On Friday, local authorities acknowledged that San Diego County 911 dispatchers had received a series of listless calls from Randy Foster, a 31-year-old golf pro, reporting the incidence of "lame-ass paranormal disturbances" inside his Oceanside condominium.
911 dispatcher Doris McClellan, who received the first of four calls from Foster late Thursday night, said, "Normally when people call in, because they're so full of fear or anguish, they can barely even catch their breath. But this was different. When this guy called, he just seemed really, really disinterested - even bored."
Letting out a massive yawn while accessing his Blackberry to check the score of the Dodgers-Cardinals playoff game, an emotionally detached Foster said, "Truthfully, at first I was seriously debating about whether or not I should call 911. And I wouldn't have except for the fact that this thing was seriously working on my nerves - and has been for some time."
Foster explained that the paranormal force currently occupying his condominium is neither frightening nor destructive.
"It's not scary at all, unless you consider spontaneously lighting a single dining room candle terrifying. On the one hand, if I had a date over, maybe that would've been cool, but I was right in the middle of cleaning clumps of shit out of my cat's litter box at the time. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with a dinner candle at that point?"
Foster also recounted another incident that occurred Monday evening, upon his return from work. "I was all psyched to watch the Charger game on Monday Night Football: I'd just picked up an extra large pizza from Tony's and a six of Fat Tire. Then, when I walked into my place, my TV was already on - but it was tuned to C-SPAN. C-SPAN Book TV."
Foster explained that, after several minutes of trying to endure the programming, he attempted everything "short of throwing my new flat screen against the wall" to change the channel.
"I basically missed the entire game and instead got Phillip Roth babbling on about what it means to be a literary Jew in a post-9/11 world. At that point, I knew something had to be done about this stupid thing."
"But it's only gotten worse," Foster said, adding that the phantasm has even become "a little on the clingy side," referring to its penchant for laying out Foster's socks and underwear for the following day while he sleeps. "I mean, Jesus, I'm not four years old anymore."
All parties agree that the urgency of Foster's 911 calls increased significantly throughout the evening, as the poltergeist's activity grew in frequency and intensity.
Nevertheless, only one transcript of the calls has been released to the media, due to the sensitive nature of the subject matter, as well as the fear of copycats, which commonly follow sensational incidents.
The following exchange took place during Foster's fourth and final 911 call of the evening and was received by dispatcher LaWanda Chase at 3:16 A.M.
Chase: Yeah?
Foster: Wait, is this 911?
Chase: Um-hmm. What can I do for you, sir?
Foster: Hi, I just called about 20 minutes ago -
Chase: Your location, please.
Foster: 1112 Durham Street, Oceanside. I have a ghost -
Chase: You have a ghost?
Foster: I have a ghost. In my condo unit. Right now.
Chase: Sir -
Foster: I assure you, it's the real deal.
Chase: Sir, how would you even know if you've got a ghost in your house?
Foster: Do you hear that playing? (At this point, Foster holds the phone receiver to a stereo speaker, which emits Norah Jones' single "Come Away With Me.")
Chase: Is that Norah Jones? Ooh, I do not like her.
Foster: I know. Brutal, right?
Chase: Um-hmm. If that girl were black, we wouldn't even know who she is.
Foster: Thank you! But the problem is, I've never, ever owned a Norah Jones CD or a Norah Jones anything. Oh my God! Make it stop!
Chase: Sir, are you alone?
Foster: Yes. Please, just...The music! The boredom!
Chase: Sir? Sir, just hang on. We've already sent for help. Sir? (The music grows louder) Sir, where is the ghost now?
Foster: It just... (transcript interrupted by static)... living room setting up a game of Electronic Stratego! NO! PLEASE!
Chase: Sir! Sir, help's coming. If you can just convince it to put the Stratego back in the box, at least until help arrives - maybe set up a game of Cranium instead, if you have it. Are you there? Sir! (At this point, the transmission is cut off.)
Said McClellan, the first 911 dispatcher, "I actually thought it was a crank call at first. But then, when he described what was happening in his condo, I was like, 'oh shit.'"
McClellan was convinced, she said, when Foster recounted an extraordinarily bland sequence of paranormal occurrences.
"He said that, right before he'd called, it had just finished organizing a stack of grocery coupons by food group. And before that it had placed the cap back on his tube of toothpaste. I mean, why would anyone lie about something so lame?"
Foster said he knew something was amiss several months ago, when his Digital Video Recorder began to repeatedly record PBS programs such as "Masterpiece Theater" and "This Old House."
Said Foster, "Before that, I didn't even know what channel PBS was on, and now my TiVo's loaded to capacity with "Antiques Road Show.""
Foster continued. "First it was the cap on the toothpaste; then it kept changing the furniture layout in my dining room. And, granted, the room's more conducive to conversation now, but I'm a single guy: I need to be able to see the game from my recliner, which is now impossible because it's all the way off to the side."
Foster said he'd most characterize his overall experience in living with a paranormal as "disappointing," adding, "You'd hope that, if the ghost in your home isn't going to scare the living shit out of you, at the very least it would avoid pushing your buttons."
Earlier this month, Foster had awakened to see the word LLIK scrawled across his bathroom mirror in red permanent marker. "Which was a little weird," he said, adding, "But then I realized the ghost was trying to do that Redrum trick from "The Shining." Problem is, you need another mirror in the background for that - or else a word that makes sense when it's spelled backwards. So, not only is this thing unimaginative, but it also has zero understanding of reverse palindromes."
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