Creaky Wheel

Text-Messaging, Ass-Eating Among Deadliest Driving Activities

A recent report sponsored by the Federal Transportation Bureau has determined that the act of text-messaging is the most dangerous of activities performed while in the act of driving, followed closely by watching television, doing Tai Bow, performing squat-thrusts, driving with one's eyes completely shut, and engaging in a sexual act commonly known as "eating ass."

The national study, conducted over a two-year span, recorded the behavior of over 80 thousand drivers as they navigated their respective vehicles to various destinations within the continental U.S. Over the course of the study, each vehicle crash, injury, and fatality was linked to its driver's behavior at the time of the incident.

Said Timothy Brownlow, administrative director of the FTB, "A great deal of work has gone into this study, and we can now say, with quite a bit of confidence, that drivers have become far too distracted overall."

Also, of considerable concern to Brownlow are the types of activities in which drivers are all-too-commonly engaged. "People are literally watching TV shows on their I-pods while driving 70 miles-per-hour on the freeway. That is just recklessly dangerous." Even more ominous, said Brownlow, was the study's finding that 20 percent of the I-pod viewers were watching "Saving Grace." I realize the collection of TV programming available on I-tunes is still a work in progress," said a somber Brownlow, "But "Saving Grace"? That's just inexcusable."

Added Robert Plasky, Northeast regional director of the FTB, "Tim's absolutely right on the money with his assessment. Chances are pretty good that if you're speeding down the freeway while watching TV, you're going to die. Why someone would want their final image to be Holly Hunter's haggard, hollowed-out scowl staring them directly in the face, I have no idea."

The response from the text-messaging community has been swift and clamorous. "They're just mad 'cause they're old and they don't even know how to text," said Jessica Ralston, a 20-year-old senior at Van Nuys High School, a suburb of Los Angeles. "When I get my license back, I'm gonna text twice as much, just to piss 'em off. And then I'm gonna get a fuckin' tattoo."

James Reese, a 24-year-old sales representative for AT&T, who admits to occasionally text-messaging while in transit, agreed. "Why are they singling us out? I've never been in an accident while texting. But my cousin Johnny eats out ass all the time while driving, and he's been in like 6 different accidents. So what about the ass-eaters?"

Indeed, while a less frequent activity, the crash fatality rate for individuals who eat ass while driving is 42 percent, 10 percentage points higher than those who drive while huffing nail polish remover and 12 percentage points higher than text-messagers.

Concluded Plasky, "Sadly, slowly we're drowning in a sea of idiots."

Father of Four Critically Wounded by Palin's Lapel Pin

Joseph Markowski, an electrician and father of four, was still listed in critical but stable condition Friday evening after incurring a massive head wound from Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin's careening American Flag pendant. The glittering, 18-pound object hurtled into a crowd of avid supporters listening to the Alaska governor's animated stump speech in Madison, Wisconsin.

"I knew something was wrong, even moments before the incident," said a distraught Palin, choking back tears. "I was just about to explain to everyone what an incredible educational benefit it is for high school students to be learning about the cohabitation of Jesus and stegasauruses in their science classes when, out of nowhere, I suddenly felt a lot less patriotic. It was then that I realized my flag pin was gone."

Palin's future son-in-law, Levi Johnston, who has been accompanying the Palin family on the campaign trail for the past several weeks, instantly shot out of his seat in concern for the fallen electrician. "OH SNAP!" He shouted, gesticulating wildly at a convulsing Markowski. "That flag thingy just shish-kabobbed that old dude right through his grill! Motherfuckah (sic) got punked!"

Then, ripping off his shirt and pointing to a tattoo of the state of Missouri on his lower abdomen, Johnston glared at the crowd of onlookers and yelled, "Dats (sic) hows we rolls in the A.K., bitches! Hells...fuckin'... yeah!"

Palin, who purchased the diamond, ruby, and rhinestone-studded trinket from The Flag Barn, of Lubbock Texas, said that, because of time restrictions, she and her aides had eliminated their normal routine of safeguarding the accessory by running 14 gauge galvanized steel cable, first through a cinder block stationed on the ground, and then back up through a small opening in the pendant's clasp.

Unfortunately for Palin, the glittering pendant shook loose during her impassioned speech and quickly become a dangerous projectile, as its protruding, 8-inch pin shot through the air, maiming its victim - perhaps fatally.

To add apparent insult to injury, a panel of preliminary forensics tests have shown that the pendant's pin had been treated with stricnine - a deadly toxin used to exterminate rats that is also fatal if ingested by humans - in the earlier manufacturing stages of the jewelry.

When questioned about this unusual practice, Dolly Shrader, co-owner of The Flag Barn, said, "We pretty much manufacture all of our American Flag, crucifix, and two gay men destroying the sanctity of traditional marriage pendants with the stricnine-dipped pin." When asked why such a dangerous practice was commonplace in the manufacturing of The Flag Barn's jewelry, Shrader responded with, "No real reason, I guess. We just do."

Fed Denies Bailout of Lehman, AIG, Tito's Kwik Loan

Financial markets plummeted on Monday with Treasury Secretary Henry J. Paulson's announcement that the government would not act to rescue several investment giants from the brink of collapse.

As the closing bell sounded on Wall Street, 158-year-old investment bank Lehman Bros. Holdings Inc. was headed for certain bankruptcy while insurance giant AIG teetered ominously in that direction. However, unlike in the cases of lumbering financial institutions Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, both Lehman and AIG were left to crumble, sans government intervention.

Said an irate Lehman CEO Richard S. Fuld Jr., "So let me get this straight: They bail out Fannie and Freddie last week, to the tune of 600 billion dollars - institutions that are mostly noted for giving drunk undergrads loans to buy shitty pot, beer bongs and rubbers with. But a financial institution that's been around since, oh, the Lincoln administration - no dice. Okay. Got it. Makes perfect sense."

Some smaller, though still influential, financial institutions, battered by the domino effect of the sub-prime mortgage crises, were also left to fend for themselves Monday. "Alls I know is, if I were Paulson, I'd watch my polyester-pleated ass," warned Tito Ferrari, co-proprietor of Tito's Kwik Loan, Bail Bonds, and Bait Shop in El Segundo, California. "Here's a guy who's got no idea idea what it's like to be a pillar of the community. Sure, I've busted a few spleens in my time - and I've stolen some newborn babies as collateral. But, bottom line is, me and Nicolai provide a much needed service in that, unlike those huge, multi-national banks, we actually keep money flowing throughout the nieghborhood. He then added, "Mark my words: the minute we go down, the people of this neighborhood go right back to cutting their crank with turpentine and Hi-C Ecto Cooler."

Said Ferrari's business partner, Nicolai Vladmishenko, "We put on telethon this Sunday on local ABC affiliate, on behalf of business. We encourage all to watch and give what they can. Rick Shroeder will be M.C."

Embattled Mortgage Giants to Offer More Lollipops, Smiles

In an attempt to rescue mortgage companies Fannie Mae and Freddie Mack from the brink of collapse Sunday, U.S. Treasury Secretary, Henry Paulson, announced that the federal government would act as conservators for the two companies by using government money to keep each afloat.

Both companies have become unstable due to the sub-prime mortgage crisis and subsequent plummeting real estate market. Additionally, each company's CEO has also been accused of accepting exceedingly large bonuses while their companies founder.

As part of the deal, Paulson stipulated that, to make good on their end, the two corporations would be legally obligated to offer their investors and customers an assortment of bubble gum, licorice, chocolate kisses, and lollipops. "And not those cheap doctor's office lollipops," warned Paulson. "We're talking Tootsie Pops, we're talking Blow Pops. I mean, people's lives have been devastated here." Added Paulson, "And I also think the victims of this crisis deserve a little more sunshine to be thrown their way. Remember, smiles are free."

Paulson, in referring to the millions of homeowners who have defaulted on their mortgages over the past year, said he hoped that the bailout would serve as a cautionary tale.

"First of all, know your financial limitations," said Paulson. "It's pretty simple. If you're filling out a loan application and you put down a guy named Biggie X as one of your references, stay in your trailer. At least for now." He then added, "Also, if your loan officer works out of, say, the back of a taco truck, it might serve you well to go elsewhere."

"The guy told us that if the interest went up, the fairies would pay for the rest of it," said former homeowner Les Alstott of his variable interest mortgage loan. "When the rates went up, I waited and waited; but no fairies. So I lit myself on fire so they could see me better. Thus the no hair anywhere on my body situation."

Paulson also ripped into both companies' CEOs, saying that they failed at their moral responsibility to consider the consumer's best interest in their business dealings. "In short, you guys were being big, fat jerkheads. And for that, I'm not going to be your best friend anymore."

Man Driving Black Mercedes' Masculinity Unthreatened by Passing Hyundai

Riding behind the wheel of a shiny new black Mercedes Benz E-class, 41-year-old Barry Walters was passed by a young woman driving a 2002 Hyundai Sonata yesterday afternoon, on Ventura Boulevard in Encino, California. The incident occurred soon after Walters, driving in the left lane, signaled prior to switching into the right lane. The Sonata, originally driving behind Walters' Mercedes, then accelerated as it passed on the left.

Despite the grave nature of the incident, Walters did not react to the woman in the Sonata. Instead, he continued driving, eventually turning into a Petco parking lot.

The young woman driving the Sonata could not be reached for comment. However, Debbie Oliver, who witnessed the incident from her Honda Civic, was baffled. "The second she passed him, I was like, Oh my crap - this thing has all the makings: Guy's driving a black, spotless Benz, has a comb-over, and just might be Israeli. But then, nothing. No unbridled rage, no wild tailgating, no crazy hand gestures. He just - I don't know -kept on driving. Honestly, I was all coked-out through the 80's, and I did and saw some crazy (expletive deleted), but this takes the cake by far."

In the wake of the incident, Bystanders and onlookers were also left feeling befuddled and strangely out of place. "I feel like I just saw Big Foot riding side-saddle on a unicorn," said Miguel Santos, a 32-year-old restaurant manager from Virginia who is vacationing in Southern California with his two children. "Even my kids are stunned - my little Jorge just asked me, 'Daddy, how come everything in California is opposite?' I just told him that it's like one big, non-stop ride at Disney Land...But the bottom line is we're all left standing here, trying to make sense of it all."