Creaky Wheel

Murrieta, CA Man Wins Nobel Prize in Physics, Not Humbled by Honor

Colby Evers, a Murrieta, California resident and former employee of Golf 'n Splash Fun 'n Ride in nearby Riverside, was awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics Friday, just one week after being arrested for public drunkenness, disorderly conduct and indecent exposure outside a Dave and Buster's parking lot. 

Evers was informed of his landmark achievement late Friday afternoon by his brother-in-law, Tanner, following a series of attempts by work colleagues, family members, ex-girlfriends, ex-wives, creditors, and former employers to contact the 32-year-old miniature gold attendant that proved unsuccessful. 

Bjorn Jakobson, Communications Director for the Nobel Committee, admitted that Evers was "nearly impossible to contact."  

"It ain't gonna do ya no good," shouted Cherish Angel to Evers' twin brother Donnie, as he made repeated attempts to contact the Nobel Prize winner via cell phone. Angel, a former professional dancer at Shifteez Juice Bar in Pomona, CA, who now collects unemployment due to a late-night performance mishap, is the Nobel winner's ex-common-law-wife. She now dates Donnie, her manager at Shifteez.

"I know him better'n anybody. Better'n you, better'n his numb nuts brother over there, and better'n all them skanky-assed whores he chases around that broke down amusement park. If them needle dicks (from the Nobel committee) were really all that smart, they'da called me in the first place. And then they'd know that Colby never gets up before noon on Fridays."

Angel later explained that Evers' proclivity for sleeping in on Fridays is due to his Thursday night black tar heroin binges behind the dumpster of a nearby El Pollo Loco.

"Yeah, he likes to party," said Angel sighing resignedly, adding,  "Anyways...where my menthols at? Donnie! Donnie, where my MENTHOLS!" Upon taking a hasty drag from one of her cigarettes, Angel added, "And where's my baby at?" 

"How would I know - it's your bastard kid!" responded Evers.

Angel later recalled that her one-year-old daughter, Rumor, had spent the night with her former mother-in-law.  

The selection of Evers on Friday by the esteemed Swedish Academy in Stockholm was met with both surprise and dismay by many academics and media pundits alike. The complaints apparently stem from a notion that Evers, while possessing considerable talent, has yet to put that potential into action.

"Did he deserve it?" questioned Dr. Janson Sibering, a nuclear physicist who has been working in Nepal for the past six years, developing a mechanism that harnesses high altitude air molecules for use in single-cell fuel vehicles. "That's not really for me or anyone outside of the committee to say at this point, though I'm looking forward to the day when me or any of a number of my colleagues can finally receive some level of international recognition. Incidentally, would you mind passing me that box of Ramen noodles?"

"I don't think he necessarily received the award for what he has done as much as for his imagination and indomitable determination," said Mandrake Jespson, PhD, Director of Operations at the Frontier Science and Technology Research Foundation in Amherst, New York. I think it's clear to everyone, save for his harshest critics, that Colby Evers is the rarest of visionaries."

Jepson's comments were in direct reference to Evers' plan to one day build a "fuckin' kick-ass time machine that will take me back to before I hooked up with that Misty chick at Applebees happy hour who gave me genital warts." Added Evers, "I'm gonna do it, too. Just watch me. Go ahead - say I won't. Say I won't, bitch!"

Evers, who will receive his Nobel Prize on December 10 in Stockholm, was reportedly startled awake by Jakobson's call shortly after 1:30 P.M. Pacific Time to inform him of the news.

Said Evers, "At first, I thought it was my buddy, Tim, who does this awesome German dude impression, like the guy on the Foster's commercial. But then, when I found out it was some gay guy from France or wherever on the phone, I was kinda' bummed. But then when he said I won somethin', I thought that was kinda' cool. And then, when he said that I'd be gettin' lotsa' cash, I was all 'hell fuckin' yeah - gimme!' Anyways, I should get Tim over here so he can do that accent for you. It's fuckin' insane."

Moments after hanging up with Jakobson, an ebullient Evers assured reporters that he intended to use the "Good Angel Dust" to celebrate his accomplishment.

In 2006, Evers was also a finalist for the Nobel Prize in Science, when he cautioned a work colleague to "Never trust anything that bleeds for a week straight and still lives."

"Oh, that put him on the map," said Mandrake. "You don't just say something that brilliant and expect it to go unnoticed by the scientific community."

Evers is due to receive $1.4 million for his accomplishment. When apprised of his winnings and questioned as to the charity or foundation to which it might be bequeathed, Evers responded, "Uh, that would be the foundation to get Colby Evers fucked up tonight - Oww!" 

Later, when asked by phone as to whether he was humbled to receive such a rarefied honor, Evers replied, "Nope."

Ignoring Naysayers, Researchers Continue Dogged Pursuit of Black Friend

Dr. Robert Hildegard, a gruff and grizzled professor of Cultural Anthropology at Northwestern University in Chicago, has been in pursuit of one for nearly four decades; but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the 1993 recipient of a Macarthur Genius Grant is any closer now than when he began his quest as a 22-year-old UC Berkeley graduate student in 1971.“Back then, we were so sure that we were on the right track,” said Hildegard, referring to the almost fanatical pursuit among academics, scientists, and all-around thrill-seekers of what has come to be known in Anglo-American social circles as “My Black Friend.”

“But we weren’t even remotely close. And we had no clue as to the years of utter sacrifice and abysmal disappointment that lay ahead.” 

Hildegard and his colleagues say that pursuing such an elusive creature produces a daily roller-coaster ride of emotions and requires equal amounts focus and tenacity - in addition to an uncanny ability to ignore the multitudes who deny the Black Friend’s mere existence.

Said Jonathan Mason, the Dean of African American Studies at The University of Washington in Spokane, and author of a collection of books on cultural plurality within the suburban African American community, said, “With all due respect to my colleagues, the premise of the Black Friend is a complete and utter fallacy.”

Mason maintains that, for whites, having a Black Friend implies a “cool, progressive, open-minded approach” to one’s life, tantamount to sending one’s children to public school, driving a Prius, listening to Hip-Hop music, or, in the most extreme cases, “watching UPN, which, quite frankly, most black people don’t even have the will or courage to do.” 

Mason continued. “But as a black man, I can honestly say - and I’m not alone in this assessment - that I reserve my strongest contempt for white folks who claim me as their friend to other whites, like I’m some goddamned Precious Moment figurine that they can just stash in the hall china closet and show off to their other white friends. Trust me, I’ve studied white folks all my life; and the only thing they want more than a Whole Foods gift card is a Black Friend to call their very own." 

"But it’s fool’s gold," he said, "the white peoples' version of Waiting for Godot. Wait - that is the white peoples' version. Rather, it’s the black peoples' version of waiting for a smart, edgy coming-of-age film about young black folks that doesn’t revolve around thug life, pit bulls, or pounding forties of Old English on a porch in Compton. In other words, some things just aren’t meant to happen.”    

Concluded Mason, “Oh, and just because we chuckle when you all come in to work quoting skits from “The Chapelle Show” doesn’t mean we like you. We just really, really like to watch white people say, ‘Is Wayne Brady gonna havta' choke a bitch?’ Nothing less, nothing more.

Aarne Hakkinen, a professor of Archeology and Ancient Civilizations at Finland’s Helsinki University, was also befuddled when asked about the prominence of the Black Friend in Anglo American culture. 

“This Black Friend that you keep saying,” said Hakkinen, “I understand the friend part, but why would he be black? How would a person be black?

According to most Sociologists, Anglo Americans’ desire to have a black friend is a fairly recent development, most likely rooted in the former 1980s NBC hit sitcom "Diff’rent Strokes," a program that tracked the childhood of two urban African American brothers who are adopted and subsequently welcomed into the Manhattan penthouse of an affluent white family. 

James DuFresne, a fellow at the Brookings Institute, a conservative think thank, waxed rhapsodic. “For many of us, “Diff’rent Strokes” made it okay to get within ten feet of young African American males again.” He then hastily added, “Providing they’re forcibly removed from their element, scrubbed squeaky clean, and clad in pastel Izod sweaters. Also, it really helps if they're freakishly adorable and just a little bit on the sassy side." DuFresne stared off wistfully into the distance for several minutes before breaking his silence. "God, how I miss that show.”

Added pop star Madonna, through an L.A. based media liaison, "“Diff'rent Strokes" was the defining moment in race relations in the 1980s. It was a show that made me want to grab a cute, little black child off the streets and stash him in my foyer display tank. But I did two better than that, adopting three, all of whom I now own and display at my le-jure, which has greatly contributed to my goal of creating a post-racial household."

"Diff'rent Strokes" was followed by a bevy of additional programming depicting cordial black-white friendships, such as "Webster," "The Cosby Show," and "Gimme’ a Break," starring the multi-talented Nel Carter.

“Gimme a Break was arguably the most groundbreaking show in the history of American television,” said Cameron Zorquist, a former NBC executive who produced "Gimme a Break" as well as the short-lived - though critically acclaimed - sitcom "Our Dumpster Crack Baby." “Because, instead of having an overweight, maternal black maid doting on a white family – like in so many other programs and movies from the past – "Gimme" showed that you could have an overweight, maternal black maid doting on a white family, but, in this case, the overweight black maid is also a gospel vocalist - heady, avant guard stuff that would never fly in today’s conservative climate. My bet is we’ll never see creativity and imagination like that at the network level again.”

In recent years, the Republican Party, a bastion of Anglo affluence for the last half-century, has sought to deflect allegations of bigotry and elitism by recruiting conservative members of the African American community. 

Said former House Speaker and current conservative commentator Newt Gingrich, "Though the liberal media loves to paint us as a bunch of redneck bigots, clearly our party's track record of racial diversity speaks for itself. There's (Supreme Court Justice) Clarence Thomas, (former Secretary of State) Condoleeza Rice, uh (dry swallow), Clarence Thomas, who has...did you know that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican?" 

Last March, conservatives aggressively sought the services of former Maryland Lt. Governor Michael Steele to be the first black chairman of the Republican National Committee. With Steele aboard, the party hopes it can broaden its appeal beyond its predominantly white base, whose average age is currently 79. 

Said Steele, at a press briefing in early July to discuss his party's long-term objectives, "I see us being not just the party of the Angry White Man, but also the party of the Angry White Man who won't necessarily reach inside his ankle holster when he sees a black man making a U-turn in the nearby cul-de-sac."  

"But with that said," Steele continued, "black people need to do their part in this thing, too. We need to realize that guns, while a necessity, shouldn't be used for gang wars or convenience store hold-ups. They're for suspicious-looking characters loitering about the street in front of your house, young roustabouts who wantonly traipse across your lawn without any regard for the "Warning: This Yard Protected by Smith and Wesson" signage, and, most of all, Socialists who want to steal your republic away from you by offering comprehensive government programs."

Steele has gained favor in recent weeks among even the staunchest conservatives for his public denunciation of former Democratic President Jimmy Carter, who alleged that many conservatives' criticisms of President Obama have arisen from racist attitudes. 

When questioned by reporters if racism were a factor in American politics, Steele said, "I highly doubt it. Quite frankly, allegations of white people's bigotry over the centuries has been greatly exaggerated, or, at the very least, overstated." When asked how he'd characterize public lynchings, slavery, and Jim Crowe laws, Steele responded by saying, "An uncomfortable learning experience for each and every one of us." before adding to the inquiring reporter, "And did you forget your American Flag lapel pin today or do you just despise America?"

Due to Steele's skyrocketing political stock, many key conservatives have recently sought to befriend the suddenly ubiquitous RNC Chairman. 

"We're going golfing next week," said a sanguine House Minority Leader John Boehner. "which is perfect timing, since my country club voted just last month to start allowing blacks on a provisional basis." Boehner beamed, adding, "So I'm sure Michael will make me fine caddy."  

"Oh, Michael Steele you say?" asked Republican Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, rhetorically. "Yeah, we hang out. We mostly just chill, listen to Wu Tang, play dominos, read Ebony magazine, discuss 

apartheid - whatever. 

Some conservatives remain bullish on Steele, however. Radio host Rush Limbaugh still scoffs at the idea of Steele as the leader of his party. "I have only one word to describe the man," said Limbaugh of Steele. "Overrated."

 

Back in his office at Northwestern, Hildegard acknowledged that attitudes such as Limbaugh's have only served to impede his quest.

"In Science," said a visibly frustrated Hildegard, "we have a technical term to describe individuals like Mr. Limbaugh who adulterate data by willfully imposing their presence upon the research process: Fuckfaces."  

Hildegard continued. “Quite honestly, there have been many dark hours when I just felt like packing it in. But then I would be doing a profound disservice to all the researchers before me who tried and failed in their  lifelong pursuit.”

Still, for some, finding and catching a Black Friend is more than just a means to an end. 

“You’re never going to get rich doing this, that’s for sure,” said Davis Kryzewski, Ph.D., a former professor emiritus at Case Western University. Ultimately, you do it because it’s your passion. At the same time, it’s tough sometimes to stay positive with all the failure that’s inherent in searching for one. And if you let it, it’ll completely take over your life."

According to Kryzewski, many of his colleagues who have dedicated their lives over the years to the pursuit of a Black Friend have found themselves losing connections with friends and loved ones. But, he said, if it means becoming estranged from a spouse, the pursuit of finding a Black Friend outside of captivity would be worth it.

Said Kryzewski, "I’ve been divorced three times, and my kids send me bags of human feces for my birthday. But, to me, it’s worth it."

While Hildegard empathizes with Kryzewski, he ultimately disagrees with his overall mindset.

“There’s definitely a limit," said Hildegard. "For instance, I don’t even want to think about all those freezing nights sitting inside my car outside lavish homes in the Hills, waiting for a Christmas party to end so that I could maybe, possibly, catch even a glimpse of a prospective Black Friend leaving the premisis.”

He quickly added, “As I'm sure you've discovered, this is a job that never completely ends. I mean, first of all, none of my colleagues has ever even seen a Black Friend in the wild. And then, what do you do if you finally spot one? Approach it with caution? Take a picture? Try reciting lines from "Friday" so that it'll know you mean business? Truthfully, if there were a formula for this, we’d all be swimming in blacks.”

Nevertheless, Hildegard concedes that the Republican Party may have indeed discovered that formula, much to the chagrin of scientists and academics who, despite decades of meticulous research and focus, have had little success. 

“I’m not going to lie,” he said. “‘It’s pretty disheartening when a bunch of glorified used car salesmen who claim that dinosaurs co-existed alongside Jesus Christ have devised a more effective strategy for capturing the Black Friend than some of the world’s most esteemed scientists.”

Average-Looking Women Still Able to Carry a Tune, Study Finds

Spokespersons for a panel of prominent scientific bodies, including the Carnegie Institution for Science, the American Society for Cell Biology; the International Congress of Human Genetics; and NASA, announced Tuesday that the ability to sing a song on-key is not necessarily limited to beautiful women who are in their late-teens and early twenties. 

The results of the groundbreaking study, to be published in this week's New England Journal of Medicine, follow decades of painstaking research by some of the most revered scientific minds in the world - and has already begun to roil music industry executives, pop music icons, and members of the national media. 

Infinity Management International, a premier Hollywood talent agency, which represents pop music giants Christina Aguilera, Rihanna, Britney Spears, Nelly Furtado, and Avril Lavigne, released a terse statement to the media late-Tuesday, through spokesperson Sam Anders. Said Anders, "Just...um...be careful what you wish for."

Dr. Branson Forster, a professor of genetics at Cornell University, as well as a lead researcher in the painstaking 28-year study said, "When we were collecting some of our preliminary data, back in the early 80's, we knew then and there just how controversial our findings would be perceived, how damning the data would be to the music industry as a whole and, most significantly, how damaging it would be to our nation's long-held conviction that the only possible way a sane person can sit through a song like "Fergalicious" would be if the singer were A. smoking hot, B. just a little bit trashy (though not Van Nuys-smack-whore-blow-job-behind-a-Koo Koo Roo-Dumpster-for-a-pack-of-Winstons trashy), or C. barely legal, but perhaps not even that old. "

One of the studies' major experiments, conducted by Dr. Sundeep Singh, Department Chair of Cell Biology at UC-Berkley, involved a complete genome mapping of maligned pop singer Brittany Spears, to ascertain whether or not she does, in fact, possesses the VL-466 gene pair, otherwise known among biologists as the "talent gene." In the past, VL-466 has been isolated and extracted from the DNA of such notable visionaries as Albert Einstein, Imannuel Kant, Jesus Christ, and David Hasselhoff.

Said a clearly befuddled Singh, during the latter stages of the two-year Spears experiment in June of 2007, "Although we've been testing Ms. Spears for the VL-466 for some time now, I think at this point it's pretty safe to say that she must be an extremely hard worker. Or off-the-charts smoking hot. Either one." 

After months of additional research, Singh found that Spears' closest genomic match is currently possessed by Verona Jones, a 52-year-old, thrice divorced pole dance instructor and part-time lab subject from Stockton, California. 

Said Ms. Jones, when reached via dial-up Internet for comment, "Shit, that trampy-ass cow wishes she could shake it like me. People think I can dance now? They shouda' seen me work this trunk four-hundred pounds ago, before I had to have my lap band removed and had to drive to get from the cereal aisle to the chips aisle."

During the study, Singh concurrently ordered the genomic mapping of 49-year-old aspiring vocalist Janet Vuckovich. According to Singh, Vuckovich's mapping yielded conclusive results that the mother of five with chronic halitosis, an iron lung, turrets syndrome, festering boils, a unibrow, and a severe drooling problem "possesses extraordinary - even other-worldly - talent." 

"Just for fun," added Singh wistfully, "I had Janet sing Streisand's 'People. And let's just say that beyond all the oozing and drooling - as well as the gut-wrenchingly nauseating stench - lies the voice of an angel." 

Another key component of the study, spearheaded by a team of aerospace engineers at NASA, found that unattractive women do in fact have the physical capacity to generate both pouty facial expressions and piercingly cloying vibrato, hallmarks of attractive pop singers such as Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera.  

Said Jonathan Olsen, chief coordinator of Aerodynamics of Space Transportation Systems at NASA, "Over an eight week trial, each day we'd choose two trained female vocalists and secure them at the end of a turbine wind tunnel for eighteen consecutive hours. Basically, one of the singers would be unfathomably hot while the other would most likely have warts or an extra shrunken limb - or perhaps be riddled with festering scabs. They were then asked to sing Rihanna's "Don't Stop The Music" while being subjected to winds upwards of two hundred miles an hour."

After months of grueling tests, Olsen and his team of researchers found that, though many of the their subjects expired during testing, of the survivors, the unattractive vocalists faired as good or better than the attractive ones.

Olsen asserts that the overall findings of the study "could lead to a greater understanding of the ways in which individuals create music and could open the door to great talents that have been pushed to the periphery of the music industry for so long."

But Warner Brothers Music Executive Philip Reese was less sanguine in his assessment of the study. "Even if some of this stuff were true - which I sincerely doubt - let me once again remind everyone that we're talking about the possibility of a music industry that is completely devoid of 18-year-old gyrating flesh. So people, ask yourselves: Is that a world in which you really want to raise your kids? 

Optimistic Slogans, Closer Student Proximity to Textbooks, Firing Ambitious Teachers Improve Student Test Scores, Study Finds

The Pew Research Center released a study Friday that shows how failing public schools - whose students are frequently plagued by low literacy rates, behavioral problems, and severe learning disabilities - can in fact rebound from the brink of failure, providing they adopt a handful of key initiatives outlined by the organization's findings.

Perhaps the study's most provocative finding, however, reveals an indisputable link between public school students' test performance and their physical proximity to textbooks. In the study, held over the course of an entire school semester, 30 teenage students from John Burroughs High School in Burbank, California, were observed sitting no farther than two feet away from their respective Holt, Rinehart and Winston America, Americans, and Others textbooks in a U.S. Government classroom. The students were given specific instructions by their teacher "not to touch or handle your textbooks, under any circumstances, for three months - and to never bother me when my little tin drink bottle is out."

By the end of the study, most students' standardized test scores had skyrocketed. 

Said James Rakoff, the class' Government teacher - as well as a 22-year veteran of the Burbank Unified School District - "Naturally, as a man of knowledge, I was pretty skeptical of this study at first. But after about two months, I noticed a huge difference in everything from my students' behavior to their intellect. Quite frankly, I've never seen anything like it."

Rakoff, who is occasionally referred to good-naturedly by some of his students as Rakoff the Big, Fat, Fucking Jack-off, maintained that he had not altered his teaching style in any way throughout the study's duration "or for that matter, throughout the past twenty years." 

Added Rakoff, "If anything, when this study was going on, I taught less than in the past - which, in all honesty, I really didn't think was possible. For instance, on a normal school day, I take attendance and then pass out a packet of worksheets to each kid - if I even have enough to go around. And then, if I'm feeling super ambitious, maybe I'll throw in "Ice Age 2" at the end of class. Except, a few days into this study, I ended up having to take five weeks off to get my polyps drained." 

Records confirm that, during Rakoff's recovery, he was relieved by Ann Waxman, a 25-year-old first-year teacher from Walnut Creek, California. Waxman, who, after successively earning her MA in History from UC Berkley and serving two consecutive Peace Corps stints in Nairobi, Kenya, was summarily dismissed from her teaching assignment upon Rakoff's return. 

Said sophomore Tamara Shaw, "I love Ms. Waxman, and I think we're all a little sad to see her go. She made learning History actually kinda' fun for a change."

According to several other students, Waxman often integrated role-playing into her History lessons, "to increase the level of student interest, awareness and participation." 

Said Waxman, now manning the fryer at a Northridge, California Wienerschnitzel, "Trying to get teenagers interested in the process of congressional procedure can be a little tricky, so I had them go through the actual process, mock-proposing their own bills and amendments as would-be U.S. Representatives from both major parties would." 

After the process of Waxman's mock Congress was explained several times to Robert Watts, Burroughs' interim assistant principal, he grimaced quizzically, then said, "Okay, so I still don't get it: Are you telling me that students were out of their seats during the whole lesson?"

Watts continued. "Everyone knows that, when done right, high school History class is as dry as sun-baked feces. Here at Burroughs, we take the state curriculum standards very seriously. And if Ms. Waxman were in fact teaching to these standards instead of engaging her students in the learning process, we would know it, because after five weeks they'd have far more obscenities carved into the soft underbellies of their respective forearms." 

But on Friday, the focus was on Rakoff, his students, and a their miraculous academic transformation.

When asked to explain the effect of sitting in such close proximity to her History textbook, third-year sophomore Janet Lyons - who scored 34 points higher on the History portion of her California Standards Test - said, "Honestly, I've always hated history. And I still do. In the past, most of us just kept our books at home and eventually lost 'em or whatever. But it's weird: Just the thought of having your book a few feet away from you, you can kinda' sorta' feel the thingies - what are they? Facts? Yeah, you can feel yourself getting full on facts...When does Ms. Waxman come back?"   

Researchers from the study were impressed by the self-control of Rakoff's students. "A lot of credit for this study needs to go to these kids," said William Ainsworth, a professor of Linguistics at Cornell University who headed the research. "I mean, the amount of self-discipline and personal sacrifice it must take for a teenage kid to not touch his or her Civics textbook for an entire semester is something that most of us can't comprehend.

Another possible factor in the students' progress - though, according to experts, no less influential - was a change in the types of messages posted on the school's roadside marquis. Three weeks prior to the California Standards Test, a prime indicator in determining school-wide academic progress, Burroughs administrators altered the message on the marquis from "Burroughs High School: No Restroom Without a Pass" to "Burroughs High School: Can't Stop Us Now!"   

"There's no overstating the importance and impact of signage," said Watts who worked as a sales manager at Stryker Dodge and Chrysler of Bakersfield prior to his position with Burroughs. "The kids' response to these motivational quotes is just awesome, so I think we'll just continue on with it. Last week, we had something up there by M.L.K. Junior, and this week it's Muhammad Gandhi."

Indeed, students have been taking notice.

Barked an irascible Matthew Lopez to his classmate Jeremy Beeman as they entered their third-period Geometry class, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Gandhi said that, douchebag!" 

Palin First Republican Candidate to Debate With Nanochip Implanted in Brain (Part 2 of 2)

The chip, rumored to still be in its experimental stages, was implanted into Palin's brain following her shaky interview with NBC's Katie Couric last week, in which Palin stared blankly into the camera and nervously dry-swallowed in between unintelligible responses to simple questions.

"Clearly, we had to do something," said Rick Davis, campaign manager for the McCain-Palin ticket. "Mental retardation - especially in a vice-presidential candidate - is something to be taken seriously."

Dr. Serge Romanoff, a world renowned neurosurgeon performed Palin's implant in a marathon 18-hour procedure that required other-worldly focus and precision.

Said Romanoff, through an interpreter, "The human brain is highly complex, sometimes volatile, and extremely delicate. So we knew that one wrong move could quite possibly destroy this very important and very attractive woman, whom, by the way, I did see naked."

Despite all of its obvious benefits, the THINKR chip has been given to imperfections, as evidenced by some uneven stretches of Palin’s performance Thursday night. And as proud as Whitley is of his charge, Palin - and the chip - produced several wince-worthy moments.

During the debate, Biden took a moment to emotionally collect himself after referencing the tragic deaths of his first wife and infant daughter. But, strangely, rather than offering sympathy in her response, Palin chirped, "People aren't looking for more of the same. They are looking for a change. And John McCain has been the consummate maverick in the Senate for all these years."

“Ahh!" growled Whitley. It’s just so frustrating sometimes. Ironically, empathy is something we have given such painstaking attention to in the lab." He continued, while still studying Palin's every word and movement. "Obviously, an actual human being's emotional response would’ve been something like, 'I offer my most sincerest condolences to Senator Biden for his tragic loss, which is a poignant reminder that ultimately, more than Democrats or Republicans, we are all human beings' – something like that. Quite obviously, we still have a ton of work to do on the emotional front."

Additionally, during the latter stages of the speech, Palin was also given to extreme repetition. Gradually, the frequency of her winking gesture increased - to an almost frightening degree - along with references to soccer games, the phrase "I'll betcha'," and the word "Maverick."

Whitley scribbled intently in a worn, leather-bound notebook. "I'm not going to worry too much about the 'I'll betcha' and 'Maverick' thing. That's just an erroneous repetition in the programmed algorithm. We can easily clean that up for next time. What is of far greater concern, however, is the rift between questions that are asked by another party and appropriate responses given by the subject that, in some way, address the question. For whatever reasons, her chip just isn't computing."

"I'm also more than a little worried about the logic component," he said. During her response to the ways in which she would address climate change, Palin said that she didn't want to argue about the causes of climate change but instead wished to focus on possible solutions.

Said Whitley, "We all learn in grammar school - hopefully - that it's impossible to have a solution to a problem without first identifying the potential causes. But, as humans, we take logic for granted, as it has already been ingrained in most of us by the time we're adolescents. Unfortunately, it's not as easy as it would seem to program a Republican vice- er, I mean a nanochip to think logically.

And what of the "Joe Six Pack" comment uttered by Palin, when referring to struggling middle-class Americans?

Said Whitley, following a moment of intense deliberation, "I'm at a loss for that one. That's just retarded."

Although Palin is the first among her party to be implanted with a thought chip, she is not the first politician to undergo such a procedure. In 1992, Independent vice-presidential candidate James Stockdale debated rivals Dan Quayle and Al Gore with an earlier version of the chip, then known as the WEEZY6. However, due to technological limitations at the time, the entire left hemisphere of Stockdale's brain was removed in place of the then softball-sized prototype.

The results were underwhelming, at best. Of the three vice-presidential candidates who participated in that year's debate, Stockdale's performance was considered the weakest, though whether or not the procedure had any impact remains unclear. Still, Stockdale's opening of the debate with "Who am I? Why am I here?" cemented the legacy of the WEEZY6 chip as an abject failure.

"Sure, hindsight is always twenty-twenty," said Dr. Doris Phelps, a brain surgeon at UCLA Medical Center who specializes in cerebral trauma. "But, in retrospect, not having half of his brain probably hindered his performance."

Note: Click on the space below for a closer view Governor Palin's THINKR nanochip.

Palin First Republican Candidate to Debate With Nanochip Implanted in Brain (Part 1 of 2)

Delaware Senator Joseph Biden squared off against Alaska governor Sarah Palin – the first ever Republican candidate for a major political office to debate with a nanochip implanted inside her brain - Thursday night in their only vice-presidential debate prior to election day.

Embedded within the Republican vice-presidential candidate's cerebral cortex, the tentatively dubbed the THINKR-0991V prototype, is commonly referred to by top neuroscientists as "The Thought Chip” because of its uncanny ability to completely control the subject’s thoughts, emotions, and actions.

The chip is the brainchild of Dr. Toby Whitely, who has been working on the THINKR project for nearly three decades. On Thursday night, as he observed Palin engage her rival in the early stages of the 90-minute debate, Whitely seemed more like a proud father than a world renowned neurobiologist.

"Watch this, watch this!" he chirped with glee, moments before silently mouthing the words, "Can I call you Joe?" to himself. Seconds later, Palin, greeting Biden at mid-stage, articulated those exact words, followed by a disarming schoolgirl grin.

"Did you just see that?" said Whitely, barely able to contain his excitement. "Did you see how lifelike she was - her tone, her poise, her body language?" Moments later, he wiped a single tear from his cheek and said, "I promised myself I wouldn't cry. But, after all, this is my life's work coming to fruition right in front of me."

As Palin gave a confident wink to the camera during one of her early responses, Whitely continued to beam. "I hate to keep bragging, but we added that wink data about twenty minutes before the chip was implanted in the governor's brain. It's not too much, is it?"

Although the THINKR chip cannot be seen with the human eye, its capacity to store information of any kind borders on the infinite. Consequently, it is often tested on subjects with limited brain capacities.

Said Whitely, "Our initial subjects, back in the mid-eighties were simple mammals - at first moles and shrews and then, a bit later, Rick Springfield. Results were fairly inconsistent across the board, but the technology we were working with at the time was fairly archaic."

Said Whitely's former colleague, Dr. Jarrod P. Brown, now Dean of Neuroscience at Princeton University, "I disagree with Toby's assessment somewhat. Back then, the data clearly showed a noticeable post-implant difference in the small mammals. And, as for Springfield, well, had he not been regularly mixing angel dust in his morning sangria, I think we might've had something really special. I maintain to this very day that we should've gone with John Stamos instead."