French naval officers and their crew were visibly shaken yesterday after the seizure of 37 Somali sea pirates, who had previously been at large for the crimes of grand larceny, blackmail, and hostage abduction. French navy Counter Admiral Pierre La Pennes seemed to echo the sentiment of his bemused crew when he called the notorious Somali marauders "the most pathetic excuse for seagoing terrorists I've ever seen.
La Pennes added that he and his crew were confounded by the Somalis' uncharacteristic behavior and appearance.
"There wasn't a whole lot of pillaging or plundering going on here, at least on this ship," said the decorated French naval officer. "When we boarded the stolen vessel, the first thing their captain asked me was if any good indy films had come out in the past six months. I said "Precious" was supposed to be good, though I hadn't seen it yet. Then he showed me a bootleg copy of "Fantastic Mr. Fox" and said he was a huge fan of Wes Anderson, which I guess is fine. But what's so piratey about that?"
"So much for yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum," said Jacque Breau, the French navy ship's First Petty Officer, who, in the process of apprehending the alleged pirates, first had to interrupt a crew-wide Wii Fit tournament.
Said Breau, "I said, 'Let's go, let's go: I'm arresting all your asses,' and they just kept turning to me and saying, 'In a minute - just until we unlock side lunges.'"
As they vetted the pirate's vessel, a stolen commerial yacht named Altania, the French crew discovered food provisions that included Healthy Choice Stuffed Shells Dinners, Kashi Go Lean Crunch cereal, and Trader Joe's Fair Trade Organic Coffee. Said the Somali captain, "If I don't have at least two cups of that black gold in the morning, I'm absolutely worthless."
"I think we all knew we were in for big-time disappointment when, upon apprehending Captian Damimi, he said he had to go back to his cabin to get his Claritin," said Breau.
La Pennes described the seizure of the notorious Damimi as "anti-climactic, at best," adding, "At first, he was holed up in the bottom cabin. We caught the unmistakable smell of death emanating from in there and just assumed there were dead bodies in there, too. But, when we busted the door open, he was just standing there in his skinny jeans, Converse Chuck's, and Wilco concert T warming up a pot of Topramen and listening to Indy-rock on his I-tunes. No dead bodies, no hostages, no piles of unmarked bills - just Cat Power playing softly in the background. The lack of carnage and senseless violence was just sickening. After this spectacle, none of us will ever be the same."
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