The New York Yankees stunned Major League Baseball's annual Winter Meetings this past week by announcing the signing of deceased Hall-of-Fame pitcher Warren Spahn's cryogenically frozen left arm to a 6-year $100 million contract. The storied franchise's acquisition of the meticulously preserved former great's pitching arm is perhaps its most stirring acquisition since their 1976 free-agent signing of controversial future Hall-of-Fame outfielder, Reggie Jackson.
"This is just awesome," said an uncharacteristically ecstatic Derek Jeter, the Yankees' team captain and perennial all-star shortstop. "We've been searching for an arm of this caliber ever since David Cone left back in 2002. This puts us right back in the thick of things for next season."
The acquisition of Spahn's dismembered appendage also marks a departure from the franchise's current philosophy, which has been exemplified in recent seasons by the team's renewed commitment to baseball's annual amateur draft, as well as its refusal to trade off young, promising players in its minor league farm system for high-priced veterans.
However, Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman, the putative architect of the team's youth movement, has encountered mixed results and, consequently, has endured scathing criticism from fans, the voracious New York sports media, and his employers, the Steinbrenner family.
"Last year," said Cashman, "I turned down the chance to get the best pitcher in baseball (Johan Santana) in exchange for a bunch of our young prospects who turned out to be not so good. Hence, the Lowjack." Cashman gestured to a conspicuous clamp on his right ankle. "Now, if I stray more than a hundred feet from either of the Steinbrenner brothers, this thing releases a massive dose of skin-permeating cyanide into my bloodstream."
"So now, they play this thing called 'Ditch Cash,'" continued Cashman, describing a game wherein the Steinbrenners weave their Ferrari Testarossa through mid-town traffic while Cashman, with his anklet activated, is forced to keep up in his 1984 Nissan Stanza. Said Cashman, "I really love my job, but I totally fucking hate that game."
On Thursday, the Steinbrenners pressured Cashman to deviate from his vision, and he acquiesced. "When we heard that Spahn's arm was not only available, but that it had also maintained most of its structural integrity, we just couldn't pass it up. Also, our team of biomechanics from HVCC ran a panel of tests and assured Hal, Hank, and myself that the arm is sound enough to endure the rigors of a 200-plus inning season. Add all this to the fact that we didn't have to give up Phil Hughes, and the deal was a no-brainer."
Said Yankees manager Joe Girardi, "I cannot tell you in words how thrilled we are right now to have Spahnny's arm as part of our pitching staff, going forward. Any time you can add a first-ballot Hall-of-Famer's arm - whether alive or dead - to your roster without giving up any key prospects, it's just a tremendous blessing."
Spahn, whose 21-year major league career included a Cy Young award and 17 all-star appearances,retired from baseball in 1965. He won 363 games and is considered by many to be one of the greatest southpaw pitchers in the history of the game.
The former Hall-of-Fame pitcher's arm was immediately detached from his shoulder socket and placed atop a valor pillow within a cryogenic chamber, per his request, upon his expiration in 2003.
Girardi was guardedly optimistic when asked to predict how Spahn's arm might perform over the duration of the new contract.
"I think it'll be fine," he said. "I guess if there's a possible downside it would be that all blood and living tissue has been absent from the appendage for about five years. So there might be some wear and tear or ligament issues down the road. Also, I'm still not one hundred percent sold on the concept of an arm being able to pitch a baseball without a live human body attached. I guess we'll just have to wait and see."
Girardi also cautioned against placing unrealistic expectations on the arm in its first stint as a New York Yankee.
"Granted, just like with any other acquisition, there's going to be a period of adjustment. I had to deal with it in '95 - and let's not forget Tino Martinez, who was booed in his first game here and ended up becoming a folk hero. There will be some bumps in the road, but New York loves an underdog. And you know what else? If that arm pitches like we all know it's capable of, I wouldn't be surprised if, in a few years, we have another Yankeeography on our hands."
Said Cashman, "It's no secret, but for the past several seasons, our lack of frontline starting pitching has really hindered our chances of advancing deep into the postseason. So, needless to say, our strategy this offseason will be to stockpile quality arms. If that means grossly overbidding for players that most sane teams shy away from, fucking-a awesome; if it means exhuming and re-animating the corpses of all-time-greats, so be it." And with that, Cashman's eyes grew wide and crazed. He inhaled deeply and shouted, "Can you smell it? Smells like late-autumn baseball, doesn't it? Frontline power pitching! Yeah! HELLS YEAH! WHOOOPEEE!"
But moments after the acquisition was announced, Cashman's strategy was derided by fellow general managers throughout baseball.
"This is gratuitous - yet another case of the rich getting richer," said Milwaukee Brewers General Manager, Dan O'Brien. "The fact of the matter is, very few teams in baseball can afford to give a nine-figure contract to an arm from a dead Hall-of-Fame pitcher. And it says a lot about the state of baseball that the smaller market franchises are going to be left pursuing lesser body parts."
O'Brien's harsh words proved prophetic as the Pittsburgh Pirates - one of the league's poorest teams - were working to acquire former troubled all-star Daryl Strawberry's feet for a $200 flat rate. Strawberry, though still alive, says he is willing to have both of his feet amputated in exchange for what he referred to as "ho funds."
Said ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons, "Pittsburgh's likely acquisition of Strawberry's feet could prove auspicious for the struggling American League club, which finished next to last in successful stolen base attempts in 2008."
Spahn's family members, though initially hesitant about agreeing to a contract with the Yankees, said they were as much impressed by Cashman's demeanor and deference as they were overwhelmed by the enormity of the contract offer. Said Spahn's eldest grandaughter, Sally Spahn-Silverstein, "He flew out here in the middle of the night, in a driving rain storm, and met with us and the arm in Grandpa Warren's great room and assured everyone that New York would be the perfect fit. And then, after all of us went to bed, he just sat with the are all night long until dawn, singing hymnals to it and caressing its glass casing."
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