President Barack Obama stumped in several key states this past week and appeared in his first televised news conference to promote the passage of an economic stimulus package that may ultimately exceed $800 billion. The plan is said to include several key provisions that would funnel immediate assistance to struggling consumers.
In a town hall format, the president, addressing a throng of anxious Floridians alongside Republican Governor Charles Crist Jr., struck a measured but resolute tone in outlining some of the ways in which the proposed stimulus package could bolster the flagging economy. "If passed immediately," said Obama, "this package could very well save up to 4 million U.S. jobs and help countless individuals to avert financial ruin. How? For one thing, providing this bill passes, each one of you will be receiving a tax rebate of up to 400 dollars effective almost immediately."
When pressed by an unemployed carpenter in the audience as to when individuals should expect their relief checks, Obama first complimented the man on his airbrushed Kirk Cameron tanktop and then explained that the tax rebates would not be mailed to individuals in lump sums as in years past. "Even better than that," Obama said, "is that you will get your tax relief every single week. And for how much?" Obama then coughed into his hand while apparently - according to several bystanders - muttering something to the effect of "Eight dollars."
As the crowd grew restless, Obama continued. "So wow - how's that for a recession buster? I mean, who wants one lump check for 400 bones when you can get a little at a time - all throughout the year? I'm really, really excited for you guys. I mean it." Then, before yielding the stage to Crist, Obama added, "American citizens: You wanted an agent of change, and you've got one. Si se puede!"
Additionally, Obama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs indicated that a tentative provision in the pending legislation would provide married couples with a combined $16.00 a week in tax relief. Married couples with two or more children would receive the allotted amount of $16.00, along with one trial-size bottle of Sunny Delight, a post-expiration box of Fruit Roll-Ups, and a Body by Jake "Buttisimo Bellisimo" VHS workout tape from 1989.
Said Gibbs, "In addition to fiscal responsibility, the President is also a staunch believer in health and wellness. The Fruit Roll-Up provision exemplifies the president's enduring dedication to the fitness and longevity of this nation's big-bodied youth."
Gay male couples would also receive immediate assistance, in the form of discount store coupons to Express for Men.
"Really? Express for Men?" complained Ray Morrow, a law student from Walnut Creek, California. "Maybe if I were Joey Lawrence I'd be in full-on celebration mode right now. But I'm not. Because unless you're way into spandex and rayon - in which case you have far bigger problems than this financial crisis - Express for Men has nothing going on for you." A frustrated Morrow later added, "God, when are people going to learn: we're gay - not Persian!"
Morrow's live-in companion, Nathan Beels, agreed. "Yeah, I'd never shop at Express for Men. Ever. That place is fucking gay."
Gibbs acknowledged the seismic outcry from the homosexual community over the Express coupons and said that, as of Friday night, Congressional Democrats were collaborating on an alternative provision for gays in the form of four-second Restoration Hardware shopping sprees.
Lesbian couples with household incomes below $100 thousand will also receive much needed aid in the form of new P.E. whistles, along with vouchers for a two-for-one Wash 'n Style at all participating Supercuts stores.
Obama's tax relief plan stems from some economists' findings that individuals are more likely to spend money when it is disbursed in smaller amounts and at consistent intervals. Said Millings Foster, an analyst at the auditing house of Deloitte Touche Tomatsu, "This is an exceptional move going forward for both the Obama administration and for the U.S. economy, as there are an array of things an individual can do with an additional eight dollars of income a week."
When asked what he'd do with an extra eight dollars a week in buying power, Ray Thompson, a sales executive from Racine, Wisconsin said, "If it's eight dollars, I probably won't notice it at all. So probably nothing."
When apprised of this, Foster adamantly disagreed. "He's lying. according to all reported data, that man will buy something extra with the additional money, whether it's batteries, cough syrup, a snow shovel, or a back-alley hand job from a transvestite crack hooker. It's inevitable."
Pressed further, Thompson hung his head in defeat and mumbled, "Who told you about my tranny? WHO?"
An additional provision, insisted upon by House and Senate Democrats, would direct mortgage relief to besieged homeowners struggling to maintain their current payments. However, instead of receiving relief checks or an opportunity to refinance, homeowners on the verge of foreclosure will receive a mouse pad depicting playful kittens dangling from a bookshelf with a caption that reads "Hang in there!"
Said Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi, the Democratic Speaker of the House who is currently spearheading the mortgage relief legislation, "Never underestimate the power of positive thinking - and cute kitties."
And in an attempt to maintain a bipartisan tone in the opening weeks of his presidency, Obama has explicitly reached out to key Republicans to help shape the landmark legislation.
For example, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-Va) has collaborated with California House Republican David Dreier on a provision that would increase funding for abstinence-only programs in public schools and, more specifically, for a recently invented device dubbed the Crotch Cube. The large, electric blue foam block - fashioned by Supertech laboratories of Houston, Texas - fits snugly over the male genitalia and maintains an internal temperature of 52 degrees Fahrenheit, the "trigger" temperature at which male thoughts apparently begin to drift away from sexual intercourse and toward activities such as praying, making mayonaise sandwiches, and painting Civil War figurines.
It constantly amazes me how you know so much about the culture of the day, any and every day! Bodies by Jake. You were 15. Oh-Uh, stalking him...His hair, no doubt hooked you. You are fantastic. By the way, aren't fruit roll-ups stale from the get-go? I thought so. That makes them all the more appealing.
Posted by: Barbara Halpern | February 20, 2009 at 02:29 PM