Hanukkah Gelt Surpasses U.S. Dollar in Value

As U.S. financial markets continued to reel amidst the worst economic recession in more than half a century, the value of the U.S. dollar plummeted to a twenty-year low, erasing any doubts as to the severity of the current financial crisis. 

By the time the New York Stock exchange's closing bell sounded Thursday evening, the already battered U.S. dollar's value had tumbled beneath the Mexican peso, the Azerbaijani manat, the Afghan afghani, the Buhtanese ngultrum, the Malawian kwacha, and the Mongolian togrog, an Asian currency that is branded into the dessicated carcasses of mountain muskrat and then traded for goods such as skins, furs, textiles, and virgins with all of their limbs still intact.

Making matters worse, and exacerbating fears of a full-scale economic meltdown, the dollar was even surpassed in value on Thursday by Hanukkah gelt - faux gold coins that encase a holiday treat of circular, bite-size milk chocolate candies which await Jewish boys and girls on Hanukkah evenings. 

The inauspicious development created an uproar among traders, financial analysts, and lawmakers - especially those adhering to the Jewish faith.

Said Independent Connecticut Senator Joseph I. Lieberman, "That the value of the dollar is being surpassed by Hanukkah gelt is an incredibly ominous development for world financial markets. And the fact that gelt's not actual currency is probably an even bigger red flag. In fact, you have to understand that literally nothing is more worthless than Hanukkah gelt. It's ugly, it's stereotypical of Jewish parsimony, and the chocolate inside each foil coin tastes like dirty penis dipped in NutraSweet - at least, that's what I'm told."

"Every Jew worth his salt shudders at the mere thought of Hannukah gelt," said Joshua Goldberg, a senior trader with J.P. Morgan and Co. "For us, it's inextricably linked to the first night of Hanukkah, a night synonymous with dashed expectations."

According to custom, the first night of Hanukkah is generally reserved for prayer, reflection, and the re-telling of the Maccabes consecrated oil that miraculously lasted for eight consecutive days. Consequently, on these nights, gift exchanges are typically modest and are often limited to token items such as puzzles, school supplies, dreidels or the much maligned kosher gelt - often to the chagrin of Jewish children. 

Said Goldberg, "Non-Jews have a misperception about Hanukkah, that it's this frenzied effusion of lavish presents for eight consecutive nights. But it never seems to work out that way. At the very least, the first three nights are complete throw-aways: We're talking tube socks, Fruit of the Loom white cotton briefs, troll dolls, or, if things get really crazy, travel board games."

"Travel Yahtzee," groaned current U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. My parents got me that for the first night of Hanukkah when I was about ten. To make matters worse, the next year I got gelt along with Travel Hungry Hipppos." Moments later, an embittered Geithner mumbled, "Ghetto."

"Just to clarify," continued Geithner, "The gelt, yeah, whatever, it was a gift from my grandma, and I sold it to my little sister for a pair of Kerbangers  and her "I've Got the Power" cassingle. But Travel Hungry Hippos? Seriously? It came with four balls roughly the size of b.b.'s, all of which mysteriously vanished upon opening the package. They should've just called it Four Hippos That Will Die of Fucking Starvation, because that's all it was after about three seconds."

Being a man of God, I probably shouldn't say this," said Rabbi Avi Finkleberg of New York's Yeshiva University. "But these people with the complaining about the Yahtzee and the gelt and the keychains are, well, let's be honest: pussies. You can't possibly claim to know pre-adolescent Jewish misery until you get a tube of Goldbond anti-fungal cream and a coupon for Kix on the first night. It's a miracle I didn't switch over to J.C.'s team right then and there." 

Addressing the media in a Thursday morning press briefing, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke claimed emergency measures were already underway that would hopefully avert a total collapse of the U.S. monetary system. "On Friday, I will meet with President Obama and Secretary Geithner, with the intention of establishing a new, more stable form of currency to replace the dollar." Bernanke added that the new currency would "more than likely involve some combination of beans, matchsticks, friendship bracelets, and nudie playing cards." 

Comments

[Carole]

I am appalled at the bias and prejudice associated with traditional Hanukkah gelt in this essay, but more importantly, the un-Christian sentiment. There are children running around sockless in Katmandu who would kill for a small sweet to quell their hunger or a Bic pen to write with at school...oops, there are no schools...not for girls, anyway.

[Barbara Halpern]

I tried not to laugh out loud. IMPOSSIBLE, I was hysterical after two paragraphs. What did sober me up was that after Valentine's Day we clear out the Hanukah and Christmass candy. I just threw away 3 packages of Hanukah gelt. I could have afforded a new purse with that, had I known. Goes to show you. I have to tune in sooner! Love this so much!