Creaky Wheel

Average-Looking Women Still Able to Carry a Tune, Study Finds

Spokespersons for a panel of prominent scientific bodies, including the Carnegie Institution for Science, the American Society for Cell Biology; the International Congress of Human Genetics; and NASA, announced Tuesday that the ability to sing a song on-key is not necessarily limited to beautiful women who are in their late-teens and early twenties. 

The results of the groundbreaking study, to be published in this week's New England Journal of Medicine, follow decades of painstaking research by some of the most revered scientific minds in the world - and has already begun to roil music industry executives, pop music icons, and members of the national media. 

Infinity Management International, a premier Hollywood talent agency, which represents pop music giants Christina Aguilera, Rihanna, Britney Spears, Nelly Furtado, and Avril Lavigne, released a terse statement to the media late-Tuesday, through spokesperson Sam Anders. Said Anders, "Just...um...be careful what you wish for."

Dr. Branson Forster, a professor of genetics at Cornell University, as well as a lead researcher in the painstaking 28-year study said, "When we were collecting some of our preliminary data, back in the early 80's, we knew then and there just how controversial our findings would be perceived, how damning the data would be to the music industry as a whole and, most significantly, how damaging it would be to our nation's long-held conviction that the only possible way a sane person can sit through a song like "Fergalicious" would be if the singer were A. smoking hot, B. just a little bit trashy (though not Van Nuys-smack-whore-blow-job-behind-a-Koo Koo Roo-Dumpster-for-a-pack-of-Winstons trashy), or C. barely legal, but perhaps not even that old. "

One of the studies' major experiments, conducted by Dr. Sundeep Singh, Department Chair of Cell Biology at UC-Berkley, involved a complete genome mapping of maligned pop singer Brittany Spears, to ascertain whether or not she does, in fact, possesses the VL-466 gene pair, otherwise known among biologists as the "talent gene." In the past, VL-466 has been isolated and extracted from the DNA of such notable visionaries as Albert Einstein, Imannuel Kant, Jesus Christ, and David Hasselhoff.

Said a clearly befuddled Singh, during the latter stages of the two-year Spears experiment in June of 2007, "Although we've been testing Ms. Spears for the VL-466 for some time now, I think at this point it's pretty safe to say that she must be an extremely hard worker. Or off-the-charts smoking hot. Either one." 

After months of additional research, Singh found that Spears' closest genomic match is currently possessed by Verona Jones, a 52-year-old, thrice divorced pole dance instructor and part-time lab subject from Stockton, California. 

Said Ms. Jones, when reached via dial-up Internet for comment, "Shit, that trampy-ass cow wishes she could shake it like me. People think I can dance now? They shouda' seen me work this trunk four-hundred pounds ago, before I had to have my lap band removed and had to drive to get from the cereal aisle to the chips aisle."

During the study, Singh concurrently ordered the genomic mapping of 49-year-old aspiring vocalist Janet Vuckovich. According to Singh, Vuckovich's mapping yielded conclusive results that the mother of five with chronic halitosis, an iron lung, turrets syndrome, festering boils, a unibrow, and a severe drooling problem "possesses extraordinary - even other-worldly - talent." 

"Just for fun," added Singh wistfully, "I had Janet sing Streisand's 'People. And let's just say that beyond all the oozing and drooling - as well as the gut-wrenchingly nauseating stench - lies the voice of an angel." 

Another key component of the study, spearheaded by a team of aerospace engineers at NASA, found that unattractive women do in fact have the physical capacity to generate both pouty facial expressions and piercingly cloying vibrato, hallmarks of attractive pop singers such as Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera.  

Said Jonathan Olsen, chief coordinator of Aerodynamics of Space Transportation Systems at NASA, "Over an eight week trial, each day we'd choose two trained female vocalists and secure them at the end of a turbine wind tunnel for eighteen consecutive hours. Basically, one of the singers would be unfathomably hot while the other would most likely have warts or an extra shrunken limb - or perhaps be riddled with festering scabs. They were then asked to sing Rihanna's "Don't Stop The Music" while being subjected to winds upwards of two hundred miles an hour."

After months of grueling tests, Olsen and his team of researchers found that, though many of the their subjects expired during testing, of the survivors, the unattractive vocalists faired as good or better than the attractive ones.

Olsen asserts that the overall findings of the study "could lead to a greater understanding of the ways in which individuals create music and could open the door to great talents that have been pushed to the periphery of the music industry for so long."

But Warner Brothers Music Executive Philip Reese was less sanguine in his assessment of the study. "Even if some of this stuff were true - which I sincerely doubt - let me once again remind everyone that we're talking about the possibility of a music industry that is completely devoid of 18-year-old gyrating flesh. So people, ask yourselves: Is that a world in which you really want to raise your kids? 

Newly Erected Whole Foods Stores, Microbrewery Pubs, Pottery Barns Successful in Pushing Mexican Drug Violence Away From Border

GIn response to an inexorable stream of drug-related violence that has already begun to permeate the U.S.-Mexico border, the Obama administration moved aggressively Monday to safeguard against further incursion by ordering the immediate construction of myriad upscale markets, eateries, and clothing shops to be built along the border of vulnerable Southwestern U.S. regions.  

Said Janet Napolitano, the administration's recently appointed Secretary of Homeland Security, "Currently, the situation along the U.S.-Mexican border is grave and growing worse by the day. And quite frankly, to this point, we've tried everything to stem the flow of violence, including sending National Guard, DEA, and ATF personnel to ward off the violence. But, quite frankly, we've had zero success. So now, the gloves come off."

Napolitano continued with her sober proposal. "The idea for this whole thing came to me about a month ago, when I was at The Pottery Barn in Roanoke with my boyfriend, Tim, shopping for a modular wine buffet. I looked around and noticed that not one face in the entire place was non-anglo. I mean there weren't even any Russians or Jews in the store from what I could tell, though I'm not sure if either of those would qualify as white, per se. But you get my drift."

Napolitano's companion - who is African American - agreed. "Yeah, it was actually kind of eerie. We got there right before closing time, just as the cleaning crew was arriving - the all white cleaning crew. It makes one wonder what the hell this world is coming to. I mean, no black people, no Hispanics; just a bunch of white folks pushing around little kids - with names like Walker, Eleanor, and Bianca - in those mini-SUV's.

Said Naplitano's companion, "People get on black folks for names like Loquisha, LaTanya, and Ja'carl. But who would you rather have lunch with: DeShawn or Cooper? Who would you rather entrust a secret to: Jurell or Braden? And, most importantly, who would you rather have your back in a fight: Trevon or Winthorpe?" 

Added Napolitano, "During the Pottery Barn episode, the light went on: I needed to find out what it was about that place that keeps all the brown people away."

The following day, Napolitano, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, and Obama met with Mexican Secretary of Public Safety, Genaro Garcia Luna, John Trasvina of the Mexican American Legal Defense and Education Fund, and representatives from several other Mexican and Latino advocacy groups to discuss the possibility of implementing The Pottery Barn plan on a broader scale. Said Clinton, "Because of the gravity of the situation, we were forced to ask one simple question: What do Mexicans hate? I mean really hate. So we compiled a list."

According to Clinton, the meeting extended into the early morning hours and was extremely contentious at times. "For instance, a great deal of wrangling occurred over whether or not the ska-punk trio Blink 182 should make the final list," said Clinton, "So I had to call Chelsea in the middle of the night to get her take on the matter. She said that it wasn't so much that they (Blink 182) weren't embraced by Latinos as much as they were - as she put it - just incredibly gay."  

Clinton added, "After confirming this with the MALDEF people, we decided to eliminate them from the list. And you can thank Mr. 'bringing all sides together through healthy debate' for even mentioning those little queerbaits in the first place. I'll never understand that dude's taste in music."

Topping the list of things most despised by Mexicans were microbrews, organic tofu, Toyota Corollas, soy milk, the jam band Phish, framed vintage bistro prints that say "Cappuccino" or "Espresso," cakes without butter cream, John Mayer, being mistaken for El Salvadorans, NPR's "Car Talk With Click and Clack," baby slings, Crocs, tinted car windows devoid of Oakland Raiders logos, and canvas grocery bags - in that order.

"Oh, and we also hate Labrador Retrievers," added Trasvina, "for no particular reason."

As a result of the all-night summit, construction at many embattled border locations will begin, in earnest, later this week on an array of stores, shops, and restaurants that are most likely to "provoke feelings of intense dislike, distaste, disgust, or utter despair to any non-white human being," according to one State Department aide who wished to remain anonymous.

Nonetheless, Trasvina and other Latino advocates have voiced their concern over Clinton and Napolitano's plan. "Basically, we're fine with this thing, as long as they're using it to ward off drug thugs and not Mexicans altogether," said Trasvina. "Because, quite frankly, the Clinton administration's record on immigrant rights wasn't much better than Bush's."

When apprised of Trasvina's comments, Clinton, speaking to a mass of reporters approximately 10 feet away, responded curtly. "Look, if we wanted to ward off all Mexicans, we would've just built a massive condom dispensary at the border."

Trasvina shot back: "A condom dispensary? You mean like the one that your husband had installed in the Oval Office bathroom?"

Moments later, Clinton angrily lunged for Trasvina's throat but was restrained by seven aides and additional media personnel. Trasvina, restrained by no one, shouted. "I ain't afraid, Bitch! Somebody hold me back! Yeah, that's right: I didn't think so!"

The crowd gradually dispersed and the two parted ways soon after.

"Look, we're all ultimately on the same side here," said a conciliatory Obama at a noon press conference in which the president revealed preliminary details of The Pottery Barn Plan. "Emotions are running high today, which is understandable because there's a tremendous amount at stake." Then, with his collar microphone still on, an unsuspecting Obama departed the stage while muttering, "Jesus H. Christ, no one told me that this is the worst fucking shitbag of a job in the entire universe. One day! All I want is ONE DAY!"

Later, Napolitano revealed that initial reports from the first completed structures in Nogales, Sonora - a two-story Z Gallery flanked on either side by a Whole Foods market and a Sandbox Rebel store, a designer clothing boutique for toddlers - have yielded instant results.

Said Pablo Cortines, owner of a convenience store and a lifelong resident of Nogales, "Early this morning, I saw a whole convoy of trucks, led by armed guys in masks and flak jackets, heading north toward those brand new stores over there at the border. But when they got there, I heard a lot of high-pitched screams, like as though a bunch of them were being tortured all at the same time. After a couple of minutes, they turned the whole convoy around and raced back from where they came." Cortines paused and gazed up at the majestic new Z Gallery. "I've never heard fear like that come from a grown man."

Cortines continued. "Then, as they drove by, one of them yelled, 'Six hundred dollars for an ottoman?' He sounded scared as shit - I mean, he was really shaken up. And then I heard another one say something about why a parent would feel the need to dress their kid in a Velvet Underground T-shirt - or something like that. It's hard to really say for sure; sometimes, that stuff doesn't translate too well."