GIn response to an inexorable stream of drug-related violence that has already begun to permeate the U.S.-Mexico border, the Obama administration moved aggressively Monday to safeguard against further incursion by ordering the immediate construction of myriad upscale markets, eateries, and clothing shops to be built along the border of vulnerable Southwestern U.S. regions.
Said Janet Napolitano, the administration's recently appointed Secretary of Homeland Security, "Currently, the situation along the U.S.-Mexican border is grave and growing worse by the day. And quite frankly, to this point, we've tried everything to stem the flow of violence, including sending National Guard, DEA, and ATF personnel to ward off the violence. But, quite frankly, we've had zero success. So now, the gloves come off."
Napolitano continued with her sober proposal. "The idea for this whole thing came to me about a month ago, when I was at The Pottery Barn in Roanoke with my boyfriend, Tim, shopping for a modular wine buffet. I looked around and noticed that not one face in the entire place was non-anglo. I mean there weren't even any Russians or Jews in the store from what I could tell, though I'm not sure if either of those would qualify as white, per se. But you get my drift."
Napolitano's companion - who is African American - agreed. "Yeah, it was actually kind of eerie. We got there right before closing time, just as the cleaning crew was arriving - the all white cleaning crew. It makes one wonder what the hell this world is coming to. I mean, no black people, no Hispanics; just a bunch of white folks pushing around little kids - with names like Walker, Eleanor, and Bianca - in those mini-SUV's.
Said Naplitano's companion, "People get on black folks for names like Loquisha, LaTanya, and Ja'carl. But who would you rather have lunch with: DeShawn or Cooper? Who would you rather entrust a secret to: Jurell or Braden? And, most importantly, who would you rather have your back in a fight: Trevon or Winthorpe?"
Added Napolitano, "During the Pottery Barn episode, the light went on: I needed to find out what it was about that place that keeps all the brown people away."
The following day, Napolitano, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, and Obama met with Mexican Secretary of Public Safety, Genaro Garcia Luna, John Trasvina of the Mexican American Legal Defense and Education Fund, and representatives from several other Mexican and Latino advocacy groups to discuss the possibility of implementing The Pottery Barn plan on a broader scale. Said Clinton, "Because of the gravity of the situation, we were forced to ask one simple question: What do Mexicans hate? I mean really hate. So we compiled a list."
According to Clinton, the meeting extended into the early morning hours and was extremely contentious at times. "For instance, a great deal of wrangling occurred over whether or not the ska-punk trio Blink 182 should make the final list," said Clinton, "So I had to call Chelsea in the middle of the night to get her take on the matter. She said that it wasn't so much that they (Blink 182) weren't embraced by Latinos as much as they were - as she put it - just incredibly gay."
Clinton added, "After confirming this with the MALDEF people, we decided to eliminate them from the list. And you can thank Mr. 'bringing all sides together through healthy debate' for even mentioning those little queerbaits in the first place. I'll never understand that dude's taste in music."
Topping the list of things most despised by Mexicans were microbrews, organic tofu, Toyota Corollas, soy milk, the jam band Phish, framed vintage bistro prints that say "Cappuccino" or "Espresso," cakes without butter cream, John Mayer, being mistaken for El Salvadorans, NPR's "Car Talk With Click and Clack," baby slings, Crocs, tinted car windows devoid of Oakland Raiders logos, and canvas grocery bags - in that order.
"Oh, and we also hate Labrador Retrievers," added Trasvina, "for no particular reason."
As a result of the all-night summit, construction at many embattled border locations will begin, in earnest, later this week on an array of stores, shops, and restaurants that are most likely to "provoke feelings of intense dislike, distaste, disgust, or utter despair to any non-white human being," according to one State Department aide who wished to remain anonymous.
Nonetheless, Trasvina and other Latino advocates have voiced their concern over Clinton and Napolitano's plan. "Basically, we're fine with this thing, as long as they're using it to ward off drug thugs and not Mexicans altogether," said Trasvina. "Because, quite frankly, the Clinton administration's record on immigrant rights wasn't much better than Bush's."
When apprised of Trasvina's comments, Clinton, speaking to a mass of reporters approximately 10 feet away, responded curtly. "Look, if we wanted to ward off all Mexicans, we would've just built a massive condom dispensary at the border."
Trasvina shot back: "A condom dispensary? You mean like the one that your husband had installed in the Oval Office bathroom?"
Moments later, Clinton angrily lunged for Trasvina's throat but was restrained by seven aides and additional media personnel. Trasvina, restrained by no one, shouted. "I ain't afraid, Bitch! Somebody hold me back! Yeah, that's right: I didn't think so!"
The crowd gradually dispersed and the two parted ways soon after.
"Look, we're all ultimately on the same side here," said a conciliatory Obama at a noon press conference in which the president revealed preliminary details of The Pottery Barn Plan. "Emotions are running high today, which is understandable because there's a tremendous amount at stake." Then, with his collar microphone still on, an unsuspecting Obama departed the stage while muttering, "Jesus H. Christ, no one told me that this is the worst fucking shitbag of a job in the entire universe. One day! All I want is ONE DAY!"
Later, Napolitano revealed that initial reports from the first completed structures in Nogales, Sonora - a two-story Z Gallery flanked on either side by a Whole Foods market and a Sandbox Rebel store, a designer clothing boutique for toddlers - have yielded instant results.
Said Pablo Cortines, owner of a convenience store and a lifelong resident of Nogales, "Early this morning, I saw a whole convoy of trucks, led by armed guys in masks and flak jackets, heading north toward those brand new stores over there at the border. But when they got there, I heard a lot of high-pitched screams, like as though a bunch of them were being tortured all at the same time. After a couple of minutes, they turned the whole convoy around and raced back from where they came." Cortines paused and gazed up at the majestic new Z Gallery. "I've never heard fear like that come from a grown man."
Cortines continued. "Then, as they drove by, one of them yelled, 'Six hundred dollars for an ottoman?' He sounded scared as shit - I mean, he was really shaken up. And then I heard another one say something about why a parent would feel the need to dress their kid in a Velvet Underground T-shirt - or something like that. It's hard to really say for sure; sometimes, that stuff doesn't translate too well."
When I got to the bottom of the blog, I laughed so hard I snorted my coffee into my nose! What a nice way to wake up =)
Posted by: Katie | April 16, 2009 at 05:46 AM