Creaky Wheel

Optimistic Slogans, Closer Student Proximity to Textbooks, Firing Ambitious Teachers Improve Student Test Scores, Study Finds

The Pew Research Center released a study Friday that shows how failing public schools - whose students are frequently plagued by low literacy rates, behavioral problems, and severe learning disabilities - can in fact rebound from the brink of failure, providing they adopt a handful of key initiatives outlined by the organization's findings.

Perhaps the study's most provocative finding, however, reveals an indisputable link between public school students' test performance and their physical proximity to textbooks. In the study, held over the course of an entire school semester, 30 teenage students from John Burroughs High School in Burbank, California, were observed sitting no farther than two feet away from their respective Holt, Rinehart and Winston America, Americans, and Others textbooks in a U.S. Government classroom. The students were given specific instructions by their teacher "not to touch or handle your textbooks, under any circumstances, for three months - and to never bother me when my little tin drink bottle is out."

By the end of the study, most students' standardized test scores had skyrocketed. 

Said James Rakoff, the class' Government teacher - as well as a 22-year veteran of the Burbank Unified School District - "Naturally, as a man of knowledge, I was pretty skeptical of this study at first. But after about two months, I noticed a huge difference in everything from my students' behavior to their intellect. Quite frankly, I've never seen anything like it."

Rakoff, who is occasionally referred to good-naturedly by some of his students as Rakoff the Big, Fat, Fucking Jack-off, maintained that he had not altered his teaching style in any way throughout the study's duration "or for that matter, throughout the past twenty years." 

Added Rakoff, "If anything, when this study was going on, I taught less than in the past - which, in all honesty, I really didn't think was possible. For instance, on a normal school day, I take attendance and then pass out a packet of worksheets to each kid - if I even have enough to go around. And then, if I'm feeling super ambitious, maybe I'll throw in "Ice Age 2" at the end of class. Except, a few days into this study, I ended up having to take five weeks off to get my polyps drained." 

Records confirm that, during Rakoff's recovery, he was relieved by Ann Waxman, a 25-year-old first-year teacher from Walnut Creek, California. Waxman, who, after successively earning her MA in History from UC Berkley and serving two consecutive Peace Corps stints in Nairobi, Kenya, was summarily dismissed from her teaching assignment upon Rakoff's return. 

Said sophomore Tamara Shaw, "I love Ms. Waxman, and I think we're all a little sad to see her go. She made learning History actually kinda' fun for a change."

According to several other students, Waxman often integrated role-playing into her History lessons, "to increase the level of student interest, awareness and participation." 

Said Waxman, now manning the fryer at a Northridge, California Wienerschnitzel, "Trying to get teenagers interested in the process of congressional procedure can be a little tricky, so I had them go through the actual process, mock-proposing their own bills and amendments as would-be U.S. Representatives from both major parties would." 

After the process of Waxman's mock Congress was explained several times to Robert Watts, Burroughs' interim assistant principal, he grimaced quizzically, then said, "Okay, so I still don't get it: Are you telling me that students were out of their seats during the whole lesson?"

Watts continued. "Everyone knows that, when done right, high school History class is as dry as sun-baked feces. Here at Burroughs, we take the state curriculum standards very seriously. And if Ms. Waxman were in fact teaching to these standards instead of engaging her students in the learning process, we would know it, because after five weeks they'd have far more obscenities carved into the soft underbellies of their respective forearms." 

But on Friday, the focus was on Rakoff, his students, and a their miraculous academic transformation.

When asked to explain the effect of sitting in such close proximity to her History textbook, third-year sophomore Janet Lyons - who scored 34 points higher on the History portion of her California Standards Test - said, "Honestly, I've always hated history. And I still do. In the past, most of us just kept our books at home and eventually lost 'em or whatever. But it's weird: Just the thought of having your book a few feet away from you, you can kinda' sorta' feel the thingies - what are they? Facts? Yeah, you can feel yourself getting full on facts...When does Ms. Waxman come back?"   

Researchers from the study were impressed by the self-control of Rakoff's students. "A lot of credit for this study needs to go to these kids," said William Ainsworth, a professor of Linguistics at Cornell University who headed the research. "I mean, the amount of self-discipline and personal sacrifice it must take for a teenage kid to not touch his or her Civics textbook for an entire semester is something that most of us can't comprehend.

Another possible factor in the students' progress - though, according to experts, no less influential - was a change in the types of messages posted on the school's roadside marquis. Three weeks prior to the California Standards Test, a prime indicator in determining school-wide academic progress, Burroughs administrators altered the message on the marquis from "Burroughs High School: No Restroom Without a Pass" to "Burroughs High School: Can't Stop Us Now!"   

"There's no overstating the importance and impact of signage," said Watts who worked as a sales manager at Stryker Dodge and Chrysler of Bakersfield prior to his position with Burroughs. "The kids' response to these motivational quotes is just awesome, so I think we'll just continue on with it. Last week, we had something up there by M.L.K. Junior, and this week it's Muhammad Gandhi."

Indeed, students have been taking notice.

Barked an irascible Matthew Lopez to his classmate Jeremy Beeman as they entered their third-period Geometry class, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Gandhi said that, douchebag!" 

Selig to Suspend Rodriguez, Bonds, Cobb Retroactively

In an unprecedented move, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig announced Tuesday at a noon press conference that a collection of some of the game's biggest names - as well as its most publicized users of banned performance enhancing substances - would be suspended retroactive to their respective transgressions. 

The length of the current suspensions will vary, depending on the degree of each player's offense. As of late Friday, all-time home run king Barry Bonds was given a 3-year suspension, retroactive to 2006, when he was found to have applied a form of liquid human growth hormone to the surface of his skin. The hormone, known by many in the industry as "The Cream" or "The Clear" was later found to be unhelpful in aiding athletic performance while having the unintended side-effect, as one biochemist stated, "of turning users into unmitigated douchebags." Oakland A's slugger Jason Giambi will likewise receive a 5-year suspension, retroactive to his admission of PED use in 2004.

Said a contrite Giambi, on a conference call with members of the national press Tuesday evening, "I remain truly and sincerely sorry for that thing that I did at that time. I will always regret it." 

Alex Rodriguez, who recently conceded to a nationally televised audience that he was injected with steroids as an upstart slugger in 2003, will receive 6 years.

For the oft-maligned Rodriguez, a 6-year suspension means the perennial All-Star will be ineligible to compete in regular season games until the third of this April - which coincides with his team's opening game. Said a downtrodden Rodriguez, "With all due respect to Commissioner Selig's decision, 6 years seems pretty steep to me. On the other hand, I always keep in the best shape possible, so, sure, I can realistically see myself being physically ready to go for the '09 season opener after such a long layoff." 

Rodriguez then added, "Still, baseball's a mental game. It's the thinking man's chess. As a result, I think it might be tougher for a player like myself, who typically has to manage such high expectations, to psychologically handle the pressures of a 6-year make-believe layoff."

According to several prominent league sources, Rodriguez and his agent, Scott Boras, requested, in a closed-door meeting with Selig, that the future Hall-of-Famer be allowed to take his 2009 at-bats in an empty stadium, "at least until I feel psychologically prepared to play at the level I know I'm capable of in front of large stadium crowds," said Rodriguez. He then added, "But, you know, it's a process. So there's always a chance I might not be ready for live fans watching me until 2011 - at the earliest."

Rodriguez's request, however, was denied by Selig and the league office due primarily to logistical concerns. Said one league source, "Bud really did mull this A-Rod no-fans thing over for quite some time. But, in the end, removing as many as 55,000 patrons from a stadium four- to- five times each game could eventually get cumbersome and even quite dangerous."

Rodriguez's second request to take all of his official 2009 at-bats at Bat 'n Fun, a Miami, Florida batting cage and go-cart complex, was also denied. Rodriguez currently resides in the greater Miami area.

League sources also revealed Friday that the suspensions will not be limited to active and recently retired players. Former baseball greats Ty Cobb, Mickey Mantle, Steve Howe, Pete Rose, and Mike Schmidt will also receive lengthy suspensions for a range of infractions that go beyond banned PED usage.

Cobb, an avowed racist and anti-semite - who is also commonly referred to as the dirtiest player in the history of the game - will receive an eye-popping 700-year suspension from the league office, retroactive to his rookie season in 1905. 

"We simply cannot have a player of Ty Cobb's character - or should I say lack of character - representing this league on any level," said Selig. "Basically, this suspension ensures that Mr. Cobb won't be able to don a Major League Baseball uniform for another six centuries, which, if you ask me, is still far too soon." 

Cobb, who died in 1961, was enshrined in the National Baseball Hall of Fame in 1936, where his commemorative plaque currently reads: "Tyrus Raymond Cobb: At least he wasn't a rapist - as far as we know."

Cobb, notorious for a playing style that often breached the margins of baseball decorum, went down in baseball infamy when he ended the playing career of Peppy "Bologna Fingers" D'Amiglio in a 1917 pre-season spiking incident. D'Amiglio, a scrappy, up-and-coming catcher for the barnstorming Pittsburgh Bisons at the time, was pronounced dead three weeks later.

Said baseball historian Jack Millford, "The ballad of Bologna Fingers D'Amiglio is a truly tragic one. I mean, here was a guy - an incredibly talented young man - who died of massive blood loss simply because they didn't know how to address his injury at the time. I mean, don't forget, they didn't have things like band-aids or even butterfly stitches. And, as we all well know, regular stitches had yet to be invented."

When informed by a reporter that each of those aids had been available at the time, Millford said, "Oh."

According to D'Amiglio's death certificate, the actual cause of the ballplayer's death states "Rampant Chlamydia."

Schmidt, who holds the all-time record for home runs slugged by a third-baseman, will also receive what will amount to a lifetime ban for his "egregious behavior" during his retirement press conference  at the conclusion of the 1989 season, in which the former slugger sobbed uncontrollably, alternately biting into his bottom lip and squealing incoherently. Ultimately, the Hall-of-Famer staggered away from the podium, mid-sentence, and wandered around aimlessly - with his hands thrust deep inside his pockets - until he was removed from the scene by several close associates.  

Said Selig, referring to Schmidt's antics, "Mike was a class act on the field, but that spectacle might've been the biggest heaping plate of puss that I've ever seen. And, remember, this is coming from me - a guy who still checks beneath his urine-soaked sheets every night to make sure Freddy and The Candyman aren't there."  

Schmidt, however, has gained a resurgence of notoriety in recent years, as footage of his infamous press conference is currently used throughout the medical community to help cure heterosexual women suffering from severe bouts of nymphomania. 

Schmidt has also been showcased in a recent line of sports figurines produced by McFarlane Toys entitled "Sports' Greatest Cryers." Included in the set's first series alongside a balling, disoriented Schmidt are in-action crying poses of former boxer Oliver McCall, former NFL head coach Dick Vermeil, current Los Angeles Dodgers manager Joe Torre, former tennis great Andre Agassi, and former Miami of Ohio basketball star Adam Morrison. 

Skeptics have already begun to criticize the efficacy of Selig's series of retroactive suspensions. Said Keith Law, a baseball writer for ESPN, "Am I the only one here who's noticed that not one of these players will be missing a single moment of game of action or losing a single paycheck due to these suspensions? I mean, seriously, what's the downside here?"

According to Selig, the suspensions will actually present "tremendous downside" to the offending players. In explaining this, the commissioner indicated that, although suspended players will not actually have to forfeit any of their pay, accumulated statistics, or awards, they will nonetheless be subject to "ridicule, scorn, incessant eye-rolling and a flood of sarcastic sighs."

Selig then added, "If and when these players come back from their suspensions, they should also know that a stern talking to will not be out of the question."