Thousands of spite-fuelled Iranian citizens flooded the streets of Tehran yesterday to mark the 30th anniversary of the seizure of the country's U.S. embassy, a date that, beginning in 1989, has come to be known by Iranians throughout the world as National Death to America Day.
The date, which, over the past several decades, has grown in stature among Iranian citizens, converts the country's bustling capital into a fantasmagoric street festival each year: cordoned-off thoroughfares overflow with polychromatic parade floats, vendors hock various souveniers, and citizens spew their own unique brand of anti-American venom.
"I was so drunk with hate today," said an excitable Alah Massoud, co-owner of a local produce market, "that it made it very difficult for me to focus. All I could think of at the breakfast table this morning was, 'Bomb the infidels, burn their homes, kill their demon-babies,' and then, before I even knew what was happening, I did that thing where I poured orange juice into my cereal instead of milk! My wife and I had a very good laugh - that is, after I gave her permission to do so."
Massoud's soon-to-be brother-in-law, Fardin Malah, a school teacher and part-time photographer, agreed, adding, "To give you some idea of how intoxicated with fury I was, I almost ended up dousing my Barack Obama effigy with kerosene and my American flag with pig's feces: Mashallah, as though every single Iranian on the planet doesn't know it's the other way around! I can only imagine the shit my buddies would've given me if I'd actually gone through with it."
Local muslim cleric Malik Firouz was also filled with anticipation. "I was just beside myself last night," he said, "which is fairly typical for me on the eve of Death to America Day, due to all the acid and disgust for the American devils - those demon whores of Western civilization - brewing within my soul. But this time, I had some warm milk and honey, and it helped me get right to sleep. It really does work."
"For me, it's all about the hot cocoa," Malah said. "It really eases my anxiety and calms my nerves. In fact, I usually leave an additional cup out for Mullah Mullah - with a plate of cookies, of course - the night before,"
According to Malah and others interviewed, Mullah Mullah is a fictitious character from Persian children's tales and is used by exasperated parents to cow defiant children into behaving with more kindness and respect.
In the story's first installment, Mullah Mullah journeys to America in hopes of creating a better life for his family but is quickly poisoned by American sit-coms, reality-based TV, and tattoo ink (received from a neo-nazi biker during an all-night crack binge) that has leeched into his soul.
Mullah eventually finds himself embroiled in a heroin and prostitution ring, in which the cocaine-induced Iranian climactically engages in a shootout with federal DEA agents. After Mullah is shot and killed in a hail of gunfire, his faceless soul, inexorably adulterated by the toxic culture of the West, embarks on a mission to brainwash unsuspecting Iranian children about the virtues of Wal-Mart, reality TV, and gender equity.
In one particular tale, Mullah chains down a young boy, pries his eyes open, and forces him to watch video footage of a woman in her mid-twenties who is unaccompanied by family members while on a dinner date with a man of similar age. The date concludes with the couple engaging in a good-night peck prior to the woman's date dropping her off at her apartment - but no subsequent honor killing or genital mutilation imposed by the woman's brothers or elder relatives.
Yet another story has Mullah arranging for one of TV's "Bridezillas" to inhabit the home of a traditional Iranian family for one week. During one tense exchange between the bride-to-be, LaQuana Williams, and Alah Oman, the husband and father of the household (as well as a prominent religious leader and member of the local council of elders), Williams barks at Oman to summon his three daughters, so that "them li'l Arab bitches can string me together some muthafuckin' gift baggies up in here."
While Wednesday's celebration drew thousands of embittered Iranians from across the Middle-East, Central Asia, and Europe, some organizers flashed moments of subtle dissatisfaction that many of the day's actions and activities were more restrained than in years past.
"The lack 0f energy among the demonstrators is both palpable and understandable," said a resigned Rali Shah, a Muslin cleric from Tehran. "The world's a different place now: Clearly, the U.S. is not the booming, sprawling empire it once was. True, the American military remains second-to-none; but their economy is in disrepair, their social system is bereft of justice, and their political structure is irrevocably corrupt. It's like Nicaragua with Best Buys."
Shah continued, "Their children spend twelve years in the public educational system; and half of them end up either illiterate, ignorant, obese, or morally bankrupt - and then they wonder why their prisons are overflowing! The bottom line is this: It is just not that much fun to hate a loser."
Jalil Mohammad, a 22-year-old engineering student and die-hard Boston Red Sox fan, agreed. "It's like if the Yankees came in last place eight years in a row. At some point, it gets boring and one must redirect his deep-seeted, irrational hatred elsewhere. Also - and the Basij will probably burn me alive for saying this - but it doesn't help matters when, compared to the Great Satan's [America] president, ours seems like a mentally retarded baboon hopped up on angel dust."
And while it's customary for protesting Iranians to splash photos of incumbent U.S. presidents with cow's or pig's blood, the current swine flu epidemic has put the entire festival on edge.
"To be safe, this year we mixed up vats of red food coloring in which we will dip a giant effigy of Barack Obama," said Navid Avdar, a construction worker from Qum. "But, seriously, it's not easy to be drenched with unbridled fury when you're basically making a giant Paas Easter egg."
Moreover, clusters of disaffected Iranians turned out in protest of another government this year: their own. Iran's current president, Mahmoud Ahmadiniejad, has come under harsh scrutiny for what many citizens consider to be a corrupt and oppressive regime. In fact, many street protesters could be heard chanting "Death to the Dictator" and "Death to Ahmadiniejad."
Iran's supreme leader, Ayatollah Khameni, vehemently disagreed. "They're not chanting 'Death to Ahmadiniejad." They're chanting 'Death to Obaaaaaamahaaaaa.' It's very obvious."
Most Iranians, however, have remained at least as sanguine about the occasion as in years past. Said Marhad Kahn, owner of a local bakery, "It's a big day for us; you Americans perhaps would not understand. I mean, I stood in front of my closet for like twenty minutes trying to decide upon just the right loafers to wear."
A man wished only to be referred to as Rahmed said, "I remain steadfast in my profound hatred, as it is these demonic American imperialists who choke the world markets with their worthless products, who subjugate the Middle East with their unwieldy and murderous attempts at colonization, and who issue pre-emptive war to any country that offers the least bit of resistance to their hegemonic policies."
When asked as to whether he's ever been to America, Rahmed said that he hadn't. "But that will all change in a very big way soon, I promise you: I'll be flying into L.A. next weekend to audition for 'The Real World 10' the following weekend."
Rahmed claimed that, as a student, he is currently doing research into the world of how the American entertainment industry corrupts the morals and values of the rest of the world. He
then distributed his head shots to several American journalists. "I know: they suck. Whatever. I'm getting new ones when I reach the states."
Rahmed later described himself as a "triple-threat," who has been schooled in acting, dance, and singing. "Also, a bit of improv," he added, "and screenwriting - mostly romantic comedy."
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