Creaky Wheel

Oceanside Man Disappointed By Unimaginative Ghost

On Friday, local authorities acknowledged that San Diego County 911 dispatchers had received a series of listless calls from Randy Foster, a 31-year-old golf pro, reporting the incidence of "lame-ass paranormal disturbances" inside his Oceanside condominium. 

911 dispatcher Doris McClellan, who received the first of four calls from Foster late Thursday night, said, "Normally when people call in, because they're so full of fear or anguish, they can barely even catch their breath. But this was different. When this guy called, he just seemed really, really disinterested - even bored."

Letting out a massive yawn while accessing his Blackberry to check the score of the Dodgers-Cardinals playoff game, an emotionally detached  Foster said, "Truthfully, at first I was seriously debating about whether or not I should call 911. And I wouldn't have except for the fact that this thing was seriously working on my nerves - and has been for some time." 

Foster explained that the paranormal force currently occupying his condominium is neither frightening nor destructive. 

"It's not scary at all, unless you consider spontaneously lighting a single dining room candle terrifying. On the one hand, if I had a date over, maybe that would've been cool, but I was right in the middle of cleaning clumps of shit out of my cat's litter box at the time. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with a dinner candle at that point?" 

Foster also recounted another incident that occurred Monday evening, upon his return from work. "I was all psyched to watch the Charger game on Monday Night Football: I'd just picked up an extra large pizza from Tony's and a six of Fat Tire. Then, when I walked into my place, my TV was already on - but it was tuned to C-SPAN. C-SPAN Book TV."

Foster explained that, after several minutes of trying to endure the programming, he attempted everything "short of throwing my new flat screen against the wall" to change the channel. 

"I basically missed the entire game and instead got Phillip Roth babbling on about what it means to be a literary Jew in a post-9/11 world. At that point, I knew something had to be done about this stupid thing."

"But it's only gotten worse," Foster said, adding that the phantasm has even become "a little on the clingy side," referring to its penchant for laying out Foster's socks and underwear for the following day while he sleeps. "I mean, Jesus, I'm not four years old anymore."

All parties agree that the urgency of Foster's 911 calls increased significantly throughout the evening, as the poltergeist's activity grew in frequency and intensity. 

Nevertheless, only one transcript of the calls has been released to the media, due to the sensitive nature of the subject matter, as well as the fear of copycats, which commonly follow sensational incidents. 

The following exchange took place during Foster's fourth and final 911 call of the evening and was received by dispatcher LaWanda Chase at 3:16 A.M.

Chase: Yeah?

Foster: Wait, is this 911?

Chase: Um-hmm. What can I do for you, sir?

Foster: Hi, I just called about 20 minutes ago - 

Chase: Your location, please.

Foster: 1112 Durham Street, Oceanside. I have a ghost -

Chase: You have a ghost?

Foster: I have a ghost. In my condo unit. Right now.

Chase: Sir -

Foster: I assure you, it's the real deal. 

Chase: Sir, how would you even know if you've got a ghost in your house?

Foster: Do you hear that playing? (At this point, Foster holds the phone receiver to a stereo speaker, which emits Norah Jones' single "Come Away With Me.")

Chase: Is that Norah Jones? Ooh, I do not like her.

Foster: I know. Brutal, right?

Chase: Um-hmm. If that girl were black, we wouldn't even know who she is.

Foster: Thank you! But the problem is, I've never, ever owned a Norah Jones CD or a Norah Jones anything. Oh my God! Make it stop!

Chase: Sir, are you alone?

Foster: Yes. Please, just...The music! The boredom!

Chase: Sir? Sir, just hang on. We've already sent for help. Sir? (The music grows louder) Sir, where is the ghost now?

Foster: It just... (transcript interrupted by static)... living room setting up a game of Electronic Stratego! NO! PLEASE!

Chase: Sir! Sir, help's coming. If you can just convince it to put the Stratego back in the box, at least until help arrives - maybe set up a game of Cranium instead, if you have it. Are you there? Sir! (At this point, the transmission is cut off.)

Said McClellan, the first 911 dispatcher, "I actually thought it was a crank call at first. But then, when he described what was happening in his condo, I was like, 'oh shit.'"  

McClellan was convinced, she said, when Foster recounted an extraordinarily bland sequence of paranormal occurrences. 

"He said that, right before he'd called, it had just finished organizing a stack of grocery coupons by food group. And before that it had placed the cap back on his tube of toothpaste. I mean, why would anyone lie about something so lame?"

Foster said he knew something was amiss several months ago, when his Digital Video Recorder began to repeatedly record PBS programs such as "Masterpiece Theater" and "This Old House." 

Said Foster, "Before that, I didn't even know what channel PBS was on, and now my TiVo's loaded to capacity with "Antiques Road Show."" 

Foster continued. "First it was the cap on the toothpaste; then it kept changing the furniture layout in my dining room. And, granted, the room's more conducive to conversation now, but I'm a single guy: I need to be able to see the game from my recliner, which is now impossible because it's all the way off to the side."

Foster said he'd most characterize his overall experience in living with a paranormal as "disappointing," adding, "You'd hope that, if the ghost in your home isn't going to scare the living shit out of you, at the very least it would avoid pushing your buttons."

Earlier this month, Foster had awakened to see the word LLIK scrawled across his bathroom mirror in red permanent marker. "Which was a little weird," he said, adding, "But then I realized the ghost was trying to do that Redrum trick from "The Shining." Problem is, you need another mirror in the background for that - or else a word that makes sense when it's spelled backwards. So, not only is this thing unimaginative, but it also has zero understanding of reverse palindromes."

Murrieta, CA Man Wins Nobel Prize in Physics, Not Humbled by Honor

Colby Evers, a Murrieta, California resident and former employee of Golf 'n Splash Fun 'n Ride in nearby Riverside, was awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics Friday, just one week after being arrested for public drunkenness, disorderly conduct and indecent exposure outside a Dave and Buster's parking lot. 

Evers was informed of his landmark achievement late Friday afternoon by his brother-in-law, Tanner, following a series of attempts by work colleagues, family members, ex-girlfriends, ex-wives, creditors, and former employers to contact the 32-year-old miniature gold attendant that proved unsuccessful. 

Bjorn Jakobson, Communications Director for the Nobel Committee, admitted that Evers was "nearly impossible to contact."  

"It ain't gonna do ya no good," shouted Cherish Angel to Evers' twin brother Donnie, as he made repeated attempts to contact the Nobel Prize winner via cell phone. Angel, a former professional dancer at Shifteez Juice Bar in Pomona, CA, who now collects unemployment due to a late-night performance mishap, is the Nobel winner's ex-common-law-wife. She now dates Donnie, her manager at Shifteez.

"I know him better'n anybody. Better'n you, better'n his numb nuts brother over there, and better'n all them skanky-assed whores he chases around that broke down amusement park. If them needle dicks (from the Nobel committee) were really all that smart, they'da called me in the first place. And then they'd know that Colby never gets up before noon on Fridays."

Angel later explained that Evers' proclivity for sleeping in on Fridays is due to his Thursday night black tar heroin binges behind the dumpster of a nearby El Pollo Loco.

"Yeah, he likes to party," said Angel sighing resignedly, adding,  "Anyways...where my menthols at? Donnie! Donnie, where my MENTHOLS!" Upon taking a hasty drag from one of her cigarettes, Angel added, "And where's my baby at?" 

"How would I know - it's your bastard kid!" responded Evers.

Angel later recalled that her one-year-old daughter, Rumor, had spent the night with her former mother-in-law.  

The selection of Evers on Friday by the esteemed Swedish Academy in Stockholm was met with both surprise and dismay by many academics and media pundits alike. The complaints apparently stem from a notion that Evers, while possessing considerable talent, has yet to put that potential into action.

"Did he deserve it?" questioned Dr. Janson Sibering, a nuclear physicist who has been working in Nepal for the past six years, developing a mechanism that harnesses high altitude air molecules for use in single-cell fuel vehicles. "That's not really for me or anyone outside of the committee to say at this point, though I'm looking forward to the day when me or any of a number of my colleagues can finally receive some level of international recognition. Incidentally, would you mind passing me that box of Ramen noodles?"

"I don't think he necessarily received the award for what he has done as much as for his imagination and indomitable determination," said Mandrake Jespson, PhD, Director of Operations at the Frontier Science and Technology Research Foundation in Amherst, New York. I think it's clear to everyone, save for his harshest critics, that Colby Evers is the rarest of visionaries."

Jepson's comments were in direct reference to Evers' plan to one day build a "fuckin' kick-ass time machine that will take me back to before I hooked up with that Misty chick at Applebees happy hour who gave me genital warts." Added Evers, "I'm gonna do it, too. Just watch me. Go ahead - say I won't. Say I won't, bitch!"

Evers, who will receive his Nobel Prize on December 10 in Stockholm, was reportedly startled awake by Jakobson's call shortly after 1:30 P.M. Pacific Time to inform him of the news.

Said Evers, "At first, I thought it was my buddy, Tim, who does this awesome German dude impression, like the guy on the Foster's commercial. But then, when I found out it was some gay guy from France or wherever on the phone, I was kinda' bummed. But then when he said I won somethin', I thought that was kinda' cool. And then, when he said that I'd be gettin' lotsa' cash, I was all 'hell fuckin' yeah - gimme!' Anyways, I should get Tim over here so he can do that accent for you. It's fuckin' insane."

Moments after hanging up with Jakobson, an ebullient Evers assured reporters that he intended to use the "Good Angel Dust" to celebrate his accomplishment.

In 2006, Evers was also a finalist for the Nobel Prize in Science, when he cautioned a work colleague to "Never trust anything that bleeds for a week straight and still lives."

"Oh, that put him on the map," said Mandrake. "You don't just say something that brilliant and expect it to go unnoticed by the scientific community."

Evers is due to receive $1.4 million for his accomplishment. When apprised of his winnings and questioned as to the charity or foundation to which it might be bequeathed, Evers responded, "Uh, that would be the foundation to get Colby Evers fucked up tonight - Oww!" 

Later, when asked by phone as to whether he was humbled to receive such a rarefied honor, Evers replied, "Nope."