Thousands Gather in L.A. to Mourn Passing of Satan

A sea of friends, colleagues, and fans flocked to Los Angeles’ Staples Center on Sunday to mourn the passing of Satan, the world’s premier purveyor of darkness. Satan, also referred to as Mephistopheles, The Devil, The Prince of Darkness, and Evil Incarnate, presided over a tarnished legacy of unparalleled destruction, mayhem, demonic possession, and pestilence that spanned nearly ten centuries.

But Satan had fallen upon hard times over the past decade, frequently finding himself in inauspicious relationships with notorious mafioso, high-priced Hollywood prostitutes, corrupt politicians, and unsavory Las Vegas gambling syndicates. And it was reported as recently as last year that he had receded into the seclusion of former Vice-President Dick Cheney's Secured Undisclosed Location as The Evil One’s once overwhelming influence and popularity continued to wane. 

“That’s why it was so startling when I found out how he passed away,” said comedian and former business associate Pauly Shore, referring to Satan, whose unconscious body was discovered alongside two highly intoxicated transvestite hookers at 3 A.M., in an abandoned Wienerschnitzel parking lot in Pacoima, CA.

According to police officers at the scene, Satan had a syringe half-filled with a fatal amalgam of opium, prune juice and Hydroxycut still lodged in his arm and over $10 thousand in contraband Bose stereo equipment stashed in the trunk of his 1984 Camaro Z-28.  

Friends say that the 9,000-year-old had been battling depression and what longtime colleague Mullah Omar referred to as “many, many demons.” 

Added Shore, “Not to sound selfish or anything, but the big question for me at this point is who gets my soul now?”

Shore’s question is one that is certain to be addressed in the coming weeks, months and years, as countless attorneys, private investors and mob kingpins scavenge over a dizzying array of untalented lost souls.

Even the Obama administration has been monitoring the situation, lest it escalate into yet another international crisis for the already embattled president. Said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, “We’re keeping a close eye on the situation as it develops. The President realizes just how problematic an untalented lost soul vacuum can be in this day and age.”

In fact, according to one unnamed source within the administration, the President and a team of advisors have already begun discussing a more than $700 billion package that would essentially hand over ownership and operation of the forsaken souls to the federal government. Storage of the souls will undoubtedly be fodder for more controversy, however, and could further forestall Obama's plans for other policy initiatives.

“Lookit, there needs to be a safe, secure storage facility for these sorts of souls,” said Obama, speaking from a high school gymnasium in Kearney, Nebraska, where he is currently promoting his administration’s health care package. “And I realize that everyone’s going to say ‘Not in my backyard’ when it comes to souls belonging to Sebastian Bach, Larry the Cable Guy, Rihanna, House of Pain, and Creed. The bottom line is, nobody wants them. But are any of you really comfortable with the souls of, say, John Tesh or even Jimmy Fallon roaming the streets at night?”

Satan was, by many accounts, a conflicted - and deeply tormented - former agent of God, whose prickly disposition often lead to numerous feuds with muckraking journalists over the years. 

“Nobody’s perfect,” said longtime confidant Bernard Madoff. “I’m not going to sit here trying to justify some of his sillier mistakes, of which there are many. But by golly, the media had it out for him from day one. And by day one, I mean six thousand B.C.”

“Undoubtedly, he was a victim of media bias and bad publicity,” said Dr. Jared Diamond, professor of Ancient Civilizations and Cultural Anthropology at UCLA, and author of the bestselling Guns, Germs, and Steel. “But Satan was notorious for constantly shooting himself in the foot. People bring up things like The Holocaust, The Spanish Inquisition and Darfur – not that any of that is forgivable. But how could he ever expect to garner a shred of public support after putting a band like Daughtry in a position to be heard by millions?

Nevertheless, in recent years, Satan had embarked on a massive campaign to reshape his image, hiring New York public relations firm 5W, former Paramount Pictures mega-producer Robert Evans, and Republican political strategist Karl Rove – to mostly disappointing results.

Said Evans of Satan, “Was he a tough nut to crack? Sure, he was. Did he listen to my advice? Sometimes – not nearly enough. Did we get along? Not one lick. Did I love him like a son? You bet your sweet ass I did. Look, like I said: I liked the kid, I really did. But in the end, what can you really tell a guy who spends his entire brunch at Morton’s meticulously hatching out the next genocide? Oh, and incidentally, you don’t wanna’ know about the next worldwide pandemic, either. Luckily, I’ll probably be dead by then; but just so you know, it’s gonna make the Bubonic Plague look like the goddamn sniffles." 

As part of his stirring eulogy, former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld later added that Satan’s altruism was all too frequently overshadowed by “the fact that he was a bowel-stenched mastermind who eagerly disseminated worldly destruction and ineffable evil..But we all too often confuse Satan the devil with Satan the man. Who among you would want to be judged as a human being based on what you do, day in and day out, at your chosen profession as a human being? Right? Everybody with me?”

Moreover, many of Satan’s closest friends and associates insist that he possessed a softer, more magnanimous side. In fact, they claim, Satan was a staunch and enduring advocate of the arts, championing the careers of musicians Kenny G., Michael Bolton, Vanilla Ice, The Backstreet Boys, Miley Cyrus, and Right Said Fred ; actors Vin Diesel, Mark Wahlberg, and Ashton Kutcher; comedian Larry The Cable Guy; and painter Thomas Kincaid .

Additionally, Satan, a die-hard sports fan since the dawn of athletic competition, was often seen mentoring young athletes whose lives had rapidly transformed into a fishbowl of media scrutiny. Sports superstars Michael Vick, Mike Tyson , Rae Carruth, Lawrence Phillips, Ryan Leaf, and Jose Canseco relied heavily on Satan for support and guidance during the early days of their respective careers and still remember him fondly to this day.

Said an emotional Vick, “After my rookie season in the NFL, right as things started getting a little crazy for me with all the fame and money and stuff, Satan was the first one to suggest that what I really needed to ground myself was a hobby – preferably one that would switch my focus away from myself and onto other living things – like, for example, the caretaking of animals. So we brainstormed for a while and figured out what I was really missing in my life was the breeding and training of ferocious, blood-lusting pit bulls for the purpose of mauling other bloodthirsty pit bulls, while lynching or drowning all the ones that didn’t display the traits of a maniacal, four-legged demon-spawn. Spiritually, it really centered me.”

Most of the kids nowadays don’t remember De’Heracles Jackson,” said Bert Sugar, a veteran reporter at Ring Magazine, “because they don’t know anything about the history of sports nowadays. But here was a kid with all the tools. I mean, people forget just how dominant a force he was for Sparta back in the late-700s (B.C.E.).” Jackson, who, at the second Olympiad, captured four guilded wreathes and an unprecedented six boy-slave shower excursions, had grown up fatherless on the mean streets of Amphipolis, jacking chariots and hustling knock-off palm fronds. The troubled youth was even caught dealing gaseous vapors on several occasions.

Added Sugar, “The kid came from nothing, but he shot up through the ranks mainly because Satan saw something in him – something special.”

But Satan’s legacy of advocating disadvantaged young athletes stretches back even farther in time, to the dawn of man. “I’m sure everyone’s also long forgotten Satan’s role in Guh-GAH’s rise to stardom,” said Sugar, glumly referring to The Devil’s role in mentoring a young, spry Neanderthal organ and feces hurler from what is now the Caucasus region of Serbia. 

“Guh-GAH? The kid had absolutely filthy stuff,” said Peter Gammons of ESPN. “To say he was ‘toolsy’ would’ve been a huge understatement, because Guh-GAH could do it all – indiscriminately splatter shit against a random stone, eat dirt, lick things. Like I said, he became the best, which would’ve never happened had Satan not had the acumen to identify and cultivate his stratospheric talent. It really was a shame how it all ended so fast.”

Sadly, GAH!!, as his friends and teammates called him, was yet another tragic example of a Satan protégé flying too close to the sun, as the young Neanderthal was ultimately unsuccessful in his lengthy struggle against raw Smilodon marrow addiction, tragically passing away at age 22 – just two days shy of his grandson Org’s first birthday.

Pallbearer O.J. Simpson was perhaps most effusive in his praise for the deceased. "The thing about me is that I've always been a really loathsome human being. I mean, take your pick and I've done it: Wife-beating? Check. Chronic lying? Um-hum. Armed robbery? That's me! Double-murder? You bet. So when Satan first approached me when I was a freshman at USC and claimed that he could transform me from a freakishly athletic young thug into a marketable - and extremely likeable - national icon, I'll admit I was skeptical. And when he proposed the deal of banishing my soul to eternal fire in exchange for just two words of his guidance, I was was even more dubious. But we made the deal, and, by God, he ended up being right."

And what were those two life-changing words?

Simpson smiled then said, "Be whiter."

Tickets for Satan’s memorial ceremony at the 15,000-seat Staples Center were snapped up within minutes of his death, as there had been widespread speculation among ticket brokers that having the memorial at the 15,000-seat arena would be one of the fallen angel’s final wishes.

“It’s no revelation that Satan was an enormous Laker fan, so this was pretty much the expected venue,” said Pete McClavich, CEO of Ticketprize.com. “It was sort of common knowledge around here that, through the years, Satan attended every game he could, despite the busy schedule. I mean, he’s the devil: What other NBA team could he possibly root for?” McClavich added that Satan attended most games incognito, “at times emobodying hot dog vendors, Vlade Divac, or “eccentric, queeny, old Hollywood-types who sit courtside beside Jack (Nicholson).”

Due to the gravity of the occasion, scalpers outside the arena were hustling tickets for up to $1,500 each.

Said Daniella Wright of Riverside, CA, moments after purchasing two front row tickets from a scalper, “I don’t care how much these things are going for. There’s only one Satan, and we love him!”

Others were not as fortunate. Said Sister Mary Lester of Our Lady of Lourdes Parish, “Fifteen hundred each? That’s fuckin’ bullshit,”

Photo Courtesy of DC Atty on Flickr.com

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I found out how he passed away,” said comedian and former business associate Pauly Shore, referring to Satan, whose Scraps unconscious body was discovered alongside two highly intoxicated transvestite hookers at 3 A.M., in an abandoned Wienerschnitzel parking lot in Pacoima

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