn't been for lack of effort. In fact, on Saturday afternoon, PBS journalists Charlie Rose, Ray Suarez, and Jim Lehrer, who in their off-time comprise the death metal trio "Flagellation Thong Machine," performed for more than a thousand ambivalent voters at a J.C. Penny's parking lot in State College, Pennsylvania.
Between songs, Suarez, clad in an orange mohawk, innumerable body piercings, and a neon yellow g-string, yelled defiantly into the crowd from the precipice of the stage. "Do us all a big favor," he snarled. "If you pieces of syphilitic shit really, sincerely wanna' have yourselves heard on Election Day, just fart. Trust me, the result will be a lot less foul than the alternative."
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