Obama Unable, Unwilling to Cure Individuals of Swine Flu, Common Cold, Insanity

As the Center for Disease Control and Prevention and the World Health Organization continued to gird for a possible international swine flu pandemic, President Barack Obama - perhaps too overwhelmed by a moribund economy, a national health care crisis, and a resurgence of violence in Iraq - refused the call to heal a burgeoning collection of domestic victims Friday. 

"I saw him on TV just Wednesday, telling us all how we shouldn't panic, and that we should stay home if we feel sick," said Randall Coines of East Brunswick, New Jersey, who momentarily felt the urge to sneeze at approximately 2:40 P.M. Eastern Standard Time. "But my question is, why isn't he out in public, helping us get better, knocking on doors and checking in on us to make sure everything's okay?" When apprised of the fact that the president had a plethora of additional pressing issues with which to deal, Coines responded, "Okay, fine. But, really, all it takes is a call to show you care."

Indeed, although he has moved on initiatives during his first 100 days in office to protect vulnerable swaths of natural habitat, to bail out major banks and automakers in financial peril, and to pressure credit card companies to end their unfair lending policies, Obama has nonetheless been unable - or, many say, unwilling - to use his full complement of executive powers to cure ailing victims who have recently been stricken with the possibly virulent flu strain from Mexico."

"This could very well be the defining moment for President Obama," said Dr. Richard E. Besser, acting director for the CDC. "But the hard fact of the matter is that (the President) hasn't even done anything yet about eradicating the most basic of degenerative and fatal diseases. I mean, has he cured anyone of AIDS yet? Has he healed one single person with Parkinsons? And what of M.S. and Alzheimer's? Seriously, exactly what does this guy do?"

Additionally, in a hastily arranged mid-day press briefing, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs vehemently dismissed recent rumors that, earlier in the week, the president had flippantly turned off his TV in the middle of a Sarah McClachlan ASPCA commercial, just as a tattered puppy's forlorn, pleading eyes stare into the camera amid McClachlan's song "Angel."

Gibbs, speaking to a restive media corps, said, "The president was, in fact, watching Animal Planet with his two daughters Tuesday night and went to put them to bed just as the McClachlan commercial came on. It was sheer coincidence, and the public needs to know that the president, in no way, despises, nor has he ever, despised puppies."

Prominent historian Doris Kearns Goodwin, author of Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln, was also scathing of Obama's recent missteps. "Quite frankly, we haven't seen a president of this stature rest on his laurels since, well, you'd have to go back to Lincoln when he signed the Emancipation Proclamation but then failed to exploit his political capital by subsequently proposing substantive madness tonic legislation."

Regarding the recent flu concerns, Gibbs explained that the president's normally remarkable healing powers were being compromised by a rare subterranean seismic shift in the earth's crust, which has, in turn, thrust a fresh layer of quartz crystals closer to the planet's surface. Said Gibbs, "And as most of you know, the biggest threat to any immortal's superpowers is quartz crystal radiates. So there's that."

Gibbs added that the problem should subside as soon as the moon reaches half centurion "or when a rooster's blood is drawn by a hobbled wolf at dawn - whichever happens first." 

Said Shawna Simms, a customer service representative for a national satellite television provider, "All I have to say about that is 'Thank God!' There was a moment where I actually thought I was going to have to spend the next eight years trying to figure out most of my problems all by myself, without Obama's constant nurturing and reassurance. It's good to know that that won't have to happen now."

Comments

[Katie]

I want an Obama phone call....it's almost enough for me to stop washing my hands. Like children who fall on purpose to get attention and a cookie. I admit it, I'm not above that.

[Carole]

It's the Quartz crystals for sure. But doesn't everybody KNOW that?