A 48-year-old Chatsworth man, identified as Raymond Swittle, was seen driving a 1984 Chevy Chevelle covered in an array of startlingly mismatched bumper stickers in North Hollywood on Wednesday.
According to one eyewitness, Swittle's array of bumper stickers displayed sayings, campaign slogans, and quotes that span the political, religious, and social spectrum and that "showed an almost nauseating lack of unity."
Said Gregory Jimenez, a systems analyst for nearby Northrop Grumman, "There are just some things in this life that you want to be able to rely on. Things like loyal friends, a steady job, the change of seasons, and, well, the occasional crazy loner lurking around in a rusted-out hooptie with a bunch of angry, right-wing propaganda plastered all over his back bumper. But this was different - in a bad way."
Then, after crossing himself, Jimenez added, "He (Swittle) had everything from a Trixter tour sticker to a 'There's a Village in Texas Missing its Idiot' sticker to an 'I Shot J.R.,' to a 'Bush-Quayle '94.' You can tell the guy's put a lot of time and energy into purchasing and applying all those things over the years. But, to tell you the truth, the absence of a common theme among them is chilling."
Sadly, Jimenez wasn't the only onlooker adversely impacted by Swittle's display.
According to police reports, a 76-year-old bystander was so shaken by the Chevelle's panoply of disharmonious bumper stickers that she collapsed moments after exposure. Repeated attempts to revive the elderly woman at the scene proved unsuccessful.
Said fellow bystander Sherry Wilkes of nearby Toluca Lake, "There we were, standing at the crosswalk, just minding our own business. And then that old infernal heap crept past us, into the intersection; I think that poor woman caught a glimpse of the 'Keep Your Laws off My Body' juxtaposed against a '68 and I Owe You One' and it was probably too much for her old, frail body to take." A somber Wilkes then added,"No one can be expected to process that level of Kafka-esqe discontinuity at one time."
Police arrived at the scene moments after the fatal incident but were unsure as to whether they could have grounds to pursue Swittle.
"You know, people think cops have it nice and easy, with our guaranteed salaries, and our pensions," said LAPD Officer Bobby Sewell, "With our blue wall of silence and our binge drinking; with our wife-beating, our adult-onset diabetes and our collection of hookers purchased with confiscated crack bust cash. But this here's a perfect example of how cops are walking a razor's edge every single day. I mean, this guy's obviously extremely dangerous - and he's at large. But there's nothing in the book that says you can pursue and arrest a guy just because he has a 'Jesus is My Anti-Drug' and a 'Certified Muff Diver' sticker on the same car."
Legal scholars are divided as to whether or not a mixture of bumper stickers that includes "Cha-Ching, Baby!" "Adam and Eve, NOT Adam and Steve," "One Nation, Under Surveillance," and "Don't Go There!" constitutes a deadly weapon.
"It's clear that there's some ambiguity here as to what caused this poor woman's death," said Israel "Laredo" Ortega, a personal injury lawyer with Legal Eagles Notary, Attorneys at Law, Bail Bonds, and Pawn in Pomona, California. "What is clear is that her family is going to need a legal professional that is knowledgeable, experienced, and within mere days of being reinstated as a fully-licensed attorney."
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