13-year-old Dirk Soh, an eighth-grader at Sunnyvale Middle School in Santa Fe, New Mexico, lost his first ever snap fight Friday when he misused the normally devastating "So is your face" comeback.
A shaken Josh Farmer, Soh's lab partner in Mr. Fecketer's third period science class, recounted the confrontation between Soh and seventh-grader Billy Pearson. "First, Billy was all fat and all. And so then, Dirk was like, 'You're so fat, when your mom cooks, instead of greasing the pan, she pokes one of your chins with a sewing needle and lets the melted butter run out.' And we were all: 'Oh Shit!' And so then Billy was all, 'Well, you're so stinky, people crap themselves and plug their noses with it just so they don't have to smell your B.O.' And so then Dirk was all, 'Oh, yeah? Well so is your face!'"
To exacerbate matters, a desperate Soh then added, "Your mother - infinity!"
A hallway gathering of approximately 20 students immediately turned on the normally popular Soh, bludgeoning him with countless Trapper Keeper notebooks. Moments later, after all students had been dispersed by the fourth period late bell, a wounded Soh cowered against a row of lockers, trembling and emitting a series of semi-coherent mumbles: "Exploding video rock unicorn shapes ...EXPLODING VIDEO ROCK UNICORN SHAPES!"
Soh, who declined to be interviewed for this article, originally made his mark back in 2005, following a four-year stint at Matilda Avenue Elementary School as a "screecher," typically one of the louder individuals among a mob of snap fight onlookers who alternately yells, "Oh, shit!" and "Look - he's gonna cry!"
Unsatisfied with his role, Soh rapidly climbed the ranks of Matilda Avenue's premier snap-fighters. It was then that snap fight enthusiast Stevie Gomez saw the beginnings of what would one day become the most legendary snap-fighter in the school's 46-year history.
"This one time," recalled Gomez, "he made four different kids cry in the same day. And it wasn't like Dirk was a scary kid or anything. He's kinda' chubby, maybe five-two, and was still really into Disney at the time. So just imagine having a little Asian kid wearing a Winnie the Pooh turtleneck tell you that 'You're so fat, when your mamma was having you, the doctor dangled a package of Twinkies outside your her cooter so that you'd come out faster.' It'll mess you up inside."
Gomez, waxing reflective, then added, "It was hella-masterful."
Soh, an eighth-grader, had shown telltale signs of slippage leading up to Friday's incidient, according to teachers, classmates, and other close associates.
Said Soh's best friend, eighth-grader Timmy Brendt, "Ever since he started going out with Ape-face (seventh-grader Nancy DeSilvo), he's been kinda' boring to be around and kinda' unfunny, too - and I think it's really affected the quality of his put-downs."
When asked to expand on the nature of Soh and DeSalvo's relationship, Brendt shook his head in dismay. "I have no idea, and I don't get it. They just sit there and smile at each other all lunch period."
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