Stunned Hamas leaders began to question their instigation of Israeli hostilities this week as a vicious assault by the Israeli air force rained bombs upon predominantly Palestinian portions of the Northern Gaza territory.
Said senior Hamas leader Nizar Rayaan, "When we were indiscriminately launching bombs into Southern Israel from Gaza, we had no idea they'd get so mad. I mean, we're talking Jews here. Jews. You know - Seinfeld, Corey Feldman, Ian Ziering, Pauly Shore, Fonzi. This broiling fury and pointed vengeance is somewhat of a departure from how we've come to perceive them."
Unfortunately for Hamas and their war strategy, many of their perceptions of Jews have roots in popular media portrayals.
Said Alil Aziz, a senior Hamas official, "When we're not arbitrarily launching mortar rounds into neighboring countries; inciting anti-semitic, maniacal, flag-burning mobs; or convincing marginally retarded, disenfranchised young men to blow themselves up in the name of Allah, we actually spend much of our downtime watching American movies and TV. Don't believe me?" Aziz then turned to a young Hamas soldier nearby and shouted, "Farhaz, TV American!"
The soldier immediately responded, shouting back, "Simon Cowell! Gossip Girl! I'm a PC! Pam and Jim! Ab Lounge!"
Aziz continued. "So, naturally, when we heard the Israelis had had enough of us, we were like, 'Ooooh, brace yourselves, everybody: Here comes the Gary Shandling batallion! And then, after we're all softened up from the endless mincing and shrill whining, maybe they'll send in Ross from "Friends" to whimper us to death!" Aziz then sighed deeply to himself. "No, but seriously: we're getting our asses kicked."
"The Israelis have always talked a tough game," added Aziz. "But who knew they could actually back it up? I mean, granted, they supposedly have this compulsory military service, and, yeah, their defense forces are bankrolled by the U.S.; but they're Jews. No matter how many times somebody tells me how terrifyingly well-disciplined their military is, I just can't stop picturing that at least some of those fighter jets will be piloted by guys who, to some extent, resemble Mr. Kotter."
Indeed, Israel's defense forces rank among the world's elite. But this reality has done little to combat the perception among many of its adversaries of a military populated by scores of whiney, helpless nebishes who shrink away from all things associated with gentiles.
Said Avi Goldman, a First Lieutenant in the Sayeret Shaldag, Israel's elite Air Force Commando unit, "I have a third-degree black belt in Taekwondo, I can swim 100 meters under water without taking a breath, and I once killed four Hezbollah operatives by whistling the theme from "The Golden Girls" at 200 decibels. But when my captors tied up, do you know what they did? They restricted my entire diet to Hellmann's and Wonderbread sandwiches and then forced me to dye Easter eggs for six consecutive hours."
Goldman added that one of his captors, posing as a close personal associate, also called his mother to inform her that her son had "just gone antiquing with the most amazing woman from his new Christian Bible study class." Said Goldman, "Ima still won't return any of my calls. No doubt she would've preferred that I'd been waterboarded."
Ehud Mayer, a private in the Israeli navy, who was held as a prisoner of combat for 72 hours by a covert Hezbollah guerilla force, confirmed many of Goldman's statements and added that he's "tired of being treated like Costanza's dirty little stepson" by non-Jewish adversaries. "Let's see," said Mayer, "The one time I was held captive by Hezbollah operatives, they threatened to call and tell my therapist that I was 'displacing my anger;' and then they threatened to confiscate my Flonase. And now that I'm sitting here, looking back on all this, I just want to know one thing: What the fuck's a Flonase?"
Mayer and others said their experiences have left profound psychological scars. "Sometimes I wonder if I would've been better off had they just tasered my balls for three straight days," said Mayer.
To Hamas' credit, its leaders have begun to take notice, reconfiguring military strategies that now account for an enemy that is considerably more potent than the one depicted on 90s sitcoms and in Mel Brooks films.
When asked about specific details pertaining to these strategies, Ali Rafmahara, another high-ranking Hamas official, was curt but forthcoming. "Right now, to get a sense of what we're really up against, we're showing all of our Hamas brothers "Munich" on a loop. And all I have to say is Eric...fucking... Bana. Holy shit."
Said Mahmoud Zahar, one of the original founders of the Hamas organization, "The reality - and you really have no idea how much it pains me to say this - is that these guys are a bunch of straight-up bad-asses. They come in with their M-16's blazing, killing everything in sight - and I mean everything. And I'm telling you, these lunatics would fire a Tomahawk missile at a unicorn with a trail map attached to its horn leading to the lost city of multiple orgasms if it were being kept in an enemy hideout." He then concluded, "The bottom line is, they're flat-out batshit insane. And, I remind you, this is coming from me - a guy who thinks that curling up with an ignited molotov cocktail dipped in nitrous oxide is the quickest way of hooking up with tons and tons of hot, young ass."
Said Rafmahara, "Granted, we really dropped the ball on this one. But, I'm sure cooler heads will eventually prevail on both sides of this conflict. Anyway, what's the worst that could happen? "
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