Creaky Wheel: Selig to Suspend Rodriguez, Bonds, Cobb Retroactively

In an unprecedented move, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig announced Tuesday at a noon press conference that a collection of some of the game's biggest names - as well as its most publicized users of banned performance enhancing substances - would be suspended retroactive to their respective transgressions.

The length of the current suspensions will vary, depending on the degree of each player's offense. As of late Friday, all-time home run king Barry Bonds was given a 3-year suspension, retroactive to 2006, when he was found to have applied a form of liquid human growth hormone to the surface of his skin. The hormone, known by many in the industry as "The Cream" or "The Clear" was later found to be unhelpful in aiding athletic performance while having the unintended side-effect, as one biochemist stated, "of turning users into unmitigated douchebags." Oakland A's slugger Jason Giambi will likewise receive a 5-year suspension, retroactive to his admission of PED use in 2004.

Said a contrite Giambi, on a conference call with members of the national press Tuesday evening, "I remain truly and sincerely sorry for that thing that I did at that time. I will always regret it."

Alex Rodriguez, who recently conceded to a nationally televised audience that he was injected with steroids as an upstart slugger in 2003, will receive 6 years.

For the oft-maligned Rodriguez, a 6-year suspension means the perennial All-Star will be ineligible to compete in regular season games until the third of this April - which coincides with his team's opening game. Said a downtrodden Rodriguez, "With all due respect to Commissioner Selig's decision, 6 years seems pretty steep to me. On the other hand, I always keep in the best shape possible, so, sure, I can realistically see myself being physically ready to go for the '09 season opener after such a long layoff."

Rodriguez then added, "Still, baseball's a mental game. It's the thinking man's chess. As a result, I think it might be tougher for a player like myself, who typically has to manage such high expectations, to psychologically handle the pressures of a 6-year make-believe layoff."

According to several prominent league sources, Rodriguez and his agent, Scott Boras, requested, in a closed-door meeting with Selig, that the future Hall-of-Famer be allowed to take his 2009 at-bats in an empty stadium, "at least until I feel psychologically prepared to play at the level I know I'm capable of in front of large stadium crowds," said Rodriguez. He then added, "But, you know, it's a process. So there's always a chance I might not be ready for live fans watching me until 2011 - at the earliest."

Rodriguez's request, however, was denied by Selig and the league office due primarily to logistical concerns. Said one league source, "Bud really did mull this A-Rod no-fans thing over for quite some time. But, in the end, removing as many as 55,000 patrons from a stadium four- to- five times each game could eventually get cumbersome and even quite dangerous."

Rodriguez's second request to take all of his official 2009 at-bats at Bat 'n Fun, a Miami, Florida batting cage and go-cart complex, was also denied. Rodriguez currently resides in the greater Miami area.

League sources also revealed Friday that the suspensions will not be limited to active and recently retired players. Former baseball greats Ty Cobb, Mickey Mantle, Steve Howe, Pete Rose, and Mike Schmidt will also receive lengthy suspensions for a range of infractions that go beyond banned PED usage.

Cobb, an avowed racist and anti-semite - who is also commonly referred to as the dirtiest player in the history of the game - will receive an eye-popping 700-year suspension from the league office, retroactive to his rookie season in 1905.

"We simply cannot have a player of Ty Cobb's character - or should I say lack of character - representing this league on any level," said Selig. "Basically, this suspension ensures that Mr. Cobb won't be able to don a Major League Baseball uniform for another six centuries, which, if you ask me, is still far too soon."

Cobb, who died in 1961, was enshrined in the National Baseball Hall of Fame in 1936, where his commemorative plaque currently reads: "Tyrus Raymond Cobb: At least he wasn't a rapist - as far as we know."

Cobb, notorious for a playing style that often breached the margins of baseball decorum, went down in baseball infamy when he ended the playing career of Peppy "Bologna Fingers" D'Amiglio in a 1917 pre-season spiking incident. D'Amiglio, a scrappy, up-and-coming catcher for the barnstorming Pittsburgh Bisons at the time, was pronounced dead three weeks later.

Said baseball historian Jack Millford, "The ballad of Bologna Fingers D'Amiglio is a truly tragic one. I mean, here was a guy - an incredibly talented young man - who died of massive blood loss simply because they didn't know how to address his injury at the time. I mean, don't forget, they didn't have things like band-aids or even butterfly stitches. And, as we all well know, regular stitches had yet to be invented."

When informed by a reporter that each of those aids had been available at the time, Millford said, "Oh."

According to D'Amiglio's death certificate, the actual cause of the ballplayer's death states "Rampant Chlamydia."

Schmidt, who holds the all-time record for home runs slugged by a third-baseman, will also receive what will amount to a lifetime ban for his "egregious behavior" during his retirement press conference at the conclusion of the 1989 season, in which the former slugger sobbed uncontrollably, alternately biting into his bottom lip and squealing incoherently. Ultimately, the Hall-of-Famer staggered away from the podium, mid-sentence, and wandered around aimlessly - with his hands thrust deep inside his pockets - until he was removed from the scene by several close associates.

Said Selig, referring to Schmidt's antics, "Mike was a class act on the field, but that spectacle might've been the biggest heaping plate of puss that I've ever seen. And, remember, this is coming from me - a guy who still checks beneath his urine-soaked sheets every night to make sure Freddy and The Candyman aren't there."

Schmidt, however, has gained a resurgence of notoriety in recent years, as footage of his infamous press conference is currently used throughout the medical community to help cure heterosexual women suffering from severe bouts of nymphomania.

Schmidt has also been showcased in a recent line of sports figurines produced by McFarlane Toys entitled "Sports' Greatest Cryers." Included in the set's first series alongside a balling, disoriented Schmidt are in-action crying poses of former boxer Oliver McCall, former NFL head coach Dick Vermeil, current Los Angeles Dodgers manager Joe Torre, former tennis great Andre Agassi, and former Miami of Ohio basketball star Adam Morrison.

Skeptics have already begun to criticize the efficacy of Selig's series of retroactive suspensions. Said Keith Law, a baseball writer for ESPN, "Am I the only one here who's noticed that not one of these players will be missing a single moment of game of action or losing a single paycheck due to these suspensions? I mean, seriously, what's the downside here?"

According to Selig, the suspensions will actually present "tremendous downside" to the offending players. In explaining this, the commissioner indicated that, although suspended players will not actually have to forfeit any of their pay, accumulated statistics, or awards, they will nonetheless be subject to "ridicule, scorn, incessant eye-rolling and a flood of sarcastic sighs."

Selig then added, "If and when these players come back from their suspensions, they should also know that a stern talking to will not be out of the question."

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