A recent report sponsored by the Federal Transportation Bureau has determined that the act of text-messaging is the most dangerous of activities performed while in the act of driving, followed closely by watching television, doing Tai Bow, performing squat-thrusts, driving with one's eyes completely shut, and engaging in a sexual act commonly known as "eating ass."
The national study, conducted over a two-year span, recorded the behavior of over 80 thousand drivers as they navigated their respective vehicles to various destinations within the continental U.S. Over the course of the study, each vehicle crash, injury, and fatality was linked to its driver's behavior at the time of the incident.
Said Timothy Brownlow, administrative director of the FTB, "A great deal of work has gone into this study, and we can now say, with quite a bit of confidence, that drivers have become far too distracted overall."
Also, of considerable concern to Brownlow are the types of activities in which drivers are all-too-commonly engaged. "People are literally watching TV shows on their I-pods while driving 70 miles-per-hour on the freeway. That is just recklessly dangerous." Even more ominous, said Brownlow, was the study's finding that 20 percent of the I-pod viewers were watching "Saving Grace." I realize the collection of TV programming available on I-tunes is still a work in progress," said a somber Brownlow, "But "Saving Grace"? That's just inexcusable."
Added Robert Plasky, Northeast regional director of the FTB, "Tim's absolutely right on the money with his assessment. Chances are pretty good that if you're speeding down the freeway while watching TV, you're going to die. Why someone would want their final image to be Holly Hunter's haggard, hollowed-out scowl staring them directly in the face, I have no idea."
The response from the text-messaging community has been swift and clamorous. "They're just mad 'cause they're old and they don't even know how to text," said Jessica Ralston, a 20-year-old senior at Van Nuys High School, a suburb of Los Angeles. "When I get my license back, I'm gonna text twice as much, just to piss 'em off. And then I'm gonna get a fuckin' tattoo."
James Reese, a 24-year-old sales representative for AT&T, who admits to occasionally text-messaging while in transit, agreed. "Why are they singling us out? I've never been in an accident while texting. But my cousin Johnny eats out ass all the time while driving, and he's been in like 6 different accidents. So what about the ass-eaters?"
Indeed, while a less frequent activity, the crash fatality rate for individuals who eat ass while driving is 42 percent, 10 percentage points higher than those who drive while huffing nail polish remover and 12 percentage points higher than text-messagers.
Concluded Plasky, "Sadly, slowly we're drowning in a sea of idiots."

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