Dr. Robert Hildegard, a gruff and grizzled professor of Cultural Anthropology at Northwestern University in Chicago, has been in pursuit of one for nearly four decades; but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the 1993 recipient of a Macarthur Genius Grant is any closer now than when he began his quest as a 22-year-old UC Berkeley graduate student in 1971.“Back then, we were so sure that we were on the right track,” said Hildegard, referring to the almost fanatical pursuit among academics, scientists, and all-around thrill-seekers of what has come to be known in Anglo-American social circles as “My Black Friend.”
“But we weren’t even remotely close. And we had no clue as to the years of utter sacrifice and abysmal disappointment that lay ahead.”
Hildegard and his colleagues say that pursuing such an elusive creature produces a daily roller-coaster ride of emotions and requires equal amounts focus and tenacity - in addition to an uncanny ability to ignore the multitudes who deny the Black Friend’s mere existence.
Said Jonathan Mason, the Dean of African American Studies at The University of Washington in Spokane, and author of a collection of books on cultural plurality within the suburban African American community, said, “With all due respect to my colleagues, the premise of the Black Friend is a complete and utter fallacy.”
Mason maintains that, for whites, having a Black Friend implies a “cool, progressive, open-minded approach” to one’s life, tantamount to sending one’s children to public school, driving a Prius, listening to Hip-Hop music, or, in the most extreme cases, “watching UPN, which, quite frankly, most black people don’t even have the will or courage to do.”
Mason continued. “But as a black man, I can honestly say - and I’m not alone in this assessment - that I reserve my strongest contempt for white folks who claim me as their friend to other whites, like I’m some goddamned Precious Moment figurine that they can just stash in the hall china closet and show off to their other white friends. Trust me, I’ve studied white folks all my life; and the only thing they want more than a Whole Foods gift card is a Black Friend to call their very own."
"But it’s fool’s gold," he said, "the white peoples' version of Waiting for Godot. Wait - that is the white peoples' version. Rather, it’s the black peoples' version of waiting for a smart, edgy coming-of-age film about young black folks that doesn’t revolve around thug life, pit bulls, or pounding forties of Old English on a porch in Compton. In other words, some things just aren’t meant to happen.”
Concluded Mason, “Oh, and just because we chuckle when you all come in to work quoting skits from “The Chapelle Show” doesn’t mean we like you. We just really, really like to watch white people say, ‘Is Wayne Brady gonna havta' choke a bitch?’ Nothing less, nothing more.
Aarne Hakkinen, a professor of Archeology and Ancient Civilizations at Finland’s Helsinki University, was also befuddled when asked about the prominence of the Black Friend in Anglo American culture.
“This Black Friend that you keep saying,” said Hakkinen, “I understand the friend part, but why would he be black? How would a person be black?
According to most Sociologists, Anglo Americans’ desire to have a black friend is a fairly recent development, most likely rooted in the former 1980s NBC hit sitcom "Diff’rent Strokes," a program that tracked the childhood of two urban African American brothers who are adopted and subsequently welcomed into the Manhattan penthouse of an affluent white family.
James DuFresne, a fellow at the Brookings Institute, a conservative think thank, waxed rhapsodic. “For many of us, “Diff’rent Strokes” made it okay to get within ten feet of young African American males again.” He then hastily added, “Providing they’re forcibly removed from their element, scrubbed squeaky clean, and clad in pastel Izod sweaters. Also, it really helps if they're freakishly adorable and just a little bit on the sassy side." DuFresne stared off wistfully into the distance for several minutes before breaking his silence. "God, how I miss that show.”
Added pop star Madonna, through an L.A. based media liaison, "“Diff'rent Strokes" was the defining moment in race relations in the 1980s. It was a show that made me want to grab a cute, little black child off the streets and stash him in my foyer display tank. But I did two better than that, adopting three, all of whom I now own and display at my le-jure, which has greatly contributed to my goal of creating a post-racial household."
"Diff'rent Strokes" was followed by a bevy of additional programming depicting cordial black-white friendships, such as "Webster," "The Cosby Show," and "Gimme’ a Break," starring the multi-talented Nel Carter.
“Gimme a Break was arguably the most groundbreaking show in the history of American television,” said Cameron Zorquist, a former NBC executive who produced "Gimme a Break" as well as the short-lived - though critically acclaimed - sitcom "Our Dumpster Crack Baby." “Because, instead of having an overweight, maternal black maid doting on a white family – like in so many other programs and movies from the past – "Gimme" showed that you could have an overweight, maternal black maid doting on a white family, but, in this case, the overweight black maid is also a gospel vocalist - heady, avant guard stuff that would never fly in today’s conservative climate. My bet is we’ll never see creativity and imagination like that at the network level again.”
In recent years, the Republican Party, a bastion of Anglo affluence for the last half-century, has sought to deflect allegations of bigotry and elitism by recruiting conservative members of the African American community.
Said former House Speaker and current conservative commentator Newt Gingrich, "Though the liberal media loves to paint us as a bunch of redneck bigots, clearly our party's track record of racial diversity speaks for itself. There's (Supreme Court Justice) Clarence Thomas, (former Secretary of State) Condoleeza Rice, uh (dry swallow), Clarence Thomas, who has...did you know that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican?"
Last March, conservatives aggressively sought the services of former Maryland Lt. Governor Michael Steele to be the first black chairman of the Republican National Committee. With Steele aboard, the party hopes it can broaden its appeal beyond its predominantly white base, whose average age is currently 79.
Said Steele, at a press briefing in early July to discuss his party's long-term objectives, "I see us being not just the party of the Angry White Man, but also the party of the Angry White Man who won't necessarily reach inside his ankle holster when he sees a black man making a U-turn in the nearby cul-de-sac."
"But with that said," Steele continued, "black people need to do their part in this thing, too. We need to realize that guns, while a necessity, shouldn't be used for gang wars or convenience store hold-ups. They're for suspicious-looking characters loitering about the street in front of your house, young roustabouts who wantonly traipse across your lawn without any regard for the "Warning: This Yard Protected by Smith and Wesson" signage, and, most of all, Socialists who want to steal your republic away from you by offering comprehensive government programs."
Steele has gained favor in recent weeks among even the staunchest conservatives for his public denunciation of former Democratic President Jimmy Carter, who alleged that many conservatives' criticisms of President Obama have arisen from racist attitudes.
When questioned by reporters if racism were a factor in American politics, Steele said, "I highly doubt it. Quite frankly, allegations of white people's bigotry over the centuries has been greatly exaggerated, or, at the very least, overstated." When asked how he'd characterize public lynchings, slavery, and Jim Crowe laws, Steele responded by saying, "An uncomfortable learning experience for each and every one of us." before adding to the inquiring reporter, "And did you forget your American Flag lapel pin today or do you just despise America?"
Due to Steele's skyrocketing political stock, many key conservatives have recently sought to befriend the suddenly ubiquitous RNC Chairman.
"We're going golfing next week," said a sanguine House Minority Leader John Boehner. "which is perfect timing, since my country club voted just last month to start allowing blacks on a provisional basis." Boehner beamed, adding, "So I'm sure Michael will make me fine caddy."
"Oh, Michael Steele you say?" asked Republican Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, rhetorically. "Yeah, we hang out. We mostly just chill, listen to Wu Tang, play dominos, read Ebony magazine, discuss
apartheid - whatever.
Some conservatives remain bullish on Steele, however. Radio host Rush Limbaugh still scoffs at the idea of Steele as the leader of his party. "I have only one word to describe the man," said Limbaugh of Steele. "Overrated."
Back in his office at Northwestern, Hildegard acknowledged that attitudes such as Limbaugh's have only served to impede his quest.
"In Science," said a visibly frustrated Hildegard, "we have a technical term to describe individuals like Mr. Limbaugh who adulterate data by willfully imposing their presence upon the research process: Fuckfaces."
Hildegard continued. “Quite honestly, there have been many dark hours when I just felt like packing it in. But then I would be doing a profound disservice to all the researchers before me who tried and failed in their lifelong pursuit.”
Still, for some, finding and catching a Black Friend is more than just a means to an end.
“You’re never going to get rich doing this, that’s for sure,” said Davis Kryzewski, Ph.D., a former professor emiritus at Case Western University. Ultimately, you do it because it’s your passion. At the same time, it’s tough sometimes to stay positive with all the failure that’s inherent in searching for one. And if you let it, it’ll completely take over your life."
According to Kryzewski, many of his colleagues who have dedicated their lives over the years to the pursuit of a Black Friend have found themselves losing connections with friends and loved ones. But, he said, if it means becoming estranged from a spouse, the pursuit of finding a Black Friend outside of captivity would be worth it.
Said Kryzewski, "I’ve been divorced three times, and my kids send me bags of human feces for my birthday. But, to me, it’s worth it."
While Hildegard empathizes with Kryzewski, he ultimately disagrees with his overall mindset.
“There’s definitely a limit," said Hildegard. "For instance, I don’t even want to think about all those freezing nights sitting inside my car outside lavish homes in the Hills, waiting for a Christmas party to end so that I could maybe, possibly, catch even a glimpse of a prospective Black Friend leaving the premisis.”
He quickly added, “As I'm sure you've discovered, this is a job that never completely ends. I mean, first of all, none of my colleagues has ever even seen a Black Friend in the wild. And then, what do you do if you finally spot one? Approach it with caution? Take a picture? Try reciting lines from "Friday" so that it'll know you mean business? Truthfully, if there were a formula for this, we’d all be swimming in blacks.”
Nevertheless, Hildegard concedes that the Republican Party may have indeed discovered that formula, much to the chagrin of scientists and academics who, despite decades of meticulous research and focus, have had little success.
“I’m not going to lie,” he said. “‘It’s pretty disheartening when a bunch of glorified used car salesmen who claim that dinosaurs co-existed alongside Jesus Christ have devised a more effective strategy for capturing the Black Friend than some of the world’s most esteemed scientists.”
Happy are the families where the government of parents is the reign of affection, and obedience of the children the submission to love.Do you understand?
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