Colby Evers, a Murrieta, California resident and former employee of Golf 'n Splash Fun 'n Ride in nearby Riverside, was awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics Friday, just one week after being arrested for public drunkenness, disorderly conduct and indecent exposure outside a Dave and Buster's parking lot.
Evers was informed of his landmark achievement late Friday afternoon by his brother-in-law, Tanner, following a series of attempts by work colleagues, family members, ex-girlfriends, ex-wives, creditors, and former employers to contact the 32-year-old miniature gold attendant that proved unsuccessful.
Bjorn Jakobson, Communications Director for the Nobel Committee, admitted that Evers was "nearly impossible to contact."
"It ain't gonna do ya no good," shouted Cherish Angel to Evers' twin brother Donnie, as he made repeated attempts to contact the Nobel Prize winner via cell phone. Angel, a former professional dancer at Shifteez Juice Bar in Pomona, CA, who now collects unemployment due to a late-night performance mishap, is the Nobel winner's ex-common-law-wife. She now dates Donnie, her manager at Shifteez.
"I know him better'n anybody. Better'n you, better'n his numb nuts brother over there, and better'n all them skanky-assed whores he chases around that broke down amusement park. If them needle dicks (from the Nobel committee) were really all that smart, they'da called me in the first place. And then they'd know that Colby never gets up before noon on Fridays."
Angel later explained that Evers' proclivity for sleeping in on Fridays is due to his Thursday night black tar heroin binges behind the dumpster of a nearby El Pollo Loco.
"Yeah, he likes to party," said Angel sighing resignedly, adding, "Anyways...where my menthols at? Donnie! Donnie, where my MENTHOLS!" Upon taking a hasty drag from one of her cigarettes, Angel added, "And where's my baby at?"
"How would I know - it's your bastard kid!" responded Evers.
Angel later recalled that her one-year-old daughter, Rumor, had spent the night with her former mother-in-law.
The selection of Evers on Friday by the esteemed Swedish Academy in Stockholm was met with both surprise and dismay by many academics and media pundits alike. The complaints apparently stem from a notion that Evers, while possessing considerable talent, has yet to put that potential into action.
"Did he deserve it?" questioned Dr. Janson Sibering, a nuclear physicist who has been working in Nepal for the past six years, developing a mechanism that harnesses high altitude air molecules for use in single-cell fuel vehicles. "That's not really for me or anyone outside of the committee to say at this point, though I'm looking forward to the day when me or any of a number of my colleagues can finally receive some level of international recognition. Incidentally, would you mind passing me that box of Ramen noodles?"
"I don't think he necessarily received the award for what he has done as much as for his imagination and indomitable determination," said Mandrake Jespson, PhD, Director of Operations at the Frontier Science and Technology Research Foundation in Amherst, New York. I think it's clear to everyone, save for his harshest critics, that Colby Evers is the rarest of visionaries."
Jepson's comments were in direct reference to Evers' plan to one day build a "fuckin' kick-ass time machine that will take me back to before I hooked up with that Misty chick at Applebees happy hour who gave me genital warts." Added Evers, "I'm gonna do it, too. Just watch me. Go ahead - say I won't. Say I won't, bitch!"
Evers, who will receive his Nobel Prize on December 10 in Stockholm, was reportedly startled awake by Jakobson's call shortly after 1:30 P.M. Pacific Time to inform him of the news.
Said Evers, "At first, I thought it was my buddy, Tim, who does this awesome German dude impression, like the guy on the Foster's commercial. But then, when I found out it was some gay guy from France or wherever on the phone, I was kinda' bummed. But then when he said I won somethin', I thought that was kinda' cool. And then, when he said that I'd be gettin' lotsa' cash, I was all 'hell fuckin' yeah - gimme!' Anyways, I should get Tim over here so he can do that accent for you. It's fuckin' insane."
Moments after hanging up with Jakobson, an ebullient Evers assured reporters that he intended to use the "Good Angel Dust" to celebrate his accomplishment.
In 2006, Evers was also a finalist for the Nobel Prize in Science, when he cautioned a work colleague to "Never trust anything that bleeds for a week straight and still lives."
"Oh, that put him on the map," said Mandrake. "You don't just say something that brilliant and expect it to go unnoticed by the scientific community."
Evers is due to receive $1.4 million for his accomplishment. When apprised of his winnings and questioned as to the charity or foundation to which it might be bequeathed, Evers responded, "Uh, that would be the foundation to get Colby Evers fucked up tonight - Oww!"
Later, when asked by phone as to whether he was humbled to receive such a rarefied honor, Evers replied, "Nope."
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