In a downtown Santa Monica courtroom Monday afternoon, Hansel Saint Nicholas, more commonly referred to as Kris Kringle or Santa Claus, was formally charged with conducting an alleged fraud ring of unparalleled breadth and scope. Spanning more than 15 decades, Clause's intricate scheme has involved the bilking of over 14 billion individuals and the embezzlement, laundering, and misappropriation of the equivalent of over $30 Trillion in retail store gift cards, jewelry, liquor, board games, designer clothing, children's toys, video games, puppies, S&M accessories, and eight-dollar checks from grandmothers. According to SEC officials, most, if not all, of the items have been bought, sold, and leveraged on the international black market.
Claus, described by one close associate as "a mirthful, avuncular man in his mid-to-late 100s," has left billions of former admirers struggling to reconcile their feelings for a man who has, for over a century, personified the theme of Christmas through his apparent warmth, goodwill, and largesse.
"I can still remember the Christmas when Santa brought me my first lethally-trained pit bull," said Treese Barrett, now a professional dog and cock fighter from Reno, Nevada. "There it was, beneath the Christmas tree, peacefully gnawing through the double-reinforced steel wiring of his cage and salivating at the sight of my little brother, Petie."
Added Sandy Drew, a guidance counselor from Silver Springs Maryland, "I still have no idea what I'm going to tell my two little ones at home - this is just devastating news. For as long as I can remember, Santa's been an inspiration to me and everyone I know, a symbol of of goodness, of purity, and of the dominance and superiority of the white, germanic bloodline."
But the image of Claus as the ever-benevolent messenger of Christmas tidings now thoroughly contradicts the reality of a man who will be charged on over 28 billion counts of criminal malfeasance.
"It took five guys and seven taser shots to subdue him," said Sgt. Marion "Spanky" Johnovich of the Santa Monica Police Department. "Tell ya what, too: The guy looks like a happy-go-lucky fat ass, but he kicks like an ox and swears like 50 Cent. And, as I was escorting him to the holding cell, he stares me straight in the eye and says, in this creepy baritone, "Naughty." Then, as I'm walking away, he yells, "I know where you live, Johnovich."
Johnovich then added, "The weird thing is, I didn't even have my uniform or badge on at the time. I was in plainclothes." He shuddered, then concluded, "Now that's some trippy Hannibal Lecter shit right there."
Indeed many with closer ties to Claus have, over time, witnessed a more conflicted soul than the one typically portrayed by the media. Earl Ray Kringle, Santa Claus' half-brother who currently works in waste management in Louisville Kentucky, recalled an incident in grade school when Santa's true colors were laid bare.
"See, back then everyone knew him as this little fat kid named Kris. So, you could only imagine the shit he used to get for: a. being fat and b. having a little girl's first name. So, needless to say, he got his ass beat by pretty much everyone. But this one day, back in Ms. Randoph's second-grade class, he just snapped. After this one kid flicked his ear, he got up right in the middle of class - all four-foot-six of him - and shouted, 'One day, I'm gonna get you all! Every single one of you little miscarriages of Satan! Somehow, some way, it's gonna fuckin' go down!' And I guess that's why I never bought any of that 'ho-ho-ho' shit."
Claus shuffled into the courtroom Monday morning, his hair and clothes in tatters, after spending the night in the Santa Monica County Jail. According to police reports, Claus was holed up in a trailer with his girlfriend, Desire, an exotic dancer from Pomona, and eight pint-sized reindeer. Moments before police arrived at his residence, Claus attempted an escape on the back of one of the diminutive mammals.
"He tried to flee into a neighbor's yard," said Officer Jay Rhodes of the Santa Monica Police Department. "But we knew he wasn't going to get very far on the back of one freakishly small reindeer. I mean, the guy's morbidly obese, lugging around an oxygen tank, and higher than a kite. Really - how far's he gonna get riding a reindeer the size of a petite Chihuahua? Still, we had a sniper take out the deer's hindquarters with a round of semi-automatic fire just, you know, for precaution's sake."
According to Rhodes and two other officers at the scene, the interior of Claus' trailer was filthy and in utter disarray. Said Rhodes, "He had these animals living in just deplorable conditions. There were piles of deer feces, over $300 thousand in stolen audio equipment, and enough uncut cocaine to keep an elephant high for a month."
Claus has issued a series of "no comments" to the media through his various attorneys and spokespeople. However, the latest SEC probe has found that, on one level, Claus' machination has operated for years by stealing one gift from each family at a time and replacing it with a personal journal with a handwritten inscription on the inside flap that says, "Be anyone you want to be."
Thomas Hall, a regional official with the SEC, described the plot as "Pure genius" as he poured over legal documents relating to Claus' case. "Think about it. Every year, after all the presents have been opened, there's that one gift that's just vanished. And, if we do notice - which we almost never do - most of us just assume it's been tossed with the rest of the wrapping paper - you know, collateral damage. But it happens every year, and every year we just accept it." He then added, "Oh, and the personal journals? Talk about the perfect cheap smokescreen - who's going to remember losing out on a Gap mock turtleneck when you've just been told by someone you love to follow your dreams?"
It was just a matter of time. God only knows what Hannukah Harry is up too.
Posted by: curlylml | December 24, 2008 at 09:12 AM