Creaky Wheel

Proposition 8, Other Biblical Ballot Measures Get Voter Approval

Conservative Christians, the Church of Latter Day Saints and many of California's religious faithful rejoiced this week as a series of key ballot propositions with strong roots in the Old and New Testaments were given voter approval on Election Day. The six biblical propositions placed on this year's ballot owe their success in part to the enormous political clout of faith-based organizations.

The passage of the proposals sent a powerful message to fellow citizens and lawmakers alike that the divide between church and state should be blurred, if not completely removed.

Perhaps the most controversial ballot initiative, Proposition 8, which will now ban homosexual marriage throughout the state, passed by a slim two percent margin and continues to polarize the California electorate.  

Said Jeremy Rogers, a bartender from Riverside, "It's a huge relief that gays aren't going to be given the right to marry each other. Marriage is a sacred institution, meant to bind the love between a man and a woman through holy matrimony - even when that woman is a filthy, vile crab farm who blows your best man in the back seat of his '95 Sebring on the night of your wedding. But God I do love her."

Said Tim Morris, a postal worker from Torrance, "I'm a closeted homosexual myself and yet I've just recently reached that point in my life where I'm ready for a stable marriage and family. But now that I don't have a choice in the matter, I'm going to go out and find myself a beautiful female bride, which I'm told will also make me a lot less faggy." He then added, "I can still get hand jobs from dudes, though, right?" 

"I get this feeling that most of the people voting in favor of Prop. 8 are freaked out about their own sexuality, probably due to something that happened to them when they were growing up," said Michael Silva of Walnut Creek. "So basically that means now we're being penalized for all the creepy uncles out there who lured the neighborhood kids with Bit-O-Honeys and cajoled them into playing naked Vasoline twister back in the day. That doesn't seem very fair."

Added Silva, "You know, sometimes people treat us like we're aliens or something. But, at the end of the day, we're just like straight people - except with far better taste, manners, and wit. Oh, and we're generally better educated. And more affluent. And way hotter." 

Stereo blaring, TV executive Jay Phillips veered his VW Bug into the lot at NBC Universal and became incensed when questioned as to whether he feels slighted by the approval of Proposition 8. "For the third time," he shouted, "I'm not gay, okay? I just happen to think Cher is an extremely talented performer - and even more so when her music is sped up and given a throbbing techno beat."

The remaining biblical propositions proved far less controversial, however. For example, each of the two stoning measures on the ballot - propositions 16 and 17, respectively - passed by wide margins. Proposition 16, a measure that will subject all children who disobey one or both of their parents to "the incessant pummeling of hurled projectiles - borne of shale, granite, or sandstone - 'till eternal slumber," passed by a stunning 21 percent margin. Proposition 17, a measure dedicated to the "...punishment by death of all heathens possessed with the nefarious impudence to labor on the day of our goodly sabbath," passed by a 13 percent margin. 

In addition, both whore propositions also passed by significant margins. Proposition 11, which permits "...death by furious scourge at the hands of thy male master" to all women who disobey their boyfriends or husbands" passed by a 12 percent margin. The slightly more controversial Proposition 15, which passed by a 6 percent margin of victory after a flurry of last-minute TV and radio advertisements, mandates  "...an insufferable pox upon all unmarried non-virgins...followed by taunting, stoning and then, finally, squashing by a fallen piano." 

Finally, the one pro-slavery measure on this year's ballot, Proposition 22a - a "yes" or "no" vote - predictably passed by a substantial margin. However, for some voters, the convoluted wording of the proposal gave them pause prior to marking their ballots. 

Said Jake Horton, voting from his polling location in Redlands, "The wording on the ballot says, "One may flog a slave repeatedly and viciously until submission or death." So 'a slave.' Does that mean that I'm only allowed to whip one slave at a time? Or is it that only one person can whip a slave at a time? And if my slave cries out for mercy or passes out from the intensity of his pain, does that mean I can't keep whipping him? These are important questions."

Horton continued. "I mean, I went to community college, so obviously I have a pretty good grasp of civil law. But my fear is that most voters interpret this as it's not okay to whip more than one slave at a time into defeated submission, which would just be a tragedy for the biblical grass-roots movement here in California. It's only ethical for them to make sure these things are clearly written prior to such an important vote."

That slavery is currently illegal in the nation made surprisingly little difference to the typically progressive-minded Californians in the voting booth. And many analysts agree that a pro-slavery amendment such as Prop. 22a - one that is rooted in the The Old Testament's fundamental laws - will make its outright legalization imminent. 

Said Marlene Hopkins, a 52-year-old African American elementary schoolteacher from Glendale, "Voting against sissy-boys marrying each other is one thing. But I've never been so uncertain about a proposition as I was just a minute ago when I voted yes on 22a. I guess maybe my ambivalence stems from the hundred-plus years of rape, murder, enslavement, and oppression of black people that's embedded in our country's history. But, on the other hand, The Bible says it's okay, so what am I all worried about?"

Moments later, as she exited her polling location, Hopkins asked, "Just to make sure, when they say slavery, they don't mean blacks, right?"

McCain to Voters: Don't be Seduced by Obama's Eloquence, Intelligence, Competence

On the day of perhaps the most monumental presidential election in recent American history, Republican candidate John McCain made a last ditch appeal to voters to avoid being enticed by his Democratic rival's seemingly impressive combination of intellectual prowess and leadership skills.

"Is he eloquent? Absolutely," said McCain in a rare Election Day stump speech given at 6 A.M. to a row of customers lined up outside a Tampa-area Best Buy waiting to purchase the DVD release of "Small Wonder: Season 2." 

Added McCain, "Is he level-headed? Clearly. Intelligent? Far more so than I am or ever will be. Thoughtful and measured in his decision-making? That too." Then, in his preferred conversational style, the longtime Arizona Senator entered the line and engaged one particular customer. 

"Sir, would you mind if I asked you a personal question? Sir, did you bathe today?"

"No."

"Yesterday? Be honest."

"I sprayed the inside of my underpants with Fabreeze and ate three boxes of Mentos."

"I see. That's fantastic. But did you know, sir, that Senator Obama bathes every single day - sometimes twice in one day? Pretty elitist, huh?"

"Uh, I guess. Sort of."

McCain continued. "But let me ask you this, my friends: Do you really want a leader of the free world who is this far out on the extremes of excellence? Doesn't it make you just slightly uncomfortable that this is a guy who has probably doubled - and more than likely tripled - most of your I.Q.'s? Being smart is fine. Being brilliant? Un-American and unbecoming of the highest office in politics."

William Davies, a pharmaceutical test trial subject from St. Petersburg, said, "When I heard Obama had a 130 I.Q., I was like damn. I'd always just assumed a hundred was perfect. Back in my sixth year of junior high, they told me I got a 60 on my I.Q. test and I was like, cool - I passed! But this guy's smart. Too smart. Faggot. "

Said Dora Nichols, a DirecTV customer service agent from Tampa, "Don't like how he always has to, you know...He speaks like, uh, you know - that thing. Complete sentences. Uses 'em lots. Thinks he's better'n rest of us. Not fair. Sleepy...confused...go now..." 

One of the Obama campaign's biggest concerns has been the possible adverse reaction by the electorate to his facility with language, his seemingly unflappable poise, and the ease with which he conveys his ideas. To this point, these skills - which in most industrialized nations are valued in leaders - have not proven deleterious to the Democratic Senator's presidential run. In fact, many voters have even overlooked the fact that he does not drink his dinner directly out of a Chef Boyardee can.

Despite these initial concerns by the Obama camp - and despite McCain's last-minute attempt to raise doubt among skeptical voters - media pundits have largely praised Obama's prodigious skill set.

"In all my one year of covering presidential elections," said MSNBC commentator Rachel Maddow, "I've yet to observe a Democratic candidate who's so polished, so competent, and so ready to lead. When Kerry ran in '04 I was like, 'Oh man, now here's a guy who looks like he's been isolated in a 4' by 8' cell for ten years and forced to listen to Phil Collins' "No Jacket Required" on a continual loop. Not so with Obama - the guy's just firing on all cylinders. And, incidentally, his woman's got one sweet badonkadonk on her: this here's a guy who's getting' the good stuff."

"Hah!" guffawed Maddow's colleague, Chris Matthews. "I gotta' go with Rachel on this one. She's right - Kerry was a joke. And for all the great things Gore's done since then, in 2000 he just made himself look like a big white homo...but this Obama kid is something special. He's electric, intelligent, cool, and tough. Basically, he's Bobby Kennedy combined with that guy with the gold teeth and the clocks around his neck."

PBS Rolls Out "Stop! Wait! Pleeeease Don't Vote!" Campaign

In an effort to counteract the current panoply of national voter registration drives, the Public Broadcasting Service announced yesterday that it will implement the country's first known anti-voting campaign for the final days of this year's presidential battle between U.S. Senators  Barack Obama and John McCain. According to PBS executives, the main focus of the push will be to stem the deluge of ill-informed, ill-prepared and clinically retarded citizens, who have swelled voter registration rolls, from casting ballots on Election Day.

In a press conference held at PBS headquarters in Arlington, Virginia, spokesperson Rachel Burris explained PBS' strategy. "PBS has long provided citizens with the news, culture, and political discourse that are so vital to a thriving democracy; in this sense, we are stalwart champions of enlightenment and staunch opponents of ignorance. Therefore, we feel that it is our duty to the public - and to the global community - to prevent as many of these dumb motherfuckers from casting ballots as is humanly possible."

Indeed, recent polls suggest that many U.S. citizens are lacking even the most rudimentary knowledge of civics, geography, science, and mathematics. 

As a result, 51 percent of all Americans reject the theory of evolution, 57 percent cannot name one supreme court justice, and 32 percent cannot identify the current U.S. vice-president.

Even more distressing, 32 percent of Americans identify Malaysia not as a Southeast Asian country but as a desirable name for a female child, 53 percent think Niger is a racial epithet, 34 percent think that Liberia is the region of the female anatomy located just north of the clitoris, and 60 percent cannot locate Iraq on a map of the Middle East.

On a positive note, 77 percent of all Americans can locate Iraq on a map, providing the map consists of one country.  

"Jesus and Mary in a hot tub," squawked longtime PBS news analyst Bill Moyers when apprised of these statistics. "Growing up in Oklahoma, you'd think I'd be immune to the abysmal stupidity of most Americans by now. But you've really got to scratch your head when a person would name their baby daughter Malaysia. That's flat-out child abuse." 

Moyers, along with PBS colleagues Gwen Ifill, Tavis Smiley, Ray Suarez, Jim Lehrer, and David Broncaccio, plan on spending the entire weekend canvassing Ohio and Pennsylvania, two swing states whose victory is requisite for a presidential victory. Speaking to a group of undecided voters outside an Applebees restaurant in Akron Ohio, a fatigued but resolute Ifill said, "Our message to you is clear: If it's taken you this long to figure out which of these candidates is the one who best represents your political and social views, please do this country and the rest of this world a favor: Stay the fuck home! Now say it with me: Stay the fuck home! Stay the fuck home! Stay the fuck home!" 

Ifill's call was quickly adopted by the crowd and soon resonated throughout the parking lot. Within several minutes, the chants gained momentum and were said to be heard a mile away, over the din of a sold-out Styx reunion tour concert at the Montgomery County Fairgrounds.  

Sitting at a nearby Stop! Wait! Pleeeease Don't Vote! promotional table, journalists Tavis Smiley and David Broncaccio offered free Hometown Buffet coupons, 12-gauge shotgun shells, morning-after pills, and bags of Funyons and Spicy Hot Cheetos to individuals willing to sign a sworn affidavit pledging their abstention from voting on Election Day. 

The shotgun shells went first, followed by all 200 remaining items.

Said Broncoccio, "Who knew that people would be willing to sell their most fundamental right as Americans for a box of shotgun ammo?" After pausing pensively, he then added, "Uh, well, it seems like we knew. I guess that's sort of why we're here."

Added an optimistic Smiley, "I know we're swimming against the current with our campaign, but this gives me a profound sense of hope for our nation. After today, the biggest winner is the future of the United States of America."

And the biggest loser? 

"Anything cute and furry that walks on all fours around here."

But Burris and other PBS officials conceded that their challenge is daunting, if not impossible. The Choose or Lose campaign, for example, a voter registration program initiated by the cable giant MTV, has the benefit of years of corporate nurturing, myriad celebrity endorsements, and seemingly unlimited funds from parent company Viacom. "Basically, with Choose or Lose and Rock the Vote, we're up against two media juggernauts," said Burris. "We can state our case as rationally and convincingly as possible to the public, but the nanosecond that that MTV whorehouse on wheels sleazes around the bend, we're basically done for."

Still, it hasn't been for lack of effort. In fact, on Saturday afternoon, PBS journalists Charlie Rose, Ray Suarez, and Jim Lehrer, who in their off-time comprise the death metal trio "Flagellation Thong Machine," performed for more than a thousand ambivalent voters at a J.C. Penny's parking lot in State College, Pennsylvania. 

Between songs, Suarez, clad in an orange mohawk, innumerable body piercings, and a neon yellow g-string, yelled defiantly into the crowd from the precipice of the stage. "Do us all a big favor," he snarled. "If you pieces of syphilitic shit really, sincerely wanna' have yourselves heard on Election Day, just fart. Trust me, the result will be a lot less foul than the alternative."  

Gallup Poll: Batshit Insane Prefer McCain Over Obama

Results of the latest Gallup/USA Today presidential poll were released to the media Thursday, revealing a stark contrast between the two presidential hopefuls’ respective voting demographics, and giving Republican candidate John McCain’s flagging campaign a possible last-minute jolt.

The poll, given over a five-day span, beside the Cumberland Corners mini-mall in Pomona California, surveyed a broad spectrum of registered voters on their overall attitudes toward the two major candidates. The venue, chosen for its diverse cross-section of customers, comprises an eclectic assortment of businesses - including Tino’s Bail Bonds, Nika’s Nails and Rub, !Video Store Now, and You Get Me Donuts.

The poll’s lopsided results sent shock waves through both presidential campaigns.

“If this data’s accurate, then it’s distressing news for us,” said Obama campaign pollster Cornell Belcher. “We still feel like we have strong momentum going forward, but lets face it: the batshit insane demographic is critical and is something Senator Obama’s been working hard for.” Belcher later added, “Swing voters are so 2004. Everyone in politics right now knows that the crazy-asses are the tipping point for this election.”

38 percent of the poll’s respondents who consider themselves McCain supporters are currently suffering from schizophrenia, amnesia, traumatic brain injury or paranoid delusions. Perhaps even more startling, an additional 24 percent of the Arizona Senator’s overall pool of supporters were composed of individuals who were huffing paint or glue fumes while filling out their questionnaire.

Said Peter Floyd, an occasional patron of Tino’s Bail Bonds, “I refuse to finish filling this thing out until you feed my fuckin’ unicorn. Feed her! Feed her fire and wisdom!”

The poll also revealed that 17 percent of McCain’s supporters believe the earth was birthed by a giant androgynous hydra in Star Year 14497345677. Additionally, out of the 12 respondents who claimed to communicate telepathically with actor C. Thomas Howell, all but one strongly supported McCain. 

“Know what I like best about C. Thomas?” asked LaVizeena Charles, a local resident who rents what she referred to as “Wildlife Erotica” from !Video Store Now. “He always seems to know when I wanna’ talk. I just close my eyes real tight and recite the title of his greatest film 20 times - and there he is, right inside my head. Red Dawn. Red Dawn. Red Dawn…”

Not surprisingly, the poll’s data shows the Arizona Senator garnering much of his support from respondents who describe themselves as “very religious or belonging to a religious organization.” 64 percent of McCain’s supporters said they “attend church, chapel, or blood-drenched sacrificial rites on a frequent basis.” Moreover, 18 percent of the Republican candidate’s backers consider themselves Allosaurian, a religious sect that subscribes to the belief that Jesus Christ was not crucified by Roman soldiers but was instead devoured by a pack of ravenous Allosaurs   – large carnivorous dinosaurs that roamed the earth approximately 10 million years ago.

“Okay, that 10 million years ago figure flat-out ain’t true - sorry to break it to ya,” complained Dirk Redmond, co-owner of Bumper Boat Fiesta in neighboring Rancho Cucamonga, and member of the Southern California Allosaurian sect since 2002. “There’s hard scientific proof that dinosaurs lived during Christ’s lifetime. It’s called The Internet. Use it.” 

Added Redmond, “Look, I don’t mean to get all ornery, but by now these things are pretty much common knowledge.” According to Redmond, other truths firmly held by the Allosaurians are that praying makes one’s farts smell like peaches, “Pooty Tang” won the 2001 Oscar for Best Film in an alternate universe, and sacrificing organs at The Altar of Kirk Cameron   leads to purity of one’s soul.

If I didn’t truly believe in this thing,” said Redmond, “I wouldn’t have sacrificed both my salivary glands. I mean, do you have any idea what it’s like to never again be able to lick a stamp or eat solid food or spit directly into another person’s mouth? No, you fuckin’ do not.” 

Said Belcher, “Right now it’s not clear if or how these individuals will mobilize. But if most of them can somehow find their way to the polling stations on November 6^th, we could be in a world of trouble.”

Angry With Obama, Democratic Leaders Press On With Election Failure Strategy

In response to national polls that have revealed a spike in presidential candidate Barack Obama’s overall approval rating, party leaders gathered Tuesday at the Democratic National Committee’s headquarters in an emergency meeting to discuss an array of possible strategies that could be used to derail their standard bearer’s bid to become the next president.

“What he’s doing right now is reckless and inexcusable,” said Donna Brazile, political strategist and campaign manager for former Vice-President Al Gore’s 2000 presidential bid. “For the past three weeks, Barack has refused to heed any of our suggestions, which quite frankly, could lead him to a landslide victory in November if he isn’t careful.”

“For all his supposed brilliance, the guy (Obama) can be pretty dense at times,” complained Mark Mellman, a political consultant for the Democratic Party. “As a presidential candidate representing this venerable party, he has an obligation to adhere to custom and tradition. I mean, come on, why hasn’t he abandoned his original platform yet? Why does he insist on not alienating his base? And where’s that deflated I-just-got- donkey-punched -by-an-entire-cell-block-full-of-inmates body language that we’ve come to expect from our presidential candidates weeks before Election Day? Seriously, what is he waiting for?”

Brazile agreed. “I like Barack. But he clearly has no sense of history or tradition. When the Republican propaganda machine launches their toxic character assassinations, it’s customary to either ignore them completely or to respond in a cracking, sheepish voice with, ‘Sir, that’s just not fair.’ But Barack insists on fighting back, and it’s pissing all of us off.”

Former Democratic House Minority Leader Tom Daschle was also nonplused. “Why would you stand there and risk getting your ass kicked by the school bully when you can just give him your milk money and then run the hell away?”

Previous attempts to hamper Obama’s campaign have yielded mixed results, at best. When, at the Democratic National Convention, the party erected an incongruous backdrop featuring towering Roman columns for Obama’s acceptance speech, the Illinois Senator scarcely acknowledged their existence. 

Said Mellman, “Sadly, we thought the Styrofoam Corinthian columns were our ace-in-the-hole. We brainstormed for days to come up with an image that would scream, “Hey, I’m a gay dictator!”

But the ornate replica was no match for Obama’s energy and charisma.

Said Republican Party stalwart and MSNBC analyst Pat Buchanan, “It pains me to say this, but Barack was just too dynamic in his acceptance speech for people to give a damn about those homo sticks  in the background. I mean, let’s face it, after that address, even I had a boner.”

Added the 69-year-old former presidential candidate, “Blue steel, my friend. Cat couldn’t scratch it.”

The DNC has also worked, with minimal effect, to embed many of Obama’s campaign speeches with inaccurate, misleading, and inappropriate language.

Democratic political strategist Todd A. Levett said, “I think we came close to nailing it back in the primaries with that whole thing about poor whites clinging to God and guns in tough times. Obviously, that wasn’t Obama’s line. Barack wanted to say, ‘Frustrated citizens were now more than ever calling on their spirituality for hope and guidance in these trying times.’ On the other hand, Jesse (civil rights activist Rev. Jesse Jackson) wanted him to say, ‘If this crisis continues, the only skunks, squirrels and black men to be found in trailer parks will either be roasting on a barbeque or hanging from a tree.’ After some heated debate, they ended up splitting the difference. Then they hugged.” 

Obama has taken it upon himself to revise or eliminate portions of other speeches that he has deemed “wholly offensive, intentionally or otherwise.” For example, excised from an original draft of a mid-western stump speech were references to Nebraskans as “cute, pudgy, albino lab rats.” 

Another recent speech, which was intended to lure white, working-class women, originally included the line, “I think people who really know me – people like William Ayers, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - know that the only thing I like better than Allah and Socialism is white women.”

Obama re-wrote the entire 14-page speech in less than 7 minutes and then, moments later, delivered the revised draft to thunderous applause. 

Said exasperated Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean, “Quite frankly, we’ve run out of things to say to Barack. He refuses to muddle his message, he refuses to mutter something inappropriate off-camera when the mic is still hot, he refuses to shoot up in a Motel 6 with a white, 17-year-old smack whore, and, worst of all, he refuses to emit a freakish, piercing, guttural scream in a key moment of one of his campaign rallies.”

Dean maintains, however, that there is still ample time to impact the presidential race. “I keep telling everyone here in the office to keep their heads up. If I can destroy my own campaign in three seconds, we surely can take this guy down in the span of three weeks.”

Obama's Cat Sprinkles "Swift-Boated" by McCain Campaign

In the latest salvo fired in an increasingly hostile presidential campaign, the media team behind Republican candidate John McCain's 2008 presidential bid released a series of radio and TV ads denouncing Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama's cat, Sprinkles, as elitist, lazy, out of touch, and unfit to dwell inside the White House.

Sprinkles, a three-year-old tabby mix, was adopted by the Obama family from a Chicago area SPCA in August of 2007. Records show that she is primarily a house cat who divides most of her time between napping in the sun room, playing with Buffy, a miniature stuffed kangaroo, napping in the upstairs guest room, and licking her herself.

The McCain campaign has wasted little time in exploiting what some political analysts now view as the Obama campaign's albatross.

Said McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bonds, "Right now, voters are really starting to question Sprinkles' overall character, as well as her priorities. Considering what this country is currently going through - the housing crisis, daily Wall-Street meltdowns, inflation, and wars in Iraq and Afghanistan - it's a little disconcerting for voters to know that they might well end up with a pampered First Cat who sleeps up to 21 hours a day and who's also a compulsive masturbator."

In addition to questioning Sprinkles' character, the McCain camp has also sought to paint her as a security risk with possible ties to terrorist elements.

"Sprinkles has knowingly and willingly consorted with the Iranians," said Bonds. Sprinkles' previous owner, Melinda Hickox, an Applebees waitress from Rosemont Illinois, was forced to put Sprinkles up for adoption when she relocated to a new apartment. At the time, Hickox did own two other cats - Shyla and Shadow - both of which were of Persian descent.

Some reports also indicate that, at age two, Sprinkles had her first litter of kittens with Shadow.

"You really have to question Sprinkles' judgement on that one," said Rick Davis, chief campaign manager for McCain-Palin '08. "Two years old? That is awfully young to be producing babies. And God knows where they all ended up, or if they're even alive. Just an utter lack of family values on her part."

Said Paul Krugman, New York Times columnist and author of Conscience of a Liberal, "The Swift-Boating of Sprinkles is certainly a sign that political discourse has plummeted to a new low. With that said, Obama's no neophyte. He should've known, even back in 2007, that Sprinkles and her sordid ways would eventually become a political liability. I'm sure at this point, he wishes he could go back in time and not rescue her from that feces-encrusted death cage."

By Wednesday, the radio waves in several swing states were besieged by ads castigating the maligned feline.

"Looks like Sprinkles is up to her old tricks again," said an ominous voice at the start of one of many new anti-Sprinkles radio ads. "Fact: Sprinkles had four children by the time she was two, ending up in the shelter shortly after. Fact: Sprinkles demands to have special organic meals prepared for her three times a day. Fact: Sprinkles defecates inside open suitcases and duffel bags. Sprinkles Obama: Wrong Cat, Wrong Time."

Said David Axelrod, chief strategist for Obama's presidential campaign, "At this point, no one should be surprised by how low the Republicans will stoop to gain even the slightest advantage. This year, it's Sprinkles. In '04, it was John Kerry's alpaca, Buster (who was caught on camera aggressively mounting their family dog, Binky)." Axelrod then grudgingly mentioned the subsequent proliferation of "Kerry-Gaypaca '04" bumper stickers among Bush supporters that may have ultimately tipped the scale in favor of the current president.

"Then, back in 2000 - well, I think we all know what went down in 2000," mumbled Axelrod, referring to the 2000 presidential election in which a conservative interest group dubbed "Americans for Truth and Values" sought to promote the notion that one of Al Gore's pet hamsters had once been used on the set of the Richard Gere film "Runaway Bride" to "satisfy" the movie star between shoots.

"People talk about the lock box and the sighing during the debates," said Tony Coehlo, Gore's campaign chairman during the 2000 presidential election. "But for all intents and purposes, hamster-gate was our death knell."

Said a clearly irritated Obama, from the campaign trail in Indianapolis, "This is a textbook case of what happens when a Republican campaign gets desperate - it fights dirty. It's just disconcerting to see that the media has jumped on the bandwagon too, and that they apparently have enough time on their hands to delve into the private affairs of a dear, dear family member. But have we heard one iota from them about John McCain's bonobo? Or Governor Palin's viper moat? No, we haven't. Not one word."

McCain Unaware of Actual Meaning of "Maverick"

Republican presidential candidate, John McCain, admitted to a small group of reporters Wednesday that he was unclear as to the actual dictionary definition of the term "maverick," a word he and his supporters have repeatedly associated with the Arizona senator to tout his credentials as a political reformer.

However, in voting along with President Bush over 90 percent of the time, McCain's recent voting record is more reflective of one who accedes to the demands of his own party more often than not.

According to the Oxford Dictionary, the word maverick is a noun meaning "an unorthodox or independent-minded person." When informed as to the word's actual meaning, McCain, on the campaign stump in Madison, Wisconsin, was clearly startled. "Really? It means that?"

He then elaborated.

"Okay, there's obviously a huge misunderstanding here. Sometimes me and Lindsey (South Carolina Republican Senator Lindsey Graham) put our phones on speaker and re-enact scenes from "Top Gun."" I'm always Maverick - I believe he's the character played by that young man, Tom Cruise - and Lindsay's Ice Man. Sometimes Lieberman begs us to play and we force him to be Goose because he's the one who always dies first. Anyway, it's just something we've done over the years to pass the time on The Hill, and I've basically been calling myself Maverick ever since." McCain then hastily added, "It's not like a gay thing or anything."

When asked, Graham eagerly corroborated his congressional colleague's story but asserted that McCain's portrayal as a Washington outsider is overblown. "Look, I've been working with John for more than two decades, and I love the guy to pieces; but maverick my ass. John's as likely to vote against the President as I am likely to engage in a five-way without first slapping on nipple clamps, a lucha libre mask, and a ball gag. Wait, what were we talking about again?"

McCain, in responding to Graham's comments, said, "Well, that's not entirely true; and I think Lindsay knows that. I respect and honor our president, but that doesn't mean I'm here to rubber stamp everything he wants. Like one time, when I was clearing out brush on the Crawford ranch after the 2000 election, and he says, 'McCain, get me some lemonade - it's gettin' warm up here in my thoughts room!' I refused. 'Sorry, Mr. President,' I said. 'I draw the line at clearing out your dead trees for 11 consecutive hours in 105 degree heat.'

Said McCain, "You know, I think the president respected me a lot more after that day. And It's like I always say: if you want to be a change agent, you have to learn to put your foot down sometimes."

Palin Family Dominates Super Summer Fest '08

Presumptive vice-presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, her husband, and her children shattered their own previous records in the Family Olympics segment of Super Summer Fest '08 in Wasilla, Alaska Sunday.

Although Hurricane Gustav's arrival on the Gulf Coast has rendered the status of the Republican National Convention in doubt, the hardy Alaska governor and her family were undeterred. "We could be in one of two places right now," said a bloodied but exhilarated Palin, after winning the couples portion of the Iron Prong - an event in which each team drives its snowmobile full-speed into an unsuspecting arctic Moose's anus - with her husband, Todd. "But you know, we have a tradition to uphold here. Like we always say, family values come first."

Palin and her daughter, Piper, were also victorious in both the Tundra Sit and the Caribou Slaughter, in which each of the two-person teams has eight minutes to kill, skin, and gut the big game of their choice.

This year's unusually balmy weather at Summer Fest also raised the awkward issue of global warming and climate change, as temperatures soared into the upper-negative teens.

Man Heckles Obama Speech From Parents' Basement

From his parents' basement in Van Nuys, California, Cody Trumbull bristled at Barack Obama's words as he divided his attention between the newly-nominated Democratic presidential candidate's climactic acceptance speech on television and a tightly contested Madden NFL 2009 battle between the New York Giants and the Pittsburgh Steelers on his computer.

Trumbull, a 31-year-old Hollywood Video employee, scoffed at Obama's scathing critique of presumptive Republican presidential candidate, John McCain, and questioned the veracity of many of the Democratic candidate's assertions during the 44-minute speech that riveted a crowd of over 80 thousand party loyalists at Denver's Invesco Field at Mile High. Trumbull also punctuated each of Obama's applause lines with what he later described as a "hot, wet fart" sound, made by pressing his tongue and lips against forearm and "blowing as hard as I can until the room gets all dark and purple."

Trumbull spent most of the evening glued to his PC monitor screen while struggling to gain the upper-hand against the Giants' surprisingly stalwart defense. Nevertheless, he listened intently to Obama's words.

"Did you hear that?" he asked, mockingly referring to Obama's litany of policy initiatives that the Illinois senator would address once elected to office. "He says he's gonna cut taxes for 95 percent of us, he says he's gonna increase wages for teachers - but also make them more accountable, and he says he's gonna give tax breaks for corporations that don't move their headquarters overseas. But no specifics. Typical Obama...I hate Willie Parker."

Trumbull, who has lived in his parents' basement since dropping out of Los Angeles Valley Community College four years ago, says he hadn't initially intended on watching any of the convention. "I turned to MSNBC thinking Caught on Video was gonna be on but ended up settling for this crap," adding, "And it's not a basement. It's a remodeled guest room that happens to be downstairs. Also, it's not like I actually live with my parents. Like I said, the room's separate from the rest of the house, so I can have people over whenever I damn well want. Even a girl."

When asked about the quality that he most seeks in a presidential candidate, Trumbull responded with, "The quality of ass-kickin'." Then, after completing a 40-yard pass from Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to wide receiver Santonio Holmes, he added, "Basically, this Baruk (sic) Obama guy talks all big and tough, but even a 90-year-old McCain, rolling around in a Li'l Rascal and needing to change his piss sack every ten minutes, would kick his ass - by mistake and in his sleep. And that's why I always end up voting Republican each election - because I ask myself: Who would kick who's ass in a fight? And the answer's always the Republican, right across the board."

Trumbull glared at his television as Obama soaked up thunderous applause from the adoring stadium crowd. He then added, "Plus, he's having this thing from bitch-ass Broncos Stadium. I pounded them (the Denver Broncos) 54-7 last week in Madden, playing against my brother, Randy. And that's even after he made me take the Bucs!"

As Trumbull methodically drove his Steelers down the field against a tiring but resilient Giants defense, he discussed his political affiliation. Trumbull considers himself an Independent but maintains that he wouldn't vote for a Democrat "even for all the poon in the world." Nevertheless, he said he'd be willing to keep an open mind. "Look, the guy's weird. His name's weird, he talks with big words and throws numbers at us like we all went to M.U.T. or Harvard or something. But I don't know - there's some smokin' hot chicks at his convention, and who knows? Maybe this Democrat party thing is...Ahhh! You suck, Hines Ward! You suck! Why are you such a crippled little bitch!?"

Infuriated by five-time pro-bowl selection Hines Ward's fumble at the opponents' one-yard-line, in the waning seconds of an imminent Steelers loss, Trumbull hurled his game controller across the room and stormed upstairs to eat chocolate pudding.

Democrats, Racists Approve of Biden

Over 100,000 Barack Obama supporters stood in front of The Old State Capitol, in Springfield, Illinois, Saturday, erupting into cheers of joy and exultation as the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee unveiled his running mate to the public for the first time. Joseph Biden, a 35-year veteran of the U.S. Senate strode onto the makeshift stage moments after being summoned by Obama and addressed the jubilant crowd. "Are you ready for change, Springfield?" he bellowed before giving two thumbs up to his new boss.

In making the selection, the Obama campaign hopes for voters to perceive Biden and his vast foreign policy experience as a complement to Obama's intellect and energy. Still, selecting the Deleware senator as a running mate also carries risks, due to the Delaware senator's penchant for misspeaking at inopportune moments.

However, all the concerns and anxieties of the campaign were placed on the back burner - at least for one day.

"Quite frankly, I'm pretty choked up right now," said an emotional 65-year-old Biden, "because this just is a huge day for me, for my family, and for the greatest country in the world - a country populated by all walks of life, cultures, and nationalities. I mean, you've got the whites; the Orientals; crippled people; Mexicans; Jews; the bad blacks like Michael Vick and O.J; and then the good, clean ones, like Barack here, Forest Whitaker, and Don Cheadle. I mean, how could you not love America in all its diverse and splendid glory?"

Many analysts agree that Biden, a reputed champion of the common man, could be the antidote to Obama's sagging poll numbers with white working class voters, a demographic that has rejected the Illinois Senator's eloquent oratory and optimistic tone since the early days of the Democratic primaries.

"I don't typically like blacks," said Missy Wagner, a supermarket employee from Springfield. "But somehow I feel so much more at ease now that he's standing beside a teetering old white guy in a five-thousand-dollar suit." Wagner then punctuated her musing with a contemplative "Huh" before picking up a newly-minted Obama-Biden sign and disappearing into the massive crowd.

"He's less of a pimp to me now," added Gregory Chandler, a securities analyst from Rosemont. "Not that I'm a racist or anything, but I think maybe he's less likely to steal off with my wife and daughter with that Biden guy around." I could be wrong, though. You never know with those people. Not that I'm racist."

Stan Vuckovich, a construction worker and local union representative from Chicago, is still undecided but thinks Obama has made a wise selection. "I'll tell you what, I like Biden. Always have. He's a plain talker. I don't trust anyone who feels the need to use SAT words just to show they're smarter than you. You know, in a perfect world, we'd vote for infants, fresh from the delivery room, still in their little incubators. Never happen, though - makes too much sense."

Obama was effusive in his praise for his new running mate. "He's a scrapper," announced an elated Obama to his sea of supporters. "A hard worker, a plain talker, a real lunch bucket guy. He's the David Eckstein of politics, the Larry Bird of politics, the John Stockton of politics, the Wayne Chrebet of politics..."