On the eve of a proposed work stoppage by Los Angeles Unified School District teachers, Chief of Police William Bratton - backed by Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, the LAUSD school board, and District Supt. Ramon Cortines - issued a stern warning to the union leaders of United Teachers of Los Angeles, who are urging their over 40,000 members to protest the layoffs of hundreds of teachers due to the district's alleged budget constraints.
"We understand and empathize with UTLA's sense of responsibility and obligation to its teachers," said Bratton, in an impromptu press conference held on the steps of Los Angeles City Hall. "But what the union needs to understand is that, first and foremost, teachers have an obligation to cultivate the vulnerable and impressionable young minds of our community's children. And I mean
all teachers have that responsibility: The lushes, the molesters, the scammers,
and the slackers -
all. That's why, if the teachers do strike en masse, we will be forced to issue a full-scale military-style assault on every single one of them." Bratton then added, "Our forces have already been deployed to every school site in LAUSD, with specific instructions to treat each and
every protesting teacher like a
snuggly Mexican grandpa at a May Day rally."
To further underscore the hardline stance the District is taking with the teachers and their union, Cortines issued an emergency directive to all LAUSD school sites early Thursday morning, to "immediately cease the dissemination of coffee cake to all teachers." The tactic of coffee cake distribution is often implemented by administrators at most schools to appease disgruntled faculty following the mishandling of troubling incidents, such as student walkouts; teacher pay cuts and layoffs; bomb scare evacuations; and shooting sprees.
Nonetheless, Cortines' directive was met with weariness and skepticism as it filtered through the district Thursday afternoon. "That coffee cake," said Vincent Valero, Assistant Principal at Kennedy High School in Granada Hills, "has saved my sweet white ass more times than I can count. Basically, it's our last line of defense against widespread teacher revolt; without it, we'd surely have to resort to explaining our actions whenever we mishandle serious incidents."
Indeed, statistics overwhelmingly support Valero's claim. According to a 2007 report issued by the California Education Partnership, in which the mismanagement of LAUSD campus incidents by school administrators was analyzed, teachers were 40 percent less likely following such incidents to exhibit "defiant and/or egregiously indignant behavior" following the consumption of warm, moist coffee cake.
"Also," mumbled Valero, "it's laced with
ecstasy."
To achieve a clearer understanding of the district's striking teachers' perspective, Villaraigosa visited an Ideas in Science class at Monroe High School in the San Fernando Valley Thursday afternoon. Chaotic, loud, and brimming with over 40 academically at-risk students, sixth-year teacher Britney Hutton explained her lesson plans, as well as the course's overall curriculum, to the inquisitive mayor and a cluster of reporters.
Hutton explained that she begins each class with a short review of the previous day's material, which she says, is accompanied by a 10-to-15-minute stretch of what she referred to as "dead eyes," wherein her students stare coldly and blankly at her "as though they were lifeless cadavers at the morgue or bloodthirsty bull sharks skimming the shallows for injured prey."
Hutton says she then teaches the main lesson, "which is when the real tagging and cutting takes place." "Yeah, at the start of class, they're a little distractible - for whatever reasons - so I think the warm-up gives them ample opportunity to produce their tool of choice, whether it be a Sharpie, a razor blade, a shanking object of some sort, such as a screwdriver or awl or what-have-you...and then they eventually settle down." She added that the remainder of class is taught in five-minute increments, to account for the myriad office summonses; impromptu P.A. announcements; student proclamations of boredom, irritation, hunger, confusion, or rage; arriving students who are checking in to the school for the first time; false-alarm fire drills; and, finally, P.A. announcements assuring that the aforementioned fire drills were indeed false alarms.
When questioned as to the type of student who would enroll in an Ideas in Science course - one that is not sanctioned or approved as a standard science class by most 4-year colleges and universities - Hutton, after waxing pensive for several moments, said, "Probably the type of who's tagging his crew's insignia on your Armani messenger bag right now."
Indeed, when the inquiring reporter looked down to check his bag, he found that the words Kranky Boiyz had been scrawled across the front flap in black Sharpie. A colleague later pointed out that it had additionally been written across the back of his neck and, later, his forehead.
Most students in Hutton's class had difficulty identifying their esteemed visitor, though one student, bored with the lesson, leapt to his feet and shouted, "Tell us a funny joke, Mencia!"
After his visit, the normally voluble Villaraigosa admitted to being shaken by the experience. "I have only three words right now: Wake...up...call." He continued, albeit with a snakebitten look in his eye. "And I know this is probably way T.M.I., but before today, I was debating as to whether or not I should get a vasectomy. Not anymore. I'm calling to make my appointment later this afternoon, so I should be snipped up and ready to rock by next Friday night." He then added, "Is it normal that, while I was around those kids, I could actually feel my sperm count plummeting?"
Upon his departure, Villaraigosa asked Hutton if there was anything that she needed in particular to be a more engaging, effective Science teacher. Hutton's response was immediate and terse. "All I've ever needed were three things, Mr. Mayor: Parents that take responsibility for their kids, an overhead projector that actually works, and five minutes between 7:30 A.M. and lunch in which I can sit down and take a dump in peace." Added Hutton, "Honestly, there's been days when things are so hectic, I'm this close to dropping heat inside an empty Kleenex box. Okay, so one day I did. And when students complained about the stench, I told them I was just microwaving broccoli."
Villaraigosa said that, while he understands how teachers might feel an obligation to protect their own, he nevertheless ultimately empathizes with Cortines.
"No, I don't. I don't side with him - not necessarily," contested the mayor. "Although, don't get me wrong, part of me does side with him - in a huge way. But, on the other hand, these teachers work their tails off every single day - I've seen it first hand. But the kids are the ones who suffer in situations like these. So, in this instance, I'm going to choose not to side with either the union or the district, but, rather the kids. Even though I have nothing against the teacher's union, which has down an outstanding job. Or the district, which is the crown jewel of California public school districts. So, once again, I'm not siding with either, but at the same time, I'm not against either, either. I just wanted to be clear on that."
Bratton remained adamant about the serious consequences that could face protesting teachers on Friday. But when asked as to whether or not he believes that force will be necessary to restrain the picketing masses, the sometimes irascible police chief waxed optimistic: "I honestly don't think it'll get violent - at first. And if that's case, we just might have to escalate things a little, LAPD-style."
Inside a downtown warehouse, department officials and members of LAPD's vaunted S.W.A.T. unit prepared for Friday's civil unrest by testing a new crowd control device used to thwart unruly protesters. "It's an RPG," said one glowing official, who asked that his name be omitted from this article. "We black-marketed it from the Taliban in exchange for 17 crates of Double Stuff Oreos. It can take out an angry Sunni mob of up to 150 - or 200 high school English teachers."
If in fact the proposed district layoffs go through as planned, many current teachers will be replaced by district operatives who currently work in a variety of capacities at LAUSD's main headquarters.
Peter Beasely, a district processing clerk, will be taking over for Diane Seabrooks, a Social Studies and World History teacher who has seen her students' test scores increase an average of 24 percent over each of her first three years in the classroom. Beasely, 54, formerly worked as a Health and Phys. Ed. teacher in the mid-1980s at Manual Arts High School until he was sentenced to a five-year prison term for owning and operating a Tiajuana cock fighting operation.
"First, they say I can't be around kids anymore," said a disconsolate Beasely." Then, they say I can't have white-out or rubber cement in my possession. Then, it's 'you have to wear long sleeves to conceal your she-rooster on a pogo stick tat.' And then, out of the blue, I can't snort angel dust out by the dumpster anymore. And now? Now they say I'm going to be teaching AP History come September. Do these people even know who I am? Even if you can somehow forget the cock fighting, and the Columbian heroin syndicate, and the male hustling, my range of teaching skill set lies somewhere between rolling out kickballs to a mob of crazy-ass 15-year-olds and completely faking my way through the teaching of the female reproductive cycle. In fact, I'm still not sure what a vulva is - and whether or not talking about is something that should get me horny."
Photo Courtesy of Zoonabar's Photostream on Flickr.com
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I know what the vuvla is =)
I WANT COFFEE CAKE!!!! I admit it- it does appease me. It's so warm and crumbly I forget to be mad.
Posted by: Katie | May 27, 2009 at 10:10 AM