Creaky Wheel

Claus Charged in $32 Trillion Ponzi Scheme

In a downtown Santa Monica courtroom Monday afternoon, Hansel Saint Nicholas, more commonly referred to as Kris Kringle or Santa Claus, was formally charged with conducting an alleged fraud ring of unparalleled breadth and scope. Spanning more than 15 decades, Clause's intricate scheme has involved the bilking of over 14 billion individuals and the embezzlement, laundering, and misappropriation of the equivalent of over $30 Trillion in retail store gift cards, jewelry, liquor, board games, designer clothing, children's toys, video games, puppies, S&M accessories, and eight-dollar checks from grandmothers. According to SEC officials, most, if not all, of the items have been bought, sold, and leveraged on the international black market.

Claus, described by one close associate as "a mirthful, avuncular man in his mid-to-late 100s," has left billions of former admirers struggling to reconcile their feelings for a man who has, for over a century, personified the theme of Christmas through his apparent warmth, goodwill, and largesse. 

"I can still remember the Christmas when Santa brought me my first lethally-trained pit bull," said Treese Barrett, now a professional dog and cock fighter from Reno, Nevada. "There it was, beneath the Christmas tree, peacefully gnawing through the double-reinforced steel wiring of his cage and salivating at the sight of my little brother, Petie."

Added Sandy Drew, a guidance counselor from Silver Springs Maryland, "I still have no idea what I'm going to tell my two little ones at home - this is just devastating news. For as long as I can remember, Santa's been an inspiration to me and everyone I know, a symbol of of goodness, of purity, and of the dominance and superiority of the white, germanic bloodline." 

But the image of Claus as the ever-benevolent messenger of Christmas tidings now thoroughly contradicts the reality of a man who will be charged on over 28 billion counts of criminal malfeasance. 

"It took five guys and seven taser shots to subdue him," said Sgt. Marion "Spanky" Johnovich of the Santa Monica Police Department. "Tell ya what, too: The guy looks like a happy-go-lucky fat ass, but he kicks like an ox and swears like 50 Cent. And, as I was escorting him to the holding cell, he stares me straight in the eye and says, in this creepy baritone, "Naughty." Then, as I'm walking away, he yells, "I know where you live, Johnovich."

Johnovich then added, "The weird thing is, I didn't even have my uniform or badge on at the time. I was in plainclothes." He shuddered, then concluded, "Now that's some trippy Hannibal Lecter shit right there."

Indeed many with closer ties to Claus have, over time, witnessed a more conflicted soul than the one typically portrayed by the media. Earl Ray Kringle, Santa Claus' half-brother who currently works in waste management in Louisville Kentucky, recalled an incident in grade school when Santa's true colors were laid bare.

"See, back then everyone knew him as this little fat kid named Kris. So, you could only imagine the shit he used to get for: a. being fat and b. having a little girl's first name. So, needless to say, he got his ass beat by pretty much everyone. But this one day, back in Ms. Randoph's second-grade class, he just snapped. After this one kid flicked his ear, he got up right in the middle of class - all four-foot-six of him - and shouted, 'One day, I'm gonna get you all! Every single one of you little miscarriages of Satan! Somehow, some way, it's gonna fuckin' go down!' And I guess that's why I never bought any of that 'ho-ho-ho' shit."

Claus shuffled into the courtroom Monday morning, his hair and clothes in tatters, after spending the night in the Santa Monica County Jail. According to police reports, Claus was holed up in a trailer with his girlfriend, Desire, an exotic dancer from Pomona, and eight pint-sized reindeer. Moments before police arrived at his residence, Claus attempted an escape on the back of one of the diminutive mammals.

"He tried to flee into a neighbor's yard," said Officer Jay Rhodes of the Santa Monica Police Department. "But we knew he wasn't going to get very far on the back of one freakishly small reindeer. I mean, the guy's morbidly obese, lugging around an oxygen tank, and higher than a kite. Really - how far's he gonna get riding a reindeer the size of a petite Chihuahua? Still, we had a sniper take out the deer's hindquarters with a round of semi-automatic fire just, you know, for precaution's sake."

According to Rhodes and two other officers at the scene, the interior of Claus' trailer was filthy and in utter disarray. Said Rhodes, "He had these animals living in just deplorable conditions. There were piles of deer feces, over $300 thousand in stolen audio equipment, and enough uncut cocaine to keep an elephant high for a month."

Claus has issued a series of "no comments" to the media through his various attorneys and spokespeople. However, the latest SEC probe has found that, on one level, Claus' machination has operated for years by stealing one gift from each family at a time and replacing it with a personal journal with a handwritten inscription on the inside flap that says, "Be anyone you want to be."

Thomas Hall, a regional official with the SEC, described the plot as "Pure genius" as he poured over legal documents relating to Claus' case. "Think about it. Every year, after all the presents have been opened, there's that one gift that's just vanished. And, if we do notice - which we almost never do - most of us just assume it's been tossed with the rest of the wrapping paper - you know, collateral damage. But it happens every year, and every year we just accept it." He then added, "Oh, and the personal journals? Talk about the perfect cheap smokescreen - who's going to remember losing out on a Gap mock turtleneck when you've just been told by someone you love to follow your dreams?" 

Middle Schooler Loses Snap Fight With Misused "So is Your Face" Retort

13-year-old Dirk Soh, an eighth-grader at Sunnyvale Middle School in Santa Fe, New Mexico, lost his first ever snap fight Friday when he misused the normally devastating "So is your face" comeback. 

A shaken Josh Farmer, Soh's lab partner in Mr. Fecketer's third period science class, recounted the confrontation between Soh and seventh-grader Billy Pearson. "First, Billy was all fat and all. And so then, Dirk was like, 'You're so fat, when your mom cooks, instead of greasing the pan, she pokes one of your chins with a sewing needle and lets the melted butter run out.' And we were all: 'Oh Shit!' And so then Billy was all, 'Well, you're so stinky, people crap themselves and plug their noses with it just so they don't have to smell your B.O.' And so then Dirk was all, 'Oh, yeah? Well so is your face!'" 

To exacerbate matters, a desperate Soh then added, "Your mother - infinity!" 

A hallway gathering of approximately 20 students immediately turned on the normally popular Soh, bludgeoning him with countless Trapper Keeper notebooks. Moments later, after all students had been dispersed by the fourth period late bell, a wounded Soh cowered against a row of lockers, trembling and emitting a series of semi-coherent mumbles: "Exploding video rock unicorn shapes ...EXPLODING VIDEO ROCK UNICORN SHAPES!" 

Soh, who declined to be interviewed for this article, originally made his mark back in 2005, following a four-year stint at Matilda Avenue Elementary School as a "screecher," typically one of the louder individuals among a mob of snap fight onlookers who alternately yells, "Oh, shit!" and "Look - he's gonna cry!"  

Unsatisfied with his role, Soh rapidly climbed the ranks of Matilda Avenue's premier snap-fighters. It was then that snap fight enthusiast Stevie Gomez saw the beginnings of what would one day become the most legendary snap-fighter in the school's 46-year history.

"This one time," recalled Gomez, "he made four different kids cry in the same day. And it wasn't like Dirk was a scary kid or anything. He's kinda' chubby, maybe five-two, and was still really into Disney at the time. So just imagine having a little Asian kid wearing a Winnie the Pooh turtleneck tell you that 'You're so fat, when your mamma was having you, the doctor dangled a package of Twinkies outside your her cooter so that you'd come out faster.' It'll mess you up inside." 

Gomez, waxing reflective, then added, "It was hella-masterful."

Soh, an eighth-grader, had shown telltale signs of slippage leading up to Friday's incidient, according to teachers, classmates, and other close associates. 

Said Soh's best friend, eighth-grader Timmy Brendt, "Ever since he started going out with Ape-face (seventh-grader Nancy DeSilvo), he's been kinda' boring to be around and kinda' unfunny, too - and I think it's really affected the quality of his put-downs." 

When asked to expand on the nature of Soh and DeSalvo's relationship, Brendt shook his head in dismay. "I have no idea, and I don't get it. They just sit there and smile at each other all lunch period." 

Yanks Ink Cryogenically Frozen Arm of Warren Spahn to Six-Year Pact

The New York Yankees stunned Major League Baseball's annual Winter Meetings this past week by announcing the signing of deceased Hall-of-Fame pitcher Warren Spahn's cryogenically frozen left arm to a 6-year $100 million contract. The storied franchise's acquisition of the meticulously preserved former great's pitching arm is perhaps its most stirring acquisition since their 1976 free-agent signing of controversial future Hall-of-Fame outfielder, Reggie Jackson.

"This is just awesome," said an uncharacteristically ecstatic Derek Jeter, the Yankees' team captain and perennial all-star shortstop. "We've been searching for an arm of this caliber ever since David Cone left back in 2002. This puts us right back in the thick of things for next season."

The acquisition of Spahn's dismembered appendage also marks a departure from the franchise's current philosophy, which has been exemplified in recent seasons by the team's renewed commitment to baseball's annual amateur draft, as well as its refusal to trade off young, promising players in its minor league farm system for high-priced veterans. 

However, Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman, the putative architect of the team's youth movement, has encountered mixed results and, consequently, has endured scathing criticism from fans, the voracious New York sports media, and his employers, the Steinbrenner family.

"Last year," said Cashman, "I turned down the chance to get the best pitcher in baseball (Johan Santana) in exchange for a bunch of our young prospects who turned out to be not so good. Hence, the Lowjack." Cashman gestured to a conspicuous clamp on his right ankle. "Now, if I stray more than a hundred feet from either of the Steinbrenner brothers, this thing releases a massive dose of skin-permeating cyanide into my bloodstream." 

"So now, they play this thing called 'Ditch Cash,'" continued Cashman, describing a game wherein the Steinbrenners weave their Ferrari Testarossa through mid-town traffic while Cashman, with his anklet activated, is forced to keep up in his 1984 Nissan Stanza. Said Cashman, "I really love my job, but I totally fucking hate that game."

On Thursday, the Steinbrenners pressured Cashman to deviate from his vision, and he acquiesced. "When we heard that Spahn's arm was not only available, but that it had also maintained most of its structural integrity, we just couldn't pass it up. Also, our team of biomechanics from HVCC ran a panel of tests and assured Hal, Hank, and myself that the arm is sound enough to endure the rigors of a 200-plus inning season. Add all this to the fact that we didn't have to give up Phil Hughes, and the deal was a no-brainer."

Said Yankees manager Joe Girardi, "I cannot tell you in words how thrilled we are right now to have Spahnny's arm as part of our pitching staff, going forward. Any time you can add a first-ballot Hall-of-Famer's arm - whether alive or dead - to your roster without giving up any key prospects, it's just a tremendous blessing."

Spahn, whose 21-year major league career included a Cy Young award and 17 all-star appearances,retired from baseball in 1965. He won 363 games and is considered by many to be one of the greatest southpaw pitchers in the history of the game. 

The former Hall-of-Fame pitcher's arm was immediately detached from his shoulder socket and placed atop a valor pillow within a cryogenic chamber, per his request, upon his expiration in 2003.

Girardi was guardedly optimistic when asked to predict how Spahn's arm might perform over the duration of the new contract.

"I think it'll be fine," he said. "I guess if there's a possible downside it would be that all blood and living tissue has been absent from the appendage for about five years. So there might be some wear and tear or ligament issues down the road. Also, I'm still not one hundred percent sold on the concept of an arm being able to pitch a baseball without a live human body attached. I guess we'll just have to wait and see."

Girardi also cautioned against placing unrealistic expectations on the arm in its first stint as a New York Yankee.

"Granted, just like with any other acquisition, there's going to be a period of adjustment. I had to deal with it in '95 - and let's not forget Tino Martinez, who was booed in his first game here and ended up becoming a folk hero. There will be some bumps in the road, but New York loves an underdog. And you know what else? If that arm pitches like we all know it's capable of, I wouldn't be surprised if, in a few years, we have another Yankeeography on our hands." 

Said Cashman, "It's no secret, but for the past several seasons, our lack of frontline starting pitching has really hindered our chances of advancing deep into the postseason. So, needless to say, our strategy this offseason will be to stockpile quality arms. If that means grossly overbidding for players that most sane teams shy away from, fucking-a awesome; if it means exhuming and re-animating the corpses of all-time-greats, so be it." And with that, Cashman's eyes grew wide and crazed. He inhaled deeply and shouted, "Can you smell it? Smells like late-autumn baseball, doesn't it? Frontline power pitching! Yeah! HELLS YEAH! WHOOOPEEE!"

But moments after the acquisition was announced, Cashman's strategy was derided by fellow general managers throughout baseball.

"This is gratuitous - yet another case of the rich getting richer," said Milwaukee Brewers General Manager, Dan O'Brien. "The fact of the matter is, very few teams in baseball can afford to give a nine-figure contract to an arm from a dead Hall-of-Fame pitcher. And it says a lot about the state of baseball that the smaller market franchises are going to be left pursuing lesser body parts."

O'Brien's harsh words proved prophetic as the Pittsburgh Pirates - one of the league's poorest teams - were working to acquire former troubled all-star Daryl Strawberry's feet for a $200 flat rate. Strawberry, though still alive, says he is willing to have both of his feet amputated in exchange for what he referred to as "ho funds."

Said ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons, "Pittsburgh's likely acquisition of Strawberry's feet could prove auspicious for the struggling American League club, which  finished next to last in successful stolen base attempts in 2008." 

Spahn's family members, though initially hesitant about agreeing to a contract with the Yankees, said they were as much impressed by Cashman's demeanor and deference as they were overwhelmed by the enormity of the contract offer. Said Spahn's eldest grandaughter, Sally Spahn-Silverstein, "He flew out here in the middle of the night, in a driving rain storm, and met with us and the arm in Grandpa Warren's great room and assured everyone that New York would be the perfect fit. And then, after all of us went to bed, he just sat with the are all night long until dawn, singing hymnals to it and caressing its glass casing." 

Teachers' Salaries to be Paid in Compliments, Well-Wishing, Firm Handshakes

In an effort to avert a systemic slash and burn of public education funding - and amidst the deepest economic recession in nearly half a century - California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced yesterday, at an emergency press conference in Sacramento, that the California School Boards Association would employ the country's first ever non-monetary pay scale for public school teachers. 

The new pay scale, which takes effect on the first of the new year, will mandate that all California K-12 public school teachers be paid in a salary consisting of compliments and words of encouragement - as opposed to the current mode of teacher compensation: small sums of money, gnome keychains, holiday candy baggies, coffee cake slabs, and discount coupons to Waldenbooks. 

Schwarzenegger, flanked by an eclectic coalition of state legislators, district superintendents, school board officials, and representatives from the California State Teacher's Association, assured a leery public that the drastic measure of eliminating monetary payment for teachers is necessary at a time when public schools are also struggling to fiscally address the issues of flagging student academic performance, overcrowded classrooms, and skyrocketing dropout rates. 

Currently, California has the fourth highest high school dropout rate in the nation, trailing only Kentucky, Alabama, and Mississippi. Moreover, the Los Angeles Unified School District has the third highest teacher turnover rate in greater North America, behind Tijuana Unified in Baja California and Frozen Tundra Rural Sheet 16 Unified in Nelson Forks, British Columbia.

"We are at a crises point in public education right now," said Jack O'Connell, Superintendent of Public Education. "We've been struggling for literally hours trying to find an acceptable solution to this pressing issue and, quite frankly, we ultimately found ourselves limited to two options: Completely overhaul the method of teacher compensation, or replace all credentialed teachers with furloughed inmates." After some intense wrangling and arm-twisting, Schwarzenegger convinced state lawmakers to chose the former. 

The Inmate-to-Teacher program cited by O'Connell, more commonly referred to as ITT, has been piloted at several Northern California public schools recently, with somewhat inconclusive results. Said a dismayed Bob Santos, Head Principal of San Jose's Kennedy Senior High School, "They pulled the plug on the program far too soon. I think that, overall, ITT had some real potential; and things had actually been going exceptionally well here until members of our new English faculty shanked my secretary in the sternum and sold me for a carton of Kools." 

The state's new plan calls for teachers to be compensated on a per-compliment basis, with the strongest teachers garnering the most effusive praise. 

For example, compliments such as "How do you do it?" "It's people like you that remind me that teachers belong next to angels in heaven," "That's so brave," and "What you're doing is...I just know I couldn't do it" will be reserved for teachers whose students make the greatest leap in test scores. Second-tier teachers, whose students show moderate academic improvement, will receive slightly less fawning compliments, such as "We need people like you," "Keep fighting the good fight," and "Just remember: You're doing a very good thing."

On the other hand, teachers whose students show no quantitative academic improvement will be plucked in the crotch by each member of their local school board, strapped naked to a metal folding chair that's been chilled to 12 degrees Fahrenheit, and forced to watch "Dangerous Minds" on a loop for 72 consecutive hours while subsisting on a diet of lamb broth and Powerade. 

Finally, teachers whose students display severe academic regression will be summarily promoted to the school board, at which point they will be considered for the position of district superintendent.

Despite its fiscal benefits to the state, however, the new compensation program comes with a raft of pressing questions and possible conflicts. Most conspicuously, critics are left to wonder how teachers will pay for bare necessities such as food, rent, clothing, and electricity.

Officials such as O'Connell and Schwarzenegger, have suggested night jobs such as bartending or custodial work to help pay bills.

Nancy McDowell, a veteran second-grade teacher, has devised a strategy to recoup some - if not most -of her financial losses.

"Whoring," said the 41-year-old from Anaheim, California. "I saw this thing coming a mile away, so I've already been going at it for three, four months now." 

McDowell added that most of her customers are "sort of on the mid-to-lower end of the totem pole," and that unemployed vacuum salesmen, uncircumsized longshoremen, and the occasional Mormon church leader comprise the lion's share of her customers. "Not that I'm complaining," she said.

"I'm 41 with four kids, so let's just say things aren't as upscale down there as one might like them to be," McDowell added, rapidly air-circling her crotch region with her index finger.

In addition to teachers' salaries being supplanted by compliments and words of encouragement, their benefits packages - long a source of envy among many U.S. workers - will additionally be replaced by hearty handshakes and brief but firm pats on the shoulder or back, followed by any one of the following comments: "Way to go, big chief," You're a horse - a real thoroughbred," "Top Notch!" and "You rock!"

Said a dejected but fidgety 6th-grade teacher at a San Fernando Valley middle school, who requested that his name be omitted from this article, "I've found that these compliments aren't an especially marketable commodity beyond my school site. Fact is, when I told my dope dealer he's 'Top Notch" instead of giving him the usual payment of a moist ball of small bills, he snuffed a cigarette out on my cheek and called me a big white jiz basket. So...no drugs."

According to O'Connell, the phrase "Big white jiz basket" has yet to be approved as a form of teacher compensation, although he did hint that it could eventually be adopted for use in more positive contexts, such as: "You're a pretty good teacher for a big white jiz bucket," or "Great job, big white jiz basket!"