Teachers' Salaries to be Paid in Compliments, Well-Wishing, Firm Handshakes

In an effort to avert a systemic slash and burn of public education funding - and amidst the deepest economic recession in nearly half a century - California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced yesterday, at an emergency press conference in Sacramento, that the California School Boards Association would employ the country's first ever non-monetary pay scale for public school teachers. 

The new pay scale, which takes effect on the first of the new year, will mandate that all California K-12 public school teachers be paid in a salary consisting of compliments and words of encouragement - as opposed to the current mode of teacher compensation: small sums of money, gnome keychains, holiday candy baggies, coffee cake slabs, and discount coupons to Waldenbooks. 

Schwarzenegger, flanked by an eclectic coalition of state legislators, district superintendents, school board officials, and representatives from the California State Teacher's Association, assured a leery public that the drastic measure of eliminating monetary payment for teachers is necessary at a time when public schools are also struggling to fiscally address the issues of flagging student academic performance, overcrowded classrooms, and skyrocketing dropout rates. 

Currently, California has the fourth highest high school dropout rate in the nation, trailing only Kentucky, Alabama, and Mississippi. Moreover, the Los Angeles Unified School District has the third highest teacher turnover rate in greater North America, behind Tijuana Unified in Baja California and Frozen Tundra Rural Sheet 16 Unified in Nelson Forks, British Columbia.

"We are at a crises point in public education right now," said Jack O'Connell, Superintendent of Public Education. "We've been struggling for literally hours trying to find an acceptable solution to this pressing issue and, quite frankly, we ultimately found ourselves limited to two options: Completely overhaul the method of teacher compensation, or replace all credentialed teachers with furloughed inmates." After some intense wrangling and arm-twisting, Schwarzenegger convinced state lawmakers to chose the former. 

The Inmate-to-Teacher program cited by O'Connell, more commonly referred to as ITT, has been piloted at several Northern California public schools recently, with somewhat inconclusive results. Said a dismayed Bob Santos, Head Principal of San Jose's Kennedy Senior High School, "They pulled the plug on the program far too soon. I think that, overall, ITT had some real potential; and things had actually been going exceptionally well here until members of our new English faculty shanked my secretary in the sternum and sold me for a carton of Kools." 

The state's new plan calls for teachers to be compensated on a per-compliment basis, with the strongest teachers garnering the most effusive praise. 

For example, compliments such as "How do you do it?" "It's people like you that remind me that teachers belong next to angels in heaven," "That's so brave," and "What you're doing is...I just know I couldn't do it" will be reserved for teachers whose students make the greatest leap in test scores. Second-tier teachers, whose students show moderate academic improvement, will receive slightly less fawning compliments, such as "We need people like you," "Keep fighting the good fight," and "Just remember: You're doing a very good thing."

On the other hand, teachers whose students show no quantitative academic improvement will be plucked in the crotch by each member of their local school board, strapped naked to a metal folding chair that's been chilled to 12 degrees Fahrenheit, and forced to watch "Dangerous Minds" on a loop for 72 consecutive hours while subsisting on a diet of lamb broth and Powerade. 

Finally, teachers whose students display severe academic regression will be summarily promoted to the school board, at which point they will be considered for the position of district superintendent.

Despite its fiscal benefits to the state, however, the new compensation program comes with a raft of pressing questions and possible conflicts. Most conspicuously, critics are left to wonder how teachers will pay for bare necessities such as food, rent, clothing, and electricity.

Officials such as O'Connell and Schwarzenegger, have suggested night jobs such as bartending or custodial work to help pay bills.

Nancy McDowell, a veteran second-grade teacher, has devised a strategy to recoup some - if not most -of her financial losses.

"Whoring," said the 41-year-old from Anaheim, California. "I saw this thing coming a mile away, so I've already been going at it for three, four months now." 

McDowell added that most of her customers are "sort of on the mid-to-lower end of the totem pole," and that unemployed vacuum salesmen, uncircumsized longshoremen, and the occasional Mormon church leader comprise the lion's share of her customers. "Not that I'm complaining," she said.

"I'm 41 with four kids, so let's just say things aren't as upscale down there as one might like them to be," McDowell added, rapidly air-circling her crotch region with her index finger.

In addition to teachers' salaries being supplanted by compliments and words of encouragement, their benefits packages - long a source of envy among many U.S. workers - will additionally be replaced by hearty handshakes and brief but firm pats on the shoulder or back, followed by any one of the following comments: "Way to go, big chief," You're a horse - a real thoroughbred," "Top Notch!" and "You rock!"

Said a dejected but fidgety 6th-grade teacher at a San Fernando Valley middle school, who requested that his name be omitted from this article, "I've found that these compliments aren't an especially marketable commodity beyond my school site. Fact is, when I told my dope dealer he's 'Top Notch" instead of giving him the usual payment of a moist ball of small bills, he snuffed a cigarette out on my cheek and called me a big white jiz basket. So...no drugs."

According to O'Connell, the phrase "Big white jiz basket" has yet to be approved as a form of teacher compensation, although he did hint that it could eventually be adopted for use in more positive contexts, such as: "You're a pretty good teacher for a big white jiz bucket," or "Great job, big white jiz basket!"

Comments

[curlylml]

As a teacher I would take another hit in my salary with the lack of compliments. I might as well kep eating slabs of coffee cake at least it smells real nice.

[Barbara Halpern]

The wait to read creaky wheel was worth it. I'd compliment you on the cleverness, wit and just all out hysterical postings, but then, I may become part of the "Say for Pay" system youhave just described. And, like all banks these days, i don't have enough to go around!!! Thanks for your brilliance!!!