Flanked by Senior White House Advisor David Axelrod and White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, President Obama formally announced Wednesday that, beginning in November of 2010, the quintessentially American holiday known as Thanksgiving will have its name permanently changed to This Sucks Day.
Standing in the White House Rose Garden amid scores of schoolchildren clad in pilgrim outfits and Native American head dress, Obama added that the holiday's date will still be observed on the final Thursday in November of each year and will continue largely unaltered, aside from the obvious name change and "a few minor modifications."
"There are two great things about national holidays," said Obama. "One is that they offer us a snapshot in time of our entire culture. Another is that, while great, they often evolve, improving with age, becoming more inclusive and rich with a whole array of new customs and traditions. Except for Columbus Day."
Obama, suffering through a precipitous decline in his overall approval ratings, rationalized his decision to have the 250-year-old national holiday re-named by asserting that "Right now, the American public is having to endure a perfect storm of unfortunate circumstances, and it's important for people to feel as though they have a personal stake in this great country once again."
Obama added, "As for the continuing traditions of Thanksgi - er - This Sucks Day, we'll let the people decide which ones fall by the wayside and which ones remain firmly embedded in the fabric of this country's rich cultural tapestry."
The permanent name change, a cross-promotion between the Obama administration, Yahoo, and the Wendy's hamburger chain, was chosen via a poll over past week by users visiting Yahoo's home page or customers patronizing participating Wendy's restaurants. User interest had initially flagged, due to a concurrent Yahoo poll asking "Who's hotter: Taylor or Robert?" But after that poll ended and then another one - which asked "What's your favorite color?" - concluded a day later, the Thanksgiving name change poll gathered significant momentum.
And the new name seems to have captured many of the fears and insecurities of a nation in turmoil. Rex Davies, an unemployed laborer from Fresno, California embraced it unequivocally. "Well it's true, ain't it? The economy sucks, the war in Iran sucks, my job sucks, my wife doesn't suck, my house sucks, Obama sucks, and them Moslems suck. My only question is, what doesn't suck - other than Hot Pockets?"
Said Bruce Pallard, a 45-year-old former DMV Worker from Orlando, Florida, who is currently housebound, "I bought some of those Lean Cuisines, on account of my morbid obesity; even though on the box it says cooks in 3-4 minutes, when I took 'em out of the microwave, all six of them was luke warm! So then I was all, screw this noise, I'm gonna get me some Hometown."
Donya West, a senior at Kennedy High School in La Jolla, California, also approved of the name change. "I hate having to be thankful every single year. Why should I when everything always sucks so bad. Like, I download two apps yesterday and now somehow they both don't show up on my I-phone - as in neither one. By the way, don't get an I-phone, unless you want at least one dropped call a week. It's friggin' pathetic. Everyone at Apple and AT&T needs to get blown up."
Homemaker Heather Cummings, from Manhattan Beach, CA is credited with the suggestion of This Sucks Day and says its inspiration derived from her dissatisfaction with her cable service. "I had just gotten into a big argument with my nanny over her bringing the kids home too soon, and I just needed to to center myself before having to look at their faces for the rest of the day. So, right as I sat down to watch my Tivo'd Dr. Phil, the cable went completely out. Completely. For seven minutes - I timed it.
Cummings added that the temporary outage had been due to a Comcast maintenance worker's fatal electrocution while tending to a live cable wire.
Said a somber Brian Roberts, Comcast Cable's acting president and CEO, from his holiday compound in Martha's Vinyard, "For some reason, that entire street was not receiving Encore Wam in hi-def, which is obviously unacceptable. So we had one of our best people go up and check on the wire connection and, well, the wire wasn't connected."
"And that's unfortunate," said Cummings, "but it's no reason to leave your customers lurching in the wind for seven straight minutes without any explanation or apology. And that's when it occurred to me: This sucks."
The holiday's newfound spirit was instantly evident in a West Los Angeles Gap clothing store, as frazzled employees girded for the store's annual black friday sale extravaganza.
Customer Maria Watkins, a consultant from Culver City CA, said, "So they have signs all over the store that say, '50% off all sweaters of every size and color.' So, okay, I go through their stack of cardigans. They have my size, but not in gray. So then, walk all the way across the width of the store to tell the sales girl, who tells me that everything they have is out on the floor. So I tell her to check the stock room; she insists there are no more sweaters back there. So I tell her to check again. So she does. And then, a whole five minutes later, she comes back to tell me that - and get this - there are no more sweaters of any kind in the stock room! All that waiting for nothing! She said she could call the Sherman Oaks Gap to see if they had any in stock, but, in all honesty, I only go into the Valley to get my Mexican food or my brakes checked."
Watkins' eyes filled with tears of frustration. "So here I am, standing in the middle of a crowded Gap, amidst all these signs that tell me I can have any sweater I want, in any color - only they don't have gray. How do you have..."
Watkins then gathered a stack of sweaters and, one-by-one. flung them across the store. "...tope, and beige, and bright green, and whore red but not gray? How? This completely sucks. Day ruined."
As Watkins stormed out, Benjamin Simon, an optometrist from nearby Silver Lake, claimed that he had been waiting four minutes for a fitting room to try on a assortment of striped henleys. "I will walk out," Simon insisted, "Just try me."
And at a nearby Macaroni Grill restaurant, patron Peter Barnes fumed over the artificial sweetener options inside his table's sugar caddy. "I asked specifically for Stevia," said Barnes. "and so the waiter brings me back a handful of - get this - Equal. Not Splenda, not Truvia. Nope. He comes back after god-knows-how-long and gives me a handful of these cancer packets. That's great. I hope they plan on footing the bill for my chemo. Oh, and in case anyone needed to know, this place sucks."
Not surprisingly, many families gathering for early Thanksgiving festivities had decided to embrace the holiday's new name change and spirit a year ahead of time. The holiday's nascent traditions were evident at the Pierce family's dinner table, as the Roanoke, Virginia family joined hands for grace.
"Let us all take a moment," said Donovan Pierce, a software developer and father of four, "to project all of our bitterness, disappointment, and resentment unto all the people and forces in this universe that are responsible for our lives' complete lack of joy and meaning. Especially God. Amen."
Nonetheless, for many traditionalists, the impetus behind the name-change was initially unclear. "I've always found it important to be able to reflect on Thanksgiving as a time for clarity, for perspective, and for appreciation for what one does have," said Elmer DuPree, a 61-year-old former POW of theVietnam War, from his room at James A. Haley Veteran's Hospital in Tampa, Florida.
"Back in Hanoi, when the Cong was snuffing out lit cigarettes on my already decaying flesh, I was downright unhappy," said DuPree. "And then, when they put me in solitary confinement for three years, with no human contact whatsoever, well, let's just say I was pretty down in the dumps over that, too. But going through all that just helps me appreciate how good I have it right now."
DuPree then looked up, staring blankly out his window. "On the other hand, the fact that this godforsaken shithole has only seven Wi-fi hot spots has scarred my in ways that you can't even fathom."
According to Yahoo's polling results, the name This Sucks Day received a 22 percent share of the votes, edging out This Is Stupid Day (18 percent), What Are You Looking At Day (14 percent), It Is What It Is Day (12 percent), Bring It, Bitches Day (10 percent) WTF??!! Day (8 percent), Seriously: What's In It For Me Day (6 percent) Don't Go Their (sic) Day (5 percent), This is Boring Day (3 percent) and Ooh, Tater Tots Day (1 percent)
Although Obama has chosen to take a hands-off approach to officially instituting new traditions for This Sucks Day, members of both Houses of Congress had resolved late Wednesday evening to forgo their brief holiday recess, instead allotting the time to carve out non-binding legislation that establishes and reinforces the holiday's newest observance guidelines.
This is more like it, said ebullient House Minority leader John Boehner (R-Ohio). "Regulating the activities and behaviors of corporations and institutions is irresponsible, heavy-handed, Socialistic, and anti-American. Regulating the activities and behaviors of individual citizens, on the other hand, is what this country was founded upon. God bless America."
When it was suggested that the morale of American citizens might benefit equally - if not more so - from tax rebates, harsher punishments placed on unethical corporate CEOs, or free universal health care - White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said, "Hmm, that's funny: I thought someone said, just before the briefing, that they wanted Bono tickets. I guess that was just my imagination."
I don't really think that the american people can benefit from anything which is related to changes in the taxation as they probably will be related only with increasing tax levels
Posted by: holiday rentals london | October 11, 2011 at 02:23 AM