On the heels of a resounding voter rejection of four major ballot initiatives, California's already sinking economy continued to plummet dangerously close to depression-era levels this week as Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger moved swiftly to propose a raft of cuts to health care, education, and social programs.
Said a disconsolate Schwarzenegger, via telephone from his Sacramento office, "This is a borderline impossible situation. These cuts are going to be broad, they're going to be deep, and they're going to be painful. And at this stage, there's just no other alternative, unless you want to do something radical like increase sales tax by a quarter of a percent. But the bottom line then is this: Would you rather have your kid crammed into a dilapidated, asbestos-caked remedial Math class - with 45 other students being taught by a district retread who's counting his days toward retirement - or have to pay an extra four cents for a pair of skinny jeans? So you can see what I mean when I say 'This is a borderline impossible situation.'"
It is a quandary that has dogged tax-weary Californians for decades. And this week, the question was once again put to the test in a poll sponsored by the Pew Center for Responsible Government and Policy. The poll, given to a cross section of voters moments after casting their ballots in the May 9th special election, questioned respondents' feelings toward paying increases in taxes to help generate much needed revenue, with the goal of ultimately eliminating much of the state's crushing debt.
"Fuuuuck no!" grumbled Nokes Maggards of Victorville, when asked whether he'd be willing to pay more in taxes in exchange for more state fiscal stability. "First of all, as far as taxes go, they say they use it to build roads and schools and hospitals and shit. But do you know what they really use it for?
Maggards paused, glanced wistfully out at his front lawn, at the 1996 Honda ATV wedged between a half-deflated blow up Oakland Raiders easy chair and a black lacquer microwave oven stand, and said, "Procedures. For little Spanish and Oriental kids - you know, cleft pallets, cross eyes, and excetra. I heard this one kid was born with a dimple in his forehead that made him look all weird and cyclopsy and shit. And so they had it moved down to his chin so that now he sorta' resembles a Mexican John Travolta - except that he's six. Now don't get me wrong, that's some cool-ass medical shit right there. But why do I gotta' pay the freight for it?"
Added Maggard's common law wife Reeny Styles-LaMarke, a dancer at Slick Girls' Gentleman's Club and Juice Hole, "And I ain't payin' no more of my hard-earned money so two queers can take it to the altar! You just watch: When the gays all finally get the right to marry, they're gonna raid all the orphanages and turn a whole generation of red-blooded American boys into butt sluts. Living in this country will be like living in one great big Restoration Hardwares."
Nokes, currently serving the final week of a 4-month house arrest sentence for smuggling stolen Robitussen cough syrup across state lines, added, "Fuckin'...the first two things I'll be doing when I get my Lowjack taken off next week is goin' on the Riddler's Revenge (at Six Flags theme park) and not paying more in taxes."
In the poll, when questioned at to whether or not a modest increase - between a quarter and a half of a percent - in retail sales tax would be an acceptable alternative to major cutbacks in "programs specifically designed to assist the elderly - such as Meals on Wheels and Medicare," 82 percent of the respondents answered "No."
"Clearly, the always well-informed people of California have spoken emphatically and intelligently on the issue of these socialist handouts for the so-called elderly," said Bob Tice, spokesperson for The Milton Friedman Initiative, a Sacramento-based Libertarian political action committee. "First off, this state has time and again insisted on throwing money at the old and infirmed without asking for anything at all in return. And, I'll have you know, I don't sit in my high-rise office, issuing no fewer than two press releases a day at a measly eighty thousand a year so that some 94-year-old welfare queen can ambulate, adequately absorb nutrients, and live with her last shreds of human dignity all day long."
Nonetheless, when asked whether or not they would be willing to have state-run services - such as trash pickup, mail delivery, school operation, bus service, park maintenance, road construction, and police shifts - interrupted or truncated, 77 percent of Californians selected "No."
Said Albert Salas, a purchasing agent from Oceanside, "All these things should be free, plain and simple. So I shouldn't have to pay even more than I do now for something that I'm already entitled to."
But when informed that a continuation of such seemingly mundane services would ultimately require substantial increases in property, sales, and payroll taxes, Paulus stood in stunned silence, then said, "If they really wanted to, they could solve this whole problem right now by eliminating the third grade throughout the entire state. Think about it: What did any of us really learn in third grade? Math? Maybe remainders, though I still don't know what the hell that even means. Spelling? I still can't spell "vacuum" or "commemorate" - or even "license" - if someone held a gun to my head. Reading? Too old for Dick and Jane, too young for Salinger. So what did we end up reading? Grammar Workbooks. And yet I still don't know what a gerund is. In fact, the only thing I can recall from third grade was that Gale Simmons alphabetically sat right in back of me and, just like in second grade, she still smelled vaguely of meunster cheese, wet Dachsund, and old tomato soup. I may have also called someone a jiz bucket for the first time then, too, so maybe it wasn't a complete loss."
Sabrina Taber of Westminster was equally startled by the daily services that are covered by taxes. Said Taber, "I never knew that people were actually hired for cleaning up parks. Honestly, I thought birds just swooped down and picked up pieces of garbage to help build their nests. I mean, you see it all the time on Discovery Channel."
79 percent of the poll's participants stated that they were "entitled to a greater scope of government services than they already receive, such as more frequent garbage pickup, faster mail delivery, a better trained police force, and more qualified teachers," while only 4 percent said they were "willing to pay for such increases in services."
Raymond McVee, a car wash attendant from Pomona, explained his seemingly contradictory responses to the questions. "Am I entitled to them (expanded municipal services)? Hell yes, I am. Am I willing to pay more for it? Hell no, I'm not." Then, after a pregnant, reflective pause, McVee added, "What the fuck are you still looking at?"
Curiously, the poll's respondents also seemed to answer with a unified voice over a series of hypothetical questions that would tie one's commitment to social responsibility to either an increase or a decrease in taxes. For instance, when asked if tax breaks should be given to individuals who conserve water and electricity, only 14 percent of the respondents answered "Yes," while 70 percent responded "No." The remaining 16 percent of those polled had their answers omitted because they erroneously darkened the bubble of a nearby column marked "Makes me feel sad, irritable, or confused."
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